I would like, if I may, to offer a little more insight into a story that has been in the Manchester Evening News 3 times in the last week, as well as attracting compassionate and supportive commentary from the bigots who read the Daily Mail. The case involves a 20 year old student called Melissa Massey, who had assaulted a paramedic treating her after a pissed-up New Years Eve in Manchester.

When Massey went to Court, she pleaded guilty at the first opportunity and the Probation Service prepared a report to discuss sentencing options for the Court. A District Judge then reviewed this, before ignoring it and imposing an 8 week sentence. This caused outrage amongst tabloid readers who said it was too short, and mild disapproval with anyone who knows what they are talking about who felt that the sentence was a bit harsh.

It should be emphasised that unlike most people who commit offences like this, Massey had no previous convictions, is a final year university student, and appears to be little miss perfect.

Then, much to the absolute rage of Joe Public, the defendant had the gall to appeal against her sentence. She went to the Crown Court on Friday (4 days after being sent to HMP Styal), and was duly released having had her prison sentence suspended.

Inevitably, this has caused criticism of her, the Crown Court Judge, and the criminal justice system itself. Strangely, Massey’s solicitor hasn’t been singled out, which is a shame as there’s no such thing as bad publicity, and he’d probably enjoy telling people that he’s a legend.

The problem it seems is that no-one understands that a suspended sentence is more serious than a community penalty. The truth is that if, during the next 2 years, Massey commits any offence, or fails to do the unpaid work she has been ordered to complete by the Court, she will almost inevitably be sent to prison for 8 weeks.

I am not trying to excuse or justify anything that Massey did, and there are certain jobs that put people at risk of being the victim of violent crimes. People like paramedics, taxi drivers, firemen, or pub landlords do deserve greater protection and that can only be given by dealing with offences against them more severely. In fact, if Massey had randomly hit a complete stranger in the street, she would never have been charged in the first place. The police would have given her a caution, and she’d never have had to declare a conviction let alone a custodial sentence.

However, the purpose of the Court is not to simply punish for an offence. A bench, or a Judge should always punish the offender. An offence can justify a prison sentence, but it is crucial that the circumstances of an offender are considered to pass a just sentence. If for example you have a defendant with a chronic drug problem, or they need intervention to deal with alcoholism, the Courts should consider whether simply locking someone up will actually do anything to prevent further offences in the future. By taking a long-term view, and placing the criminal under the supervision of the Probation Service (with the threat of prison hanging over them if necessary), the Courts actually have the potential to protect the public from future offences, rather than to beat someone for past transgressions.

In Massey’s case, she had no underlying problems with drink, drugs, or her mental state. She was apparently a hard working student, on course for great things etc. The implications and long-term effects of her conviction are impossible to assess now, but you can bet your life this is not going to help her get a job, particularly given the fact she’s photogenic enough to have her face splashed all over the papers. When you consider the damage that a moment of pissed-up madness has done to her ambitions for the last 5+ years, perhaps you can see why she deserved some leniency and not have to face an immediate prison term.

This case also goes to show that if you have a choice, always get sentenced by a Crown Court Judge. They deal with far worse stuff than you’ve probably done, and will see your crime as comparitively minor, compared to the mini-tyrants that fill so many of the Magistrates Courts who seem to view the Mail as liberal media.

District Judge Berg has gone on to retire, and given a long diatribe to the Manchester Evening News about how people getting pissed and getting in fights is a plague on the streets of modern Britain. In many ways he’s right, and I’ve previously commented how alcohol is certainly no better than criminalised drugs. Unfortunately though, Judicial office isn’t the place to preach or comment on society, particularly when it shows you are too prejudiced about a certain class of offence at the expense of an individual’s just desserts.

For the record I am not endorsing, recommending, or condoning drug use at all. If you want to drink, smoke, snort, inject or otherwise ingest chemicals that alter your mood and physiological wellbeing, that’s your decision. All I ask is that you do it in an informed manner, and don’t come crying to me if you end up being used on the front page of the Daily Mail as a warning to others about the risks of your chosen poison.

