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The Um Bongo Call To Arms!

Which sick bastard changed Um Bongo?

This is progress?

It all becomes clear. All those tree-hugging-hippy-anarchist-wannabe-tosspots who smash up windows in anti-capitalist demonstrations might actually be onto something. I have seen the devastating impact corporations are having on Third World countries first hand, and it makes me sick to my stomach. It’s like taking the blue pill and waking up from the Matrix.

Which sick bastard changed Um Bongo?

For those who may not know about Um Bongo, allow me to explain. Or even better, watch the video below and allow Youtube to explain more eloquantly than I ever could. I don’t think it’s sold outside the UK, but I make no apologies for sounding parochial.

Um Bongo is more than simply a juice drink, and it’s not simply nostalgia either. It was a perfectly blended cocktail of apricots, guavas, mangos, passion fruits, and mandarins. It was also a rare employment opportunity for the diverse wildlife of hippos, pythons, marmosets, and parrots.


Things to do before you die/before 2011 (whichever comes first)… the Smoking Monkey’s list

Thanks for all the fish!

This is a lazy topic, but as you don’t pay anything to read this I don’t think you have too much of a right to complain.

Anyway, in light of my earlier post about fulfilling my wish of getting a bespoke suit online (for about the price of a 2 piece glued together combo from TopMan), I thought I would share other deep-seated ambitions with you. Because that’s the caring sharing guy I am. I am going to bore the living snot out of you by imparting little snippets of aspiration. I should start charging for this you know.


Suits You Sir: The Preliminary Verdict!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Squirrels and Badgers… Gather round one and all while I end the suspense.

For it has arrived!

Yes, Father Christmas has delivered my present one day early thanks to the Teutonic efficiency of DHL, and I have my suit.

I will update this post more at a later date, but as I’ve left ebay feedback referring people to this site for a full review I though I should at least give a preliminary assessment. In due course, there will be photos and more info. You’ll have to wait though, as I have a few more pressing things to sort out.

But I digress. The jury is back, and the foreman is asked for the virdict:

The suit is an absolute winner.


Suits You Sir: Drawing to a thrilling climax!

Dear all,

For a little while now, I have been awaiting delivery of my bespoke suit from those lovely people at bespokeway. Indeed one of you charming individuals has found the site presumably by doing a google search for that company, to see if they are actually any good.

I feel like I’m on Watchdog or something, giving consumer advice about dodgy kettles.

Anyway, the latest info I have is that my suit is in the country. More accurately, it’s at a DHL depot near Manchester and would be with me now had Jack Frost not monumentally spaffed over the road network.

I got a nice-ish email updating me about this on Monday (when the shipping log actually shows it arrived at UK customs):


Smoking Monkey’s Guide to Self Defence, or Why Munir Hussain Should be in Prison!

Smoking Chuck Norris Monkeys.co.uk

Dear readers,

Firstly, allow me to make yet another apology for the huge gap since my last post. Yes, I know I’ve actually missed an entire horoscope. I hope each of you did the only sensible thing possible in the circumstance and didn’t leave your house in case destiny was planning to violently offend you the second you stepped through your door.

It was the only option.

Anyway, I have been very busy, very stressed, and much as I enjoy writing for you dear people it would possibly have killed me.

So what is it that has stirred my mind and dragged me away from the unending tide of shite that fills my desk/bag/brain on a daily basis? Well it’s an old thing that I used to explain to people over and over on MSN messageboards when I could be bothered to irritate and undermine the other opinionated tosspots who bothered with those sites.