Coming straight to a dvd near you this summer!
There’s no doubt about it, January and 2008 are well and truly here. I wasn’t sure for the first couple of weeks, but the evidence is undeniable. This means that supermarkets are already selling easter eggs and chocolate bunnies (well there’s only 3 full months until Easter). They look quite bizarre when they are located right next to the advent calenders that are still reduced to clear. Also January brings the glut of adverts for summer holidays and opportunities to start saving money for Christmas 2008 with shopping calenders. That’s right, you’ve survived Christmas without being declared bankrupt so celebrate by going to Majorca this summer while saving up for a hamper full of spam.
January also means we are told all the fantastic films we have to look forward to this year. From the outset, I hold my hand up and admit I’m already excited about the prospect of The Dark Knight. When I say excited, I have watched the trailer about a dozen times, and have changed my desktop image to a poster of the Joker carving a smile under the question “Why so serious?”
To cement my comic fanboy status, I’m also strangely interested in seeing Robert Downey Jnr playing Ironman. I’ve never been a huge fan of this character, even though he’s a suave alcoholic billionaire who also has a cast iron suit that lets him fly and shoot stuff. The trailer managed to catch my attention, and it could be worth a few quid to eat nachos in front of.
However, readers will know that I never spend too much time praising stuff when there’s abject dross to whine about. And so I would like to highlight some of the cinematic offerings that probably won’t be clogging up your local multiplex for too long.
A questionable starting point has to be X-files 2. I have nothing against the X-Files, although it tends to appeal to people who mistake it for documentary evidence, instead of entertaining and intriguing fiction. I just don’t seem to remember the first X-files film. It could be that it was surpressed by a government conspiracy because it was too close to the truth. More likely, it was just a bit poo. Either way, I doubt the intervening years have been used solely to hone the script to pure perfection.
A sure fire disaster has got to be National Treasure: Book of Secrets. I’m sure that it’ll be easy enough to follow if you’ve not seen the original Nic Cage travesty… In fact given the fact that the first film was like sitting through a bastardised hybrid of elementary school American history and a Masonic conspiracy theory for 4 year-olds, the producers must know that no-one who sat through it is going to spend any money on watching a follow-up.
A couple of years ago, I was working in Cardiff for a few weeks, and had the joy of distracting TS from waterbombing blonde passers-by from the hotel room window. One of the ways was to let her order a film every now and then. It’s not relevent to mention some of her choices, but one night we settled down to watch National Treasure, simply because it was the best the Welsh capital had to offer. For more than 2 hours, we watched gurning Cage nip around locations of historic significance on a treasure hunt. 2 hours, limited facial expressions, and a glorified set of 3D glasses that formed an essential plot feature. It was like watching a remake of The Goonies performed by a chimp on amphetamines, only without the quality of acting.
The Ramble award for “Most tortuous film inflicted on economy passengers on long-hall fliers, resulting in airborn mutiny” has to go to You Don’t Mess with Zohan. Amusing name, and the story of a Mossad agent faking their death to become a hairdresser is amusing for at least 5 seconds. Unfortunately, people will only see the title next to the cast list. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to combine the comic talents of Adam Sandler with Rob Schneider? It’s the movie equivalent of combining an oversized supository made of tobasco, with an enema of sulphuric acid: it will be painful and tortuous, and you’ll want it to be over before it’s even begun. Not even the inclusion of the Fonze can make up for the Schneider/Sandler spitroast of hell.
Another curious casting combination is in the form of Righteous Kill. Pacino and De Niro, 2 of the finest popular actors for decades are joined by…
50 Cent.
Why don’t they just throw in Barney the frigging dinosaur as a mafia kingpin, and Orville the Duck as a psychotic bus driver with a love of buggery just to make sure you’ve sacrificed any artistic integrity for the sake of appealing to as wide an audience as possible?
Ah well. I am just going to have to grin and bare it, and hope to God that I don’t stumble into a cinema when pissed. I’ll just have to focus my attention on the Joker, before spending ridiculous amounts of time trying to find out about the next James Bond Film that will be out sometime before hell freezes over.
