Anyway, in light of my earlier post about fulfilling my wish of getting a bespoke suit online (for about the price of a 2 piece glued together combo from TopMan), I thought I would share other deep-seated ambitions with you. Because that’s the caring sharing guy I am. I am going to bore the living snot out of you by imparting little snippets of aspiration. I should start charging for this you know.

Now before you all close the page and go to look at Cambodian midgets wrestling a lion on Youtube or something, let me reassure you this is not going to be the usual list of swimming with dolphins or pissing into the Grand Canyon. Most writers (by which I mean ones who get paid for this stuff) tend to vomit a list of the most self-absorbed crap as a way of subtley pointing out all the pretentious wonderful things they have already done. That’s right, these sneaky hacks are trying to tell you they have lived the most thrilling life and that unless you emulate it to the finest degree, you are a disgrace to humanity and have nullified all evolution since the development of the opposable thumb.

Well I would never be as patronising as that with you. I am patronising in a different way, but I find that people who have to cling on to triumphs of the past so much have sod all imagination or originality for the future. Believe me, some of my ideas are not going to appear in any column of a Daily Mail travel writer!

As ever, please feel free to comment or add your own. Doesn’t matter how mundane or extreme your idea (see below for examples!). Oh, and just because I put these down it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going to make them happen (just in case Jamie Oliver’s lawyers are reading this):

Get a tattoo: Simple enough, find a nice man or woman with poster paint, needles, and ideally the ability to draw things that look like they are meant to (so not me). But it’s not that simple. Admittedly tattoos as an idea are cool, pure and simple. However, I can not think of something I want branded onto my body for evermore, or even where on my body I’d want it. It’s all well and good getting something on the inside of your forearm so you look like you have been indoctrinated into a secret society of assassins (can’t believe that isn’t on my draft list), but what about when I’m in the office with it showing through my white shirt in front of a client. Will they judge me differently depending on what they can see? How about when I’m 87 and have got bored of seeing some random tribal squiggle every time I put my watch on.?

Life’s not easy. Too many choices, it’s the Western curse. And on top of that you have what I’ll refer to as Sporty Spice Syndrome. When I was a younger version of me, I liked the idea of a Celtic band round my arm. I was very into Celtic stuff in my youth, but more of that another time. What would initially have seemed like a pretty solid choice would have instantly turned to regret once Mel C got this done.

Let’s face it, forever more you’ll be compared to some scrawny Scouse bint who couldn’t even pull a footballer when she was in the most successful pop group ever. You just can’t predict which random numpty will somehow copy you and turn the most ornate and impressive ink-blot into the body-art equivalent of a smiley face. Cunning bastards, all out to get you!

Next up, I want to Lose some weight. Not much detail needed here. Wii fit says I’m obese. I don’t agree, but there’s no disputing that I’m definitely overweight. I’ve already had suit trousers let out at the waist before the arse-seam splits like the San Andreas fault line and reveals my arse to a District Judge. So far, my gym attendance has left a bit to be desired, but I blame work (like every other fat bastard with a job). Measuring myself up for my suit has highlighted the fact I’m no longer fit enough to outrun the Japanese whaling fleets though, to think it’s time to shed the pounds before they harpoon me in my sleep.

On a more humanitarian note, and believe me this is for the greater good of humanity, I would like to Torture Jamie Oliver. Ignoring the fact he’s married with kids, he’s still a smug git famous for cookery. He’s a gobby little herbert (and the fact he’s an Essex boy really doesn’t do him any favours here) whose use of the words “pukka” or “bish-bosh” have marked him for pain and possible death. I have a genuine allergic reaction to him. Anytime his curly-haired pumpkin of a head appears on televisiong I can’t help but swear. This is a problem if I’m at my parents’ place, but if you listen quietly enough you will here the word “twat” being muttered over and over again. Suffice to say, I am boycotting Sainsbury’s.

Torture is a strong word, but I know what I’m doing. Firstly I need to abduct him. No small task, so there’s time to plan whether to go for the Mr Blonde/Reservoir Dogs approach and demonstrate my razor skills, or to browse the Saw series of films for inspiration. Time is on my side!

