Lord of the Pies

OK, confession time. Last night Techno Scouse caught me watching something i shouldn’t have been on TV. It involved a group of hot teens, and plenty of big naked boobs. Obviously I know these programmes are on TV most nights, but they’re always trashy pieces of crap that fill schedules. I guess I just had a moment of weakness and got found out. She’s forgiven me, but I still feel a real sense of shame and embarassment.

I am of course talking about Can Fat Teens Hunt, and the naked boobs I refeered to belonged to the chronically tubby lads taking part in the “weight loss” programme. That’s not to say that there weren’t teen girls on there as well, but given that they were so fat that they actually seemed to have a spare set of breasts hanging down their backs. Very fetching, ladies!

The idea for the show is that teenagers from the UK are too fat because of their crappy diets of pizza, burgers, chips, and congealed fat. Obviously what they need is to be transported to live with a tribe in the Malaysian jungle, to experience the hunter/gatherer lifestyle. They then experience killing their own food before eating it, and actually getting off their monstrously large arses once in a while.

The real enjoyment though comes not from seeing them develop as people and learning new skills (because they don’t manage either). Instead, the highlight is watching these buckets of blubber sweating from the exertion of lifting their flabby arms to pick up rice. In the course of one episode, we saw the highlights of one lad suffering heat exhaustion, while a girl was being treated in hospital for gall stones brought on by dehydration. The dippy orca doesn’t deserve sympathy. One of the reasons she had to be admitted to hospital was she hadn’t had a dump for 9 days!

That’s right, it seems that these teenage tubsters have accepted this offer of a trip around the world to lose weight, but expected proper flushing toilets. When faced with the prospect of having to park their lunch in a hole in the ground, they think it’s worth trying to hold it in for a few weeks. I can understand their reluctance, as I think indoor plumbing is one of the highlights of western civilisation. For that reason, I avoid situations where I may need to have to crap in a ditch. Camping is therefore not my idea of fun, and I would not live with a tribe in the middle of the Asian jungle. Perhaps that just illustrates the real problem with Britain’s youth: they are fucking stupid and will do anything to be on TV without actually thinking it through!

During last night’s show, the lads had the privilege of joining the tribal hunters on a search for frogs. Apparently they are a very good source of protein for relatively low calorific cost (not that these greasers would ever eat anything as unusual). However, despite being told which frogs are nutritious gems, and which ones have highly poisonous skin that will kill you if you touch them, the pasty pastie-lovers always seem to be about to pick up a big handful of death!
Personally I think the show would be better if they went for the full-on Lord of the Flies/Battle Royale experience and just dumped the fat bastards on an island. That way we could really enjoy their suffering, and they would have no choice but to adjust to the harsh necessities of survival… or die! Every now and then, drop a small case of sausage rolls in the middle of a snake-infested jungle, and arm them with weapons ranging from rubber mallets to crossbows. Last sphere standing gets free liposuction or a fatal amount of bacon!

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 30th, 2007 at 10:44 pm and is filed under Televisual Treats, Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.