2009 October | SmokingMonkeys

Archive for October, 2009

Arse-trology for November: One for the Scorpios

Wednesday, October 21st, 2009

Ah yes, the 22nd means a change in the astrological landscape, as Libra subsides to Scorpio. This may mean something to lesser future-tellers, but not to me. I am wise and experienced enough to know, however, that all it means is that an army of scorpions are making their way through space with plans to devour our Sun. nothing major.

Anyway, back to the future:

Scorpio: This month the Mystical Smoking Monkey has had a trip to Whittards, and bought some lovely loose-leaf tea. Never one to miss out on a spot of tasseography, I have read the tea leaves to decipher what lies in store for all you adorable little scorpions. Read more... (940 words, 15 images, estimated 3:46 mins reading time)

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Posted in: Arse-trology Tags: Astrology for the unconvinced by the unconvincing, Celebrity Horoscopes, Guidance from the Stars, Tasseology is the reading of tea-leaves you numpty, What Scorpios need to know, Yes Uranus has a ring

Number 50- Words of wisdom, and a few too many sherbets

Saturday, October 17th, 2009

Something a little different today, as it’s been a long week full of thrills, spills, and indeed spectacular triumphs over Greater Manchester Police who single handedly failed to get my client convicted. Oh yes, can’t beat it when a bench of Magistrates don’t believe the evidence of 5 police officers! Given that they didn’t believe my client either (as the dopey little twerp had managed to completely change his story between 9am and 12), I’m afraid that I really must take the credit.

I’m sorry, there is no other explanation. Fact. Read more... (378 words, estimated 1:31 mins reading time)

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Posted in: Daily life, Thoughts Tags: Best Solicitor in Manchester, Drunk man caught on CCTV, TechnoScouse, The Wisdom of TechnoScouse

October's Arse-trology Charts

Saturday, October 10th, 2009

Dear reader, prepared to be astounded and astonished as the Smoking Monkey demonstrates yet another gift in his seemingly endless array of talents and abilities. After years of extensive training at the hands of eastern mystics, and also unravelling the mysteries of one of Russel Grant’s jumpers (and that’s a lot of wool), I have mastered the arts of interpreting the stars to predict the future. Read more... (1142 words, 14 images, estimated 4:34 mins reading time)

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Posted in: Arse-trology, Thoughts Tags: Astrology for the unconvinced by the unconvincing, Bono's going to get it both barrels, Celebrity Horoscopes, Chuckle Brother porn, Derek Acorah's full of shit, Guidance from the Stars, Heat Readers are brain-dead, Modern day soothsayer, Super Squirrel Rides Again, Word Up- Cameo

Just a Quickie

Thursday, October 8th, 2009

Apologies for just dropping this brief blog onto your screens, but I would just like to point out a slight irony of this site. If (as many of you seem to have done) you go to Google and search for the “Best Solicitor in Manchester”, you will find this humble portal somewhere on the front page. I have even found it in the top spot (apart from all those naive fools who pay for sponsored listings). Read more... (369 words, estimated 1:29 mins reading time)

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Posted in: Daily life, Thoughts Tags: Bap Conkers, Best Solicitor in Manchester, Best Value Tendering, Derek Acorah, Google Analytics, When is ironic not ironic? When it's in a song by Alanis Morissette, Who wants a Quickie?

Smoking Monkeys Presents: CalendarWatch

Monday, October 5th, 2009

Hello, and good morning/afternoon/evening/night to you. Welcome to this auspicious occasion, as we formally acknowledge that 2009 is almost at an end (well… ok, so there’s 25% remaining), and look forward with great excitement towards 2010.

Here in the UK, supermarkets are already stocking Christmas treats and festively packaged produce. I now can’t walk through a department store without having to hunt for TechnoScouse as she looks at big metal figurines of snowmen to match the wobbling Father Christmas we bought last year. My work’s Christmas party has been booked (and I have to start plotting novel ways of getting the hell out of it) Read more... (492 words, 2 images, estimated 1:58 mins reading time)

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Posted in: CalendarWatch Tags: AAAARRRGHHH I'M BLIND, Cliff Richard's still alive... or is he?, Does This Crap Cause Eye Cancer?, I need bleach for my eyes!, Is he made out of beef jerky?, Mumm-Ra the Everliving has his own calendar

Archive for October, 2009

Arse-trology for November: One for the Scorpios