Moving away from sociopathic tendancies, at least for a little while, I would like to try my hand at Stand-up Comedy. Admittedly this is a bit of an ego trip, but there’s a real appeal to being in front of a group of random strangers with the sole purpose of making them laugh. On here, the aim is more or less the same, but this is anonymous… none of you can yell anything at me mid sentence with the specific intention of belittling me and making me cry. I haven’t got a problem with standing up and trying to get my point approach across to people, as it’s part of my daily life. But in stand-up, it’s people who have paid to come and watch you, and who demand to be amused. Right Now!

Moving back to giving the general impression that I pose a risk to the gentle public, I would like to Get revenge. Unlike the Jamie Oliver thing above, there is a prospect of this happening so best not to go into details as it could be used in evidence. Let’s just say there is a former friend who let me down in the worst ways, and despite my efforts the fat git has chosen where his loyalties lie. Not a problem, or at least it won’t be if I plant my fist in his face. Live and let die, as Paul McCartney once said!

Changing tack a little, and putting a bit of distance between myself and a criminal conviction, and onto something that should definitely happen in 2010. I will be working towards getting my Higher Rights of Audience. This will mean virtually nothing to most readers, so I’ll try and sum it up as efficiently as possible. I am a solicitor, which means I do not have “rights of audience” to conduct advocacy in the Crown Court (where all the more serious offences are dealt with in the English legal system). If I get my Higher Rights, I get to do this.

This should (eventually) lead to more money, and continue my jedi-like progression to being the greatest criminal lawyer in Manchester. It also means I’ll have to shell out a significant amount of cash on a black gown and horsehair wig, so I am able to properly address the Crown Court Judges without being dismissed as an unqualified interloper!

When I do get a wig, I will need a name for it. Given the cost of the little fury bastard, I’m going to treat it like some sort of pet. Feel free to submit suggestions well in advance.

Next, I should probably aim to finish off a number of half-drafted posts on this site, as well as regularly updating the site.  No matter how hard I try, I often struggle to keep even the horoscopes updated. Let’s all hope that 2010 is the year in which I get my arse in gear!

And finally, I would like this site to gain some sort of national notoriety. I want there to be some form of campaign to identify the SmokingMonkey. I shall become a crusader, battling for what’s right and good in the world. A bit like Noel’s HQ, but without being such a preening arrogant plum-sack, who looks like a skinny version of the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase (reference for the teenegers there)

and I may already have the perfect campaign in mind…

Anyway, I should really wish you all a Happy New Year. So I will.

Pip-pip!

For it has arrived!

Yes, Father Christmas has delivered my present one day early thanks to the Teutonic efficiency of DHL, and I have my suit.

I will update this post more at a later date, but as I’ve left ebay feedback referring people to this site for a full review I though I should at least give a preliminary assessment. In due course, there will be photos and more info. You’ll have to wait though, as I have a few more pressing things to sort out.

But I digress. The jury is back, and the foreman is asked for the virdict:

The suit is an absolute winner.

Yes, the miserable SmokingMonkey is very content and extremely pleased with the suit. It was well packaged, and while there are one or two light creases it’s no worse than if it’s been in a suitcase. Considering that it’s been posted from Pakistan, it’s in remarkably good shape.

The material is excellent (certainly for the price), and put together as well as any other suit in my wardrobe.

The measurements were taken by me, so I can’t be critical of the manufacturer for any size problems. If I was going to have any criticisms of the suit it would be that it’s a slightly generous fit round the waist/belly. It’s perfectly fine for wearing though, and I prefer the slightly roomy feeling for a change. I will be getting buttons sewn in for braces anyway, so I won’t have to worry about losing my strides like some kind of French Farce!

In hindsight, the purple lining might have been a bit brave, particularly as the back of the waistcoat is a very vivid purple. Still, nothing wrong with adding a splash of colour to the muted world of criminal law.

Just wish I’d received the fabric swatches I requested, as I will certainly be planning to order again (with perhaps one or 2 minor measurement adjustments). I’ve asked them for one to be sent over though. Perhaps I should set up as their official UK agent!

If anyone does order as a result of my review, please feel free to quote my ebay name in your order (badgerific). Also let me know. I like feeling influential!

For now though, may I wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas. I might even try to make a Christmas Speech to the SmokingMonkey Commonwealth, though a much simpler one than Her Majesty the Queen’s!

For a little while now, I have been awaiting delivery of my bespoke suit from those lovely people at bespokeway. Indeed one of you charming individuals has found the site presumably by doing a google search for that company, to see if they are actually any good.

