News review

Righty ho… well as I’m having a relatively good day, and so far I have not seen Derek Acorah or Jade Goodey on TV, there is no specific thing I fancy writing about. However, I do fancy adding something to this little blog, in the vain hope of amusing and entertaining you dear readers.

And so, I thought I would give a little look at what’s in the papers. It will give our non-UK cousins a chance to get a flavour of the Nation that spawned an empire. In light of this grand aspiration, it is only proper that I use the finest daily publication as my source of news. I speak of course of The Sun:

Starting on a cultural high point, the paper has very patriotically commemorated 300 years of the Treaty of Union between England and Scotland by showcasing “our countries’ gorgeous girls.” It makes a proud Briton’s heart swell to know that the treaty that ended centuries of war, and created one of the leading nations is marked in such a way.

Speaking as a Scotsman of sorts (born in Aberdeen, so that’s enough for me), I am slightly let down by the collection of “tartan totty.” I mean is it really the best we can offer to have Sheena Easton, Lulu, and Lorraine Kelly in the top 10?  And I thought Isla Fisher was Australian (though I may be wrong). I haven’t voted in The Sun’s online poll, but I suspect that the Scots may have to take the runner’s up medal in this one. I’m surprised that they didn’t put Wee Jimmy Krankie in for good measure!

OOH!!! My favourite silicon brain-fart is in the news again, and once more it’s courtesy of poor little… ok, poor lardy… Harvey. The good news is that he’s out of hospital. I must have been working or something when the shock admission to hospital was on the news, as I now feel ashamed for not sending him a get well soon card. Apparently, the 4 year old, partially sighted, disabled child suffered majot burns to his leg. How did he get such injuries? he climbed into a bath and turned on a hot tap, scolding himself in the process.

Once again, to avoid any undue suggestion I’m a heartless bastard, i don’t have a go at harvey because of his condition. However, I do wonder about the high standard of care clearly shown by whoever is probably paid to look after the little mite when he’s not being photgraphed for Heat magazine. Indeed, his injuries were made worse by the fact “his rescuer” (no mention of WHO that actually was… interesting) pulled his jeans off and tore the skin off his leg.

Meanwhile, in the Celebrity Big Brother House, the model who’s shagging terry Sheringham had the misfortune of her top falling down to reveal her bra during a task. The funniest thing was a comment on digital spy saying that she must be devastated at the embarassment. I suspect she’ll get over it, probably by doing a topless photo shoot when she rejoins society.

Girls Aloud star Nadine Coyle’s flat was gatecrashed by a gang of cocaine dealers, looking for a safehouse to store their drugs. The only reason I mention this one really is that it gives me a chance to pass on old information I had that one of the girl-group used to shag the dearly departed Manchester gangster Dessie Noonan. It’s probably for my own good that I can’t remember which girl it was (I expect she has rather good libel lawyers to hand), but I have good authority that Noonan (stabbed to death by his crack dealer a couple of years ago) was once a close acquaintance.

The crowning story HAS to be “My Sex Tape Nightmare” by Keeley Hazell. Now, Ms Hazell is a Page 3 girl, and has probably got her baps out more times in the last 12 months than I’ve had pies. Unfortunately for her, an ex-boyfriend has released a 10 minute video of the pair up to something (The Sun is surprisingly sparse on details), together with still images from the tape “to a downmarket newspaper.”

Hold on there… The Sun, scandel-mongering tabloid rag that it is can class another paper as “downmarket”? That’s even more entertaining that Keeley’s quote that “Now I feel I have no dignity left.”

So what lessons can we learn from these stories?

1. Don’t leave toddlers alone where they can scold themselves

2. If you’re a glamour model and have taken a camcorder on holiday to tenerife, think twice about letting the bloke keep the tape the morning after you’ve had a steamy session

3. In tabloid land, everything can be celebrated with a picture of Kelly Brook

God Save The Queen!

By way of contrast, The Times has articles on how screw caps on wine bottles can give the wine a smell of stink bombs, and a short article dedicated to a word that starts with C and rhymes with blunt. High-brow stuff!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 16th, 2007 at 9:56 pm and is filed under Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.