Right, now that’s out of the way we can begin. Although if the Mail did stumble across this site it would be entertaining to be criticised and publicised on such a national scale. Maybe one day… it’s good to have an ambition!

I have a suggestion, and it’s slightly controversial. Let’s decriminalise heroin.

At the moment, the majority of the heroin that is coming into the UK comes from Turkey, Afghanistan, and other Baltic/central asian states. There is a lot of concern that now the US and UK armies have destabalised the Taliban in Afghanistan, the production of opium will escalate leading to a massive flood of cheap smack hitting the streets. At the same time, money is tight for Government, and they need a really good way of saving existing costs and ideally bringing in new revenues. My plan is flawless… kinda.

The current law on drugs is like alcohol prohibition in the US. People still want what they’re told they can’t have, and so turn to criminals to help with their curiosities. As a result, some very unpleasant people make a massive amount of money. Everyone involved breaks the law, and if they are ever caught the state stumps of for police time, solicitors (cheap at twice the price if you ask me), Court time, and potentially prison funding.

And does this “threat” of prison actually stop people who really want to take drugs? Of course not. It just puts them in danger of having tainted drugs, puts them in contact with some of the nastyest bastards on the planet, and takes money out of the pot that could be spent better elsewhere. Not only that, but heroin dependency leads so many people to repeated offending to fund their habit, which just adds more and more to the cost involved.

Now I’m not suggesting we quite go back to the Victorian days where, in the manner of Sherlock Holmes, you could more or less go to your local pharmacist and buy laudanum or opium. Boots the Chemist really doesn’t need the increase in profits, and why let private business take the money that could all go to HM Treasury?

Even the Royal College of Nursing thinks that a change is needed, and that it’s much better for addicts to be able to get their fix in a safe environment, with medical supervision. This takes the users off the streets more effectively than the police ever could, and who wouldn’t rather have streets, stairwells, or playgrounds free of dirty syringes?

Who would gain from this?

1- Well the users wouldn’t get more gear, but they wouldn’t have to pay dealers for the privaledge. They would be closely monitored and have better support with a system in place that can be designed to help rehabilitation through the NHS rather than inneffectively through the prisons.
2- There will be an immediate reduction in shoplifting, as smackheads don’t then have to go out grafting to scrimp enough cans of tuna or boxes of chewing gum together to pay for a £10 wrap.
3- The police can focus on other stuff, saving them time and money
4- The Government can slash the criminal legal aid budget (see, I’m not doing this out of self interest) and save money…
5- The Government can also generate money by buying up all the opium from Afghan tribesmen (thus making friends with them in the process), using that to create heroin as well as numerous other pharmacuticals, and selling it on at reasonable prices through the clinics.
6- Communities who no longer have to worry about street dealers and street users.

And who loses out?
1- The dealers, importers, trafficers, and anyone else who is currently making billions each year thanks to an inneffective prohibition that allows demand to flourish and supply to be resitricted by armed cartels. Why pay these scumbags for contaminated shite, when instead you can pay a fraction of the price for clean, medical grade diamorphine?
2- Defence lawyers like me, who will all know at least one client who’s a 1 man shoplifting industry because he’s a pathetic, sweating addict.

Seems like an obvious solution doesn’t it? I’m not saying it’s perfect, but it’s not as insane as it first sounds either.

I know this will still leave the drugs like cocaine, speed, ecstacy etc, which are seen as more recreational than the addiction of heroin. It’d take real guts for these to be legalised… but it would also generate real money if they were made available like other addictive and dangerous chemicals like alcohol and tobacco, and taxed in similar ways.

The argument for keeping these drugs illegal is always talking about the risk of harm. Well let me clarify one thing- alcohol makes people more aggressive and dangerous than any of the substances I’ve mentioned. Alcohol causes more breakdown of society, more domestic abuse, more fights on a saturday night than drugs ever will. Drug-related violence is down to rival gangs competing for market share, but I think I’ve already explained how that will be affected. In reality, if the Government was truly looking to protect the public from danger, fags and vodka would be treated like crack. I’m sure the tax revenues generated by British American Tobacco or Diagio has absolutely no baring on the argument of why these substances are both legitimate and sociable permissible.

If people are stupid enough to want to take these drugs, let them… but why should the country pay to pick up the pieces if we’ve not had our slice of the pie to begin with? Put the warnings on there like with booze and fags, and let people maked informed decisions. Treat them like grown ups, stop stygmatising and criminalising an industry that will never go away, and make a fortune in the process.

Simple

(I will settle for 1% of money raised as my fee for this idea)

For it has arrived!

Yes, Father Christmas has delivered my present one day early thanks to the Teutonic efficiency of DHL, and I have my suit.

I will update this post more at a later date, but as I’ve left ebay feedback referring people to this site for a full review I though I should at least give a preliminary assessment. In due course, there will be photos and more info. You’ll have to wait though, as I have a few more pressing things to sort out.

But I digress. The jury is back, and the foreman is asked for the virdict:

The suit is an absolute winner.

Yes, the miserable SmokingMonkey is very content and extremely pleased with the suit. It was well packaged, and while there are one or two light creases it’s no worse than if it’s been in a suitcase. Considering that it’s been posted from Pakistan, it’s in remarkably good shape.

The material is excellent (certainly for the price), and put together as well as any other suit in my wardrobe.

The measurements were taken by me, so I can’t be critical of the manufacturer for any size problems. If I was going to have any criticisms of the suit it would be that it’s a slightly generous fit round the waist/belly. It’s perfectly fine for wearing though, and I prefer the slightly roomy feeling for a change. I will be getting buttons sewn in for braces anyway, so I won’t have to worry about losing my strides like some kind of French Farce!

In hindsight, the purple lining might have been a bit brave, particularly as the back of the waistcoat is a very vivid purple. Still, nothing wrong with adding a splash of colour to the muted world of criminal law.

Just wish I’d received the fabric swatches I requested, as I will certainly be planning to order again (with perhaps one or 2 minor measurement adjustments). I’ve asked them for one to be sent over though. Perhaps I should set up as their official UK agent!

If anyone does order as a result of my review, please feel free to quote my ebay name in your order (badgerific). Also let me know. I like feeling influential!

For now though, may I wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas. I might even try to make a Christmas Speech to the SmokingMonkey Commonwealth, though a much simpler one than Her Majesty the Queen’s!

For a little while now, I have been awaiting delivery of my bespoke suit from those lovely people at bespokeway. Indeed one of you charming individuals has found the site presumably by doing a google search for that company, to see if they are actually any good.

I feel like I’m on Watchdog or something, giving consumer advice about dodgy kettles.

Anyway, the latest info I have is that my suit is in the country. More accurately, it’s at a DHL depot near Manchester and would be with me now had Jack Frost not monumentally spaffed over the road network.

I got a nice-ish email updating me about this on Monday (when the shipping log actually shows it arrived at UK customs):

“Dear valued customer,
Your item has been shipped out from our factory outlet in South Asia
and will require a signature on arrival. Please allow 4-6 working days
for delivery. In the very rare case, if there is anything that is not
up to your satisfaction, please give us the opportunity to resolve any
issues. As professionals we stand behind our work and within the
limitations of our return policy would do our very best to satisfy
each and every customer.
Item title: Suit
Courier Web address:
Airway bill/Tracking No.: XCXXXXXXXX (Please note that we take every possible care in packaging your
garments but sometimes the creases fall out during transit and you
need to Press/Dry clean your clothes before first use.
Should there be any problems with the tracking or delivery, please
feel free to contact us & we would be happy to help.

Kind regards,”

As always, I enjoy the personalised touch of “Dear Valued Customer”, and now with the almost preemptive strike that seems to say “your suit will look like we tried to make an origami badger out of wool, but failed”.

Still, there’s no denying that the suit has been made pretty quickly. Now we just need to find out if it’s been made pretty well or pretty badly.

Stay tuned dear readers- full review and maybe even exciting photos of yours truly will follow asap!

