I would like, if I may, to offer a little more insight into a story that has been in the Manchester Evening News 3 times in the last week, as well as attracting compassionate and supportive commentary from the bigots who read the Daily Mail. The case involves a 20 year old student called Melissa Massey, who had assaulted a paramedic treating her after a pissed-up New Years Eve in Manchester.

When Massey went to Court, she pleaded guilty at the first opportunity and the Probation Service prepared a report to discuss sentencing options for the Court. A District Judge then reviewed this, before ignoring it and imposing an 8 week sentence. This caused outrage amongst tabloid readers who said it was too short, and mild disapproval with anyone who knows what they are talking about who felt that the sentence was a bit harsh.

It should be emphasised that unlike most people who commit offences like this, Massey had no previous convictions, is a final year university student, and appears to be little miss perfect.

Then, much to the absolute rage of Joe Public, the defendant had the gall to appeal against her sentence. She went to the Crown Court on Friday (4 days after being sent to HMP Styal), and was duly released having had her prison sentence suspended.

Inevitably, this has caused criticism of her, the Crown Court Judge, and the criminal justice system itself. Strangely, Massey’s solicitor hasn’t been singled out, which is a shame as there’s no such thing as bad publicity, and he’d probably enjoy telling people that he’s a legend.

The problem it seems is that no-one understands that a suspended sentence is more serious than a community penalty. The truth is that if, during the next 2 years, Massey commits any offence, or fails to do the unpaid work she has been ordered to complete by the Court, she will almost inevitably be sent to prison for 8 weeks.

I am not trying to excuse or justify anything that Massey did, and there are certain jobs that put people at risk of being the victim of violent crimes. People like paramedics, taxi drivers, firemen, or pub landlords do deserve greater protection and that can only be given by dealing with offences against them more severely. In fact, if Massey had randomly hit a complete stranger in the street, she would never have been charged in the first place. The police would have given her a caution, and she’d never have had to declare a conviction let alone a custodial sentence.

However, the purpose of the Court is not to simply punish for an offence. A bench, or a Judge should always punish the offender. An offence can justify a prison sentence, but it is crucial that the circumstances of an offender are considered to pass a just sentence. If for example you have a defendant with a chronic drug problem, or they need intervention to deal with alcoholism, the Courts should consider whether simply locking someone up will actually do anything to prevent further offences in the future. By taking a long-term view, and placing the criminal under the supervision of the Probation Service (with the threat of prison hanging over them if necessary), the Courts actually have the potential to protect the public from future offences, rather than to beat someone for past transgressions.

In Massey’s case, she had no underlying problems with drink, drugs, or her mental state. She was apparently a hard working student, on course for great things etc. The implications and long-term effects of her conviction are impossible to assess now, but you can bet your life this is not going to help her get a job, particularly given the fact she’s photogenic enough to have her face splashed all over the papers. When you consider the damage that a moment of pissed-up madness has done to her ambitions for the last 5+ years, perhaps you can see why she deserved some leniency and not have to face an immediate prison term.

This case also goes to show that if you have a choice, always get sentenced by a Crown Court Judge. They deal with far worse stuff than you’ve probably done, and will see your crime as comparitively minor, compared to the mini-tyrants that fill so many of the Magistrates Courts who seem to view the Mail as liberal media.

District Judge Berg has gone on to retire, and given a long diatribe to the Manchester Evening News about how people getting pissed and getting in fights is a plague on the streets of modern Britain. In many ways he’s right, and I’ve previously commented how alcohol is certainly no better than criminalised drugs. Unfortunately though, Judicial office isn’t the place to preach or comment on society, particularly when it shows you are too prejudiced about a certain class of offence at the expense of an individual’s just desserts.

For the record I am not endorsing, recommending, or condoning drug use at all. If you want to drink, smoke, snort, inject or otherwise ingest chemicals that alter your mood and physiological wellbeing, that’s your decision. All I ask is that you do it in an informed manner, and don’t come crying to me if you end up being used on the front page of the Daily Mail as a warning to others about the risks of your chosen poison.

Right, now that’s out of the way we can begin. Although if the Mail did stumble across this site it would be entertaining to be criticised and publicised on such a national scale. Maybe one day… it’s good to have an ambition!

I have a suggestion, and it’s slightly controversial. Let’s decriminalise heroin.

At the moment, the majority of the heroin that is coming into the UK comes from Turkey, Afghanistan, and other Baltic/central asian states. There is a lot of concern that now the US and UK armies have destabalised the Taliban in Afghanistan, the production of opium will escalate leading to a massive flood of cheap smack hitting the streets. At the same time, money is tight for Government, and they need a really good way of saving existing costs and ideally bringing in new revenues. My plan is flawless… kinda.

