Arse-trology for November: One for the Scorpios
Ah yes, the 22nd means a change in the astrological landscape, as Libra subsides to Scorpio. This may mean something to lesser future-tellers, but not to me. I am wise and experienced enough to know, however, that all it means is that an army of scorpions are making their way through space with plans to devour our Sun. nothing major.
Anyway, back to the future:
Scorpio: This month the Mystical Smoking Monkey has had a trip to Whittards, and bought some lovely loose-leaf tea. Never one to miss out on a spot of tasseography, I have read the tea leaves to decipher what lies in store for all you adorable little scorpions.
Your hopes of setting a world record with the hula hoop will be shattered, much like your hips. Perhaps it wasn’t a good idea to try it in the middle of a busy road in front of a truck. However, you will be runner up for “most retarded ambition of the week”. Congratulations.
Towards the end of the month you will find yourself inundated with surprise visitors. Sadly you will feel obliged to show levels of hospitality upon complete strangers, even lavishing sweet gifts upon them for fear of reprisals. You will be amazed that your neighbours have the same problems, as if the 31st has some sort of stupid tradition about little bastards demanding sweets off you for fear of egging your house. Random!
Over the next few weeks, you will have difficulties sleeping and may be troubled by dreams of trench warfare. This is quite natural, as Mars (bringer of war) has been watching Derren Brown, and thinks it’s funny to screw with your head. Just have a large brandy each night before bed, and the Stars will see you right.
The presence of Venus in the constellation TopCat means that you are being watched over by one whose purpose is to give you a clearer view of the world outside. Not everyone appreciates their window cleaner appearing at their bedroom window at night, however, so perhaps you should invest in curtains.
An unexpected twitch in the rings of Uranus will mean that financial constraints ease slightly around mid-November. The wisdom of Jupiter does question whether it is a sound investment to collect die-cast replica fire engines though.
Quick-fire predictions:
Most likely to be arrested for: stealing the hearts of a pretty girl. This will also cost you your job in the hospital morgue.
Drink to avoid: the milk in your fridge has been there a while. I’d stay clear if i were you.
Lucky hat: beanie cap with a propeller on it.
Weapon to select if challenged to a duel: catapult.
Aura colour: aquamarine.
Cause of death: natural causes. Well if you get stabbed that many times, it’d be unnatural not to die!
Lucky bar snack: Pork Scratchings.
Pub quiz answer that could win you amazing cash prizes: The Clockwork Orange, novel by Anthony Burgess (1962), film directed by Stanley Kubrick (1971), never actually banned in the UK, inspired the names of top-notch musical acts Moloko and Heaven 17.
Unlucky TV programme: Animals do the Funniest Things.
Downfall: fingerprints… it’s always the bloody fingerprints.
Astrological allergies: paper, the light off a computer monitor, and fish
Sagittarius: You will question every aspect of your life and evaluate what you have achieved thus far in life. Particularly after your mother reveals the secret that your father is actually Bob Holness, host of Blockbusters in the 80s and 90s. It would seem you are the result of a triumphant third Gold Run. Congratulations
Capricorn: Around the 3rd of this month, you will stub your toe due to a mischievous rearranging of your furniture by Mars.
Aquarius: On or around the 16th you may want to take particular care you’re not being followed home. In fact it may be better not to go to your house. Ever Again. Look out, he’s found you! JUST GET OUT! DON’T STOP RUNNING!
Pisces: You will receive kind words and flowers from seemingly all of your closest friends. Sadly you won’t be able to thank anyone as they are guests at your funeral. The Stars do like the buffet at the wake though.
Aries: An exciting new career awaits, when a wealthy, mysterious, and eccentric billionaire is recruiting in your home town. All goes well until it turns out that you are a henchman for a villain in a James Bond film.
Taurus: You will start an international dance craze, thanks to your natural rhythm. And epilepsy.
Gemini: If you’re married, your spouse will reveal a secret love of cross-dressing. In response, you will balloon in weight which at least means you can share the same outfits. Sadly you will also bend over at work and split your trousers quite spectacularly. The Stars don’t like you. Get over it.
Cancer: The congurance of Saturn and Uranus in the third House of Bulimia will have an unexpected impact upon you. I’m not allowed to ruin the surprise though. Sorry.
Leo: This month you are destined to win the lottery, find true love, and become a star of stage and screen. Now all you need is to find a way out of this cell…
Virgo: You will reach a new low when the Priory Clinic refuses to acknowledge your addiction to KFC Popcorn Chicken as a genuine illness. 32 chickens and one hapless mole die during the resultant binge.
Libra: You will face a challenge all month not to bitch-slap a jumped-up little twerp in the work place. However, your use of waistcoats will gain you immense respect from all you cross your path.
