I can't believe I am going to say this:
Ladies and gentlemen. I am a proud man, and as TS will tell you I am not one to admit defeat or error easily. It therefore makes it difficult to admit that…
… I was impressed by the originality of an idea in the new Celebrity Big Brother series.
It’s like admitting addiction to heroin… having to publicly state something that flies in the face of everything that society expects!
Rather than risk yet another catastrophe involving small minded, e-list celebrity flotsom acting like ignorant pieces of rat-shit, this year the housemates aren’t really celebrities. Some (including me) would say this isn’t much of a change, as most contestants over the last few years have been vacuous non-entities that are unheard of before they drop their arses live on Channel 4. At least this year C4 has pre-empted this criticism by deliberately picking “up and coming” people from the world of sport, politics, music, and… erm… the circus.
The real fun comes through the “hijacking” of the show by actual celebrities (or at least people that I have heard of). This works by the day’s celebrity taking the role of Big Brother, and essentially playing the role of puppet master in this televised dolls’ house. I am genuinely looking forward to Brian Sewell taking the reigns, which he will do according to something I read somewhere (there’s a reliable source for you people!). Sewell, by way of explanation, is an English art critic who has the most ridiculous accent you’ll ever hear. It manages to go beyond that of Loyd Grossman, and I can only describe it as an upper class interpretation of Dick Van Dyke’s cockney codswallop in Mary Poppins- it is that exaggerated!
We’re still in the early stages, as it only began last night. If it all turns to shite before your very eyes, don’t come crying to me. Yesterday’s Hijacker was Matt Lucas- the round/bald/gay comedian from Shooting Stars and Little Britain fame. In a masterstroke of television, he gave the first housemate to enter the house a challenge. John, the big ginger happy Scottish political activist, had to wear a stereotypical tartan hat to hide an earpiece. Through this earpiece, Lucas gave John instructions on how to act in front of each new housemate as they entered the place in turn.
TS and I only caught this half way through, but it was great to see the faces of men being approached by this big, smiling ginger loon, who would give them an unsolicited back rubs. The confusion that gradually spread as John had to go up to each of them in turn and say the word “cake”, before just nodding and walking away. All of a sudden, it was like having an out of body experience… that is the sort of random behaviour that I have grown used to from TS, but there it was happening to other people in an intentionally bizarre scenario. I actually checked TS’ ears last night to try and see if she’s been controlled by some unseen camp celebrity. Unfortunately I couldn’t find any receivers, so any voices must just be inside her pretty little head. Oh well.
Anyway, what was I on about? Oh yes, John had to satisfy his invisible manipulator in order to win a party for the rest of the house, and a free pass to the grand final for himself. Without wanting to ruin the surprise (not that there is any) for you dear readers, he passed the test thanks to successfully collapsing to the floor as if shot, and holding his leg while complaining of spontaneous cramp. Well done to him!
So there we have it. Hell has frozen over, and I have written positive things about an episode of Big Brother. However, normal service will be restored.
Smoking Monkey will return in: A Review of Celebrity Fitness Videos (working title)
ps… it has been pointed out that apparently we know Liam. By this, I mean that TS knows him from back in the ghetto of Widnes. He’s not a web designer/entrepreneur as he claims… though I got lost in TS’ ramblings and so can’t give any more information. If I remember, I’ll let you all know