The current law on drugs is like alcohol prohibition in the US. People still want what they’re told they can’t have, and so turn to criminals to help with their curiosities. As a result, some very unpleasant people make a massive amount of money. Everyone involved breaks the law, and if they are ever caught the state stumps of for police time, solicitors (cheap at twice the price if you ask me), Court time, and potentially prison funding.

And does this “threat” of prison actually stop people who really want to take drugs? Of course not. It just puts them in danger of having tainted drugs, puts them in contact with some of the nastyest bastards on the planet, and takes money out of the pot that could be spent better elsewhere. Not only that, but heroin dependency leads so many people to repeated offending to fund their habit, which just adds more and more to the cost involved.

Now I’m not suggesting we quite go back to the Victorian days where, in the manner of Sherlock Holmes, you could more or less go to your local pharmacist and buy laudanum or opium. Boots the Chemist really doesn’t need the increase in profits, and why let private business take the money that could all go to HM Treasury?

Even the Royal College of Nursing thinks that a change is needed, and that it’s much better for addicts to be able to get their fix in a safe environment, with medical supervision. This takes the users off the streets more effectively than the police ever could, and who wouldn’t rather have streets, stairwells, or playgrounds free of dirty syringes?

Who would gain from this?

1- Well the users wouldn’t get more gear, but they wouldn’t have to pay dealers for the privaledge. They would be closely monitored and have better support with a system in place that can be designed to help rehabilitation through the NHS rather than inneffectively through the prisons.
2- There will be an immediate reduction in shoplifting, as smackheads don’t then have to go out grafting to scrimp enough cans of tuna or boxes of chewing gum together to pay for a £10 wrap.
3- The police can focus on other stuff, saving them time and money
4- The Government can slash the criminal legal aid budget (see, I’m not doing this out of self interest) and save money…
5- The Government can also generate money by buying up all the opium from Afghan tribesmen (thus making friends with them in the process), using that to create heroin as well as numerous other pharmacuticals, and selling it on at reasonable prices through the clinics.
6- Communities who no longer have to worry about street dealers and street users.

And who loses out?
1- The dealers, importers, trafficers, and anyone else who is currently making billions each year thanks to an inneffective prohibition that allows demand to flourish and supply to be resitricted by armed cartels. Why pay these scumbags for contaminated shite, when instead you can pay a fraction of the price for clean, medical grade diamorphine?
2- Defence lawyers like me, who will all know at least one client who’s a 1 man shoplifting industry because he’s a pathetic, sweating addict.

Seems like an obvious solution doesn’t it? I’m not saying it’s perfect, but it’s not as insane as it first sounds either.

I know this will still leave the drugs like cocaine, speed, ecstacy etc, which are seen as more recreational than the addiction of heroin. It’d take real guts for these to be legalised… but it would also generate real money if they were made available like other addictive and dangerous chemicals like alcohol and tobacco, and taxed in similar ways.

The argument for keeping these drugs illegal is always talking about the risk of harm. Well let me clarify one thing- alcohol makes people more aggressive and dangerous than any of the substances I’ve mentioned. Alcohol causes more breakdown of society, more domestic abuse, more fights on a saturday night than drugs ever will. Drug-related violence is down to rival gangs competing for market share, but I think I’ve already explained how that will be affected. In reality, if the Government was truly looking to protect the public from danger, fags and vodka would be treated like crack. I’m sure the tax revenues generated by British American Tobacco or Diagio has absolutely no baring on the argument of why these substances are both legitimate and sociable permissible.

If people are stupid enough to want to take these drugs, let them… but why should the country pay to pick up the pieces if we’ve not had our slice of the pie to begin with? Put the warnings on there like with booze and fags, and let people maked informed decisions. Treat them like grown ups, stop stygmatising and criminalising an industry that will never go away, and make a fortune in the process.

Simple

(I will settle for 1% of money raised as my fee for this idea)

So after the lengthy ordering process, and the even more lengthy measurement debacle, I sent a stack of messages to the lovely people at bespokeway asking them to provide an updated ebay invoice for my optional extras.

And I waited.

And I sent 3 messages on ebay and another 2 emails.

Anyway, baring in mind that there’s a 4-5 week delivery time, and this is my Christmas present, I was obviously keen to get the ball rolling and the cloth a cutting! 5 days later though, I got a lovely email as follows:

“Dear valued customer, (I do love the personal touch)

Thank you for purchasing suit from us and also thanks for super fast payment.Please refill your suit style in below order form or fill a new order form through our Website:http://www.bespokeway.com because of any unforeseen reason we have not received your full order details.Please recheck those measurements which are highlighted from red color in below order form not looking OK for perfect fit

Your suit will be delivered to you in 4-5 weeks.

Thank you again for doing business with us and for your patience:”

Now this was fine. I accept that losing the measurements due to an unforseen reason is a little worrying, but it’s not like my credit card details have been hijacked by pirates. What’s the worst that can happen, some bloke in a rural Asian sweatshop is going to think I’m a bloater? Not a problem for me, my nimble-fingered friend!