I feel like I’m on Watchdog or something, giving consumer advice about dodgy kettles.

Anyway, the latest info I have is that my suit is in the country. More accurately, it’s at a DHL depot near Manchester and would be with me now had Jack Frost not monumentally spaffed over the road network.

I got a nice-ish email updating me about this on Monday (when the shipping log actually shows it arrived at UK customs):

“Dear valued customer,
Your item has been shipped out from our factory outlet in South Asia
and will require a signature on arrival. Please allow 4-6 working days
for delivery. In the very rare case, if there is anything that is not
up to your satisfaction, please give us the opportunity to resolve any
issues. As professionals we stand behind our work and within the
limitations of our return policy would do our very best to satisfy
each and every customer.
Item title: Suit
Courier Web address:
Airway bill/Tracking No.: XCXXXXXXXX (Please note that we take every possible care in packaging your
garments but sometimes the creases fall out during transit and you
need to Press/Dry clean your clothes before first use.
Should there be any problems with the tracking or delivery, please
feel free to contact us & we would be happy to help.

Kind regards,”

As always, I enjoy the personalised touch of “Dear Valued Customer”, and now with the almost preemptive strike that seems to say “your suit will look like we tried to make an origami badger out of wool, but failed”.

Still, there’s no denying that the suit has been made pretty quickly. Now we just need to find out if it’s been made pretty well or pretty badly.

Stay tuned dear readers- full review and maybe even exciting photos of yours truly will follow asap!

So after the lengthy ordering process, and the even more lengthy measurement debacle, I sent a stack of messages to the lovely people at bespokeway asking them to provide an updated ebay invoice for my optional extras.

And I waited.

And I sent 3 messages on ebay and another 2 emails.

Anyway, baring in mind that there’s a 4-5 week delivery time, and this is my Christmas present, I was obviously keen to get the ball rolling and the cloth a cutting! 5 days later though, I got a lovely email as follows:

“Dear valued customer, (I do love the personal touch)

Thank you for purchasing suit from us and also thanks for super fast payment.Please refill your suit style in below order form or fill a new order form through our Website:http://www.bespokeway.com because of any unforeseen reason we have not received your full order details.Please recheck those measurements which are highlighted from red color in below order form not looking OK for perfect fit

Your suit will be delivered to you in 4-5 weeks.

Thank you again for doing business with us and for your patience:”

Now this was fine. I accept that losing the measurements due to an unforseen reason is a little worrying, but it’s not like my credit card details have been hijacked by pirates. What’s the worst that can happen, some bloke in a rural Asian sweatshop is going to think I’m a bloater? Not a problem for me, my nimble-fingered friend!

I was also impressed they had spotted that my trouser leg measurements seemed a bit short. In my excitement, I could have ended up with a bespoke pair of peddle-pushers. Not good, particularly for Court.

Admittedly they hadn’t spotted the fact that in the measurements they sent me for confirmation, my wrist was 2 inches bigger than my bicep. Who the hell did they think i was, Popeye?

Anyway, amended and added what needed amending and adding and dispatched it merrily.

3 more days passed when FINALLY I got the nice little note pointing out the extra money they need for my order. So after a week of chasing I eventually am able to pay the extra, and all should be going well.

Will I get the suit in time for Christmas? Will I look like I’m wearing the most perfectly tailored pair of shorts? Just why did Popeye have such well-developed forearms?

The answers to some of these questions will be answered soon!

The good news is that I have a few embryonic post ideas, so when things are a little more settled I’ll be bombarding you with tirades of random crap like a chimp flinging shit in the zoo.

For today though, I thought I would set out the grounding for a future post. I have found, courtesy of ebay, what claims to be a ridiculously cheap website for the sale of besoke suits. I make it clear, this is not an endorsement or a criticism yet. Only time will tell which way the wind will blow, and I am hoping that given the high turnover of readers of this site I could be the making or breaking of this particular site.

While I am determined never to be a slave to fashion, or even a servant to style, I do know what I like clothing wise and what I tend to look good(ish) in. By and large, I look good in suits. This is a bonus considering I spend at least 5 days a week suited and booted for work.

However, it has been a lifelong ambition (well, not lifelong but quite a while) to have a bespoke suit rather than the off the peg items you find in Next or Burtons. While there’s nothing necessarily wrong with these shops, the suits can be a bit samey and lack any elements of personalisation. There are options out there for bespoke suits