In every man (and woman)’s life, they may be fortunate enough to have a sudden flash of inspiration. One moment where they realise that God Himself has bestowed a stroke of genius upon them, and they must spend the rest of their lives pursuing this goal to the ends of the Earth.

I’m still waiting, but I did once have a bizarre idea after drinking too much cachaca (for the record, any cachaca is too much). I was enduring… sorry, I meant enjoying an evening with TS and her best friend HatTrick in one of our former flats. I was showing my dominance by royally bitchslapping the ladies at shot Mortal Kombat (a true sporting endeavour, where loser has to drink a shot of some of the more exotic delights in my cocktail cabinet). For reasons that elude me, I stumbled upon the idea for potentially the greatest sport in the history of civilisation.

Bap Conkers

The rules for this most mysterious of MMA (Mammary Martial Arts) were rumoured to have been lost in the mists of time, until a recent discovery unearthed one of the oldest codes of combat. In other words, I was looking for something on a portable hard-drive and found this instead.

Behold their greatness and quake with fear, tiny fools!

The Official Rules of Bap-Conkers

1. Contests take place between 2 contestants. Contestents should ideally be female, although very fat men may be eligible to play for “specialist” crowds.

2. Contenders get their waps out.

3. Player 1 wibbles their baps to make them collide with and bounce off the baps of player 2.

4. Player 2 then hits player 1 with their baps.

5. This goes on for some time, under the careful supervision of the umpire.

6. Points may be deducted by the umpire if the striking player’s nork hit’s their opponent on a non-tat part of the body, or fails to hit at all.

7. Points are doubled for clear nip-on-nip contact (nip-nip hooray)

8. Points are also doubled or re-doubled for twin-bap strikes.

9. The umpire may award 1-3 points for standard strikes (before any doubles)

10. First contender to 21 wins

And there you have it… diabolically simple in description, yet deceptively complex to master.

Just think of the possibilities… televised tournaments featuring such intellectual giants as found in the pages of Zoo or Nuts Magazine, international Bap Conkers contests (ideally with colour commentary from Syd Waddell and Stuart Hall, to combine the excitement of both the World Darts Championship and It’s A Knockout), and even a Saturday night primetime gameshow offering huge cash prizes or the chance to win a speedboat (I’m thinking in terms of Jim Davidson’s Big Break, or the legendary Bullseye)

For now though, perhaps the focus will have to be on starting small. With an Iphone Application.

[Please note that Bap Conkers is an original idea fuelled by alcohol and a diseased imagination. Full copyright belongs to the SmokingMonkeys, and if I see a version in any lads mag I will be expecting a pretty hefty royalties cheque. You saw it here first, and we have the technology to prove it you sons of bitches!]