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Archive for the ‘Televisual Treats’ Category

Things that go Tump in the night

Monday, May 25th, 2009
Smoking Monkeys Blog

Imagine the scenario: You’re a dejected TV executive desperate to come up with an idea for a new series. You work for E! Entertainment Network, so no-one’s really looking for War & Peace, but the pressure is still on. You sit down in front of the box to try and find inspiration, perhaps partake in a drink or other substance to get the creative juices flowing. Unfortunately, you over-do it and awake the next day with no idea where the last 8 hours went, and simply grab the stacks of papers that have materialised overnight.

You make it to the office and find that a bad day is getting worse- your meeting has been brought forward, and you go straight in to make a non-existant pitch. With the confident facade beginning to crack, you attempt to marshall your thoughts and hope for the best as you arrange your papers. You can detect at least 3 different bodily fluids on the page, but are more concerned by the fact you’ve either gone blind, or you’ve got a sheet of illegible scrawl. All you can make out are the lines:


All that glitters may stain your fingers green

Monday, April 27th, 2009
Smoking Monkeys Blog

There are times when you need to gaze upon something of real beauty. Times when this dirty, depressing world gets too much for even an eternal optimist such as the Smoking Monkey, and I need my faith restored that there are items of pure physical perfection that exist and replenish the soul.

So where should you go to experience such an item? Try Gems TV

Gems TV is one of several channels on Sky TV that claims to sell incredibly valuable jewellery, for low low prices. Now I make it very clear that while I am the world’s foremost expert in many things, jewellery and precious stones are not my specialisms. On the one occasion that TechnoScouse tasked me with selecting a pair of earings (which she had pointed out to me less than 7 days previously), I still managed to pick out the wrong bloody ones.


The Hills have eyes… but not much between the ears

Sunday, January 18th, 2009
smoking monkeys blog

Ladies and gentlewarts… there are times when the Bloggods bestow a great vision upon me. Today, I have gone to the mountain, and a great voice called out to me:

“Oi, you… yes, the bloke trying to dress like the Joker and in dire need of a shave. Yes, you… put those pissing pop-tarts down and listen. The Hills is on tonight. Seriously, if you like self-inflicted pain, you have to watch it. Sober.”

The scales fell from my eyes, and I felt envigorated by the revelation before me. Partly it was the confirmation that improbable-God speaks with a subtle Mancunian accent, combined with the fact that during this time, the afore-mentioned pop-tart had cooled down and I had been saved from third-degree tongue burns. Then the realisation dawned on me what lay before me.


Emotional support, and considered counselling… redneck style!

Sunday, January 20th, 2008
smoking monkeys blog

I think I should take the opportunity to wax lyrical about a real gem in TV. I know that it’s not a new programme, and that it polarises opinion, but the Jerry Springer Show is truly brilliant.

There are many shows that enable members of the public to share their deep personal and relationship problems with the baying lynch mobs who form talk show audiences, and who wouldn’t want to be told that their boyfriend/girlfriend was having an affair in front of potentially millions of people sat at home? Only Springer manages to avoid taking itself too seriously, and manages this by a LONG way!


I can’t believe I am going to say this:

Friday, January 4th, 2008
smoking monkeys blog

Ladies and gentlemen. I am a proud man, and as TS will tell you I am not one to admit defeat or error easily. It therefore makes it difficult to admit that…

… I was impressed by the originality of an idea in the new Celebrity Big Brother series.

It’s like admitting addiction to heroin… having to publicly state something that flies in the face of everything that society expects!

Rather than risk yet another catastrophe involving small minded, e-list celebrity flotsom acting like ignorant pieces of rat-shit, this year the housemates aren’t really celebrities. Some (including me) would say this isn’t much of a change, as most contestants over the last few years have been vacuous non-entities that are unheard of before they drop their arses live on Channel 4. At least this year C4 has pre-empted this criticism by deliberately picking “up and coming” people from the world of sport, politics, music, and… erm… the circus.