I was also impressed they had spotted that my trouser leg measurements seemed a bit short. In my excitement, I could have ended up with a bespoke pair of peddle-pushers. Not good, particularly for Court.

Admittedly they hadn’t spotted the fact that in the measurements they sent me for confirmation, my wrist was 2 inches bigger than my bicep. Who the hell did they think i was, Popeye?

Anyway, amended and added what needed amending and adding and dispatched it merrily.

3 more days passed when FINALLY I got the nice little note pointing out the extra money they need for my order. So after a week of chasing I eventually am able to pay the extra, and all should be going well.

Will I get the suit in time for Christmas? Will I look like I’m wearing the most perfectly tailored pair of shorts? Just why did Popeye have such well-developed forearms?

The answers to some of these questions will be answered soon!

The good news is that I have a few embryonic post ideas, so when things are a little more settled I’ll be bombarding you with tirades of random crap like a chimp flinging shit in the zoo.

For today though, I thought I would set out the grounding for a future post. I have found, courtesy of ebay, what claims to be a ridiculously cheap website for the sale of besoke suits. I make it clear, this is not an endorsement or a criticism yet. Only time will tell which way the wind will blow, and I am hoping that given the high turnover of readers of this site I could be the making or breaking of this particular site.

While I am determined never to be a slave to fashion, or even a servant to style, I do know what I like clothing wise and what I tend to look good(ish) in. By and large, I look good in suits. This is a bonus considering I spend at least 5 days a week suited and booted for work.

However, it has been a lifelong ambition (well, not lifelong but quite a while) to have a bespoke suit rather than the off the peg items you find in Next or Burtons. While there’s nothing necessarily wrong with these shops, the suits can be a bit samey and lack any elements of personalisation. There are options out there for bespoke suits but sadly they cost massive amounts of cash that I simply can never hope to afford. Therefore, this could be the way forward.

The site in question is BespokeWay which looks like it could be a perfect budget way to have a suit made to measure to your own design specifications. Now obviously I’m not expecting Saville Row quality, and there is a relatively limited selection of colours and materials. However, the design process does let me choose colour, lining, and a lot of little details of my suit. There aren’t many other things I would like to add at this stage so it’s worth a bit of a punt.

There is a risk, and this is based on the feedback on ebay, that I will get a crumpled bundle of  a suit turned into an origami frog. Alternatively it will look like some cheap polyester monstrosity that makes me look like a model in a 1976 Freeman’s Catalogue.

To negate the idea of wasting money, this will also be my Christmas present. The shipping time means that (subject to Royal Mail not going back on strike like petulent toddlers) I will be looking like the Pimp Chimp in time for the festivities. If the suit’s crap though, I will go on a Godzilla-style rampage and you can all watch the live footage of the hostage scenario unfolding on Sky News. Imagine the site of a man with the worst crumpled suit, standing atop Manchester Town Hall, threatening to jump unless someone with a Corby Trouser Press sorts out his waistcoat by noon. It’ll be beautiful.

I can tell that each of you is already dying to know what options I am going for. Well, if all goes to plan I will receive a charcoal grey 3 piece suit with purple lining (well it has to be done). The jacket will be 2 button with peak lapels, external ticket pocket, and opening cuff-buttons; the waistcoat will be 5 button with notch lapels, and 4 pockets; while the trousers will have waist adjusters and no belt loops.

Now I’m off to the bedroom with a tape-measure to note down my dimensions. There’s a first time for everything!

I’m sorry, there is no other explanation. Fact.

On top of this superb example of my advocacy skills, this is the 50th post to be published on the site. There are a few other posts in the mental fermentation tanks, but they are not fully matured or worth putting up yet. Anyway, 50 not out. Can’t complain!

So it tied in quite nicely by allowing me to post (or get TechnoScouse to post) this video. No it’s not me before you ask.. but he looks like he’s been celebrating something nearly as cool as my trial victory! (see bottom of post)

I also thought I would share the words of wisdom that echoed through Smoking Monkey Mansions this morning. I was up trying to find a client’s number (who I will probably refer to in the future as he’s already a total pain in the arse), when I hear this majestic cry eminating from the bedroom:

“Hun… I’ve got a brilliant idea!”

Now this is usually a signal that I am going to need a notebook to write down some of the greatest philosophy since Plato. I was not disappointed

“We should fit solar panels to turtles… they travel round the world in the sun, and then when they die we could use them as batteries.”

I don’t think that really needs much more said.

She then went off on one saying how Mike Shinoda had been in a cupboard in her dream, and romantically played the theme music from Final Fantasy for her.

In return, I am having a healthy breakfast. My definition of healthy being that I am in better condition than the pig that has been sliced, diced, and minced to appear on my plate. Relatively speaking, I’m in perfect health!