Why would I break my (apologetically long) blogging silence with such an unusual and uncharacteristically positive paragraph? Well dear friends, it would seem only appropriate as young Mr Shinoda has named this very site as one of his 10 favourites from over 200 submitted by devoted readers of his own portal of contemplation. Therefore, itis only right and proper to return the favour and say that Mike is one of my 6 favourite Linkin Park members.

Now it would be self-indulgent to point out that the “Top 10″ is not ranked in order of whose is the best out of this elite grouping, and therefore I am not necessarily the 7th best (I mean come on, I’m after both a French AND a Spanish site). I would therefore not want tensions to arise within the band as a result of me ranking each individual member and pitting them against one another. It is therefore better for all devotees of Nu Metal (I have no idea, but I know it’ll wind up TechnoScouse) if I say that each member is as valued as the others.

However, the reality is very different. There is a clear top 3. A trinity of pure class, and I will discuss these later.

First, it is probably better to say that my knowledge of the band’s work comes from being engaged to a die-hard fan. TechnoScouse loves her shouty rock music, and over the last 4 years has done her utmost to persuade me as to their merits. Indeed at the minute the only CD in my car is Hybrid Theory (though this is in part due to a resident of Salford deciding that it would be a fair exchange to give me a rock through the window in exchange for my ipod nano).

Furthermore, I sustained 3rd degree sunburn in Summer 2008 waiting ALL PISSING DAY for the band to come on stage at Milton Keynes Bowl. That’s right. I endured Pendulum LIVE, Enter Shikari, N.E.R.D., and shockingly overpriced pints of Pimms while slowly developing the sallow skin-tone of Mumm Ra the Everliving, all in the name of watching the band merrily serenade a town in England whose name is an anagram of “silent MonKey”.

I’m sure there will be no doubt that I know what I’m talking about.

So, back to commenting on individual band members from my almost legendary knowledge of them both as artists and as human beings. In no particular order:

Brad- Yes kids, this is what too many evenings playing Guitar Hero could do to you… you could have impressive fingering skills (I mean to play with your own instrument, you smutty little weasels), but at the same time end up with a hairstyle that should only be seen in tribute footage of Michael Jackson when he was 10 years old and still had his original nose. The Afro just doesn’t suit a man flying through the air with his tongue sticking out in the video for What I’ve Done. Buy some  gel, and let’s move on.

Rob- Like all good drummers, has the sense not to stick his head above the parapet. Therefore I know nothing about him, and he escapes without any criticism.

Phoenix- Now as a rule (and it’s an odd rule to have), I like bass players. However, there’s no getting away from the fact he’s named like a character from a Harry Potter book. He’s also a ginger.

Mike- tiny pianist and happy rapper. Seems thoroughly charming, and has outstanding tastes in identifying “Humor, culture, and blogginess from the UK”, though obviously loses points for using dubious colonial spelling of the word “humour.” He’s the only possible rival I have for the affections of TechnoScouse, particularly it would seem if he’s wearing a black shirt that gets wet, such as in the “In The End” Video. Suffice to say, I monitor TS’ Youtube usage carefully.

Chester- Despite having a name that could quite easily belong to a member of the landed gentry, Lord Bennington is best described as Shouty Spice. A rap/singing/screaching style with such astonishing range that I’m almost lost for words. But not quite. He single-handedly keeps the sale of Strepsils afloat in the UK for all little skate-punk wannabes, while also reminding me of a strange man who used to stand outside my window and shout at passing cars. Fine work, sir.

Joe Hahn- Oh Mr Hahn, what can I say. Technological wizard, DJ, player of a strange extended version of popular ’70s electronic noise game Simon, and comedy legend. This is a man not afraid to simply stare at the camera like Charles Manson while a band-mate is talking about whatnot.

Mr Hahn has also been known to hide behind curtains during photo sessions with fans, and to appear just in time for the picture to be taken, all without the lucky fan knowing of the surprise added member (so to speak).

So there you have it. A brief beginners guide to Linkin Park, written by a brief beginnner.

Come back soon for such forthcoming delights as “Comedy Mentals”, and “People of Wal Mart”.

And remember… Mike likes the Smoking Monkey, and the Smoking Monkey Likes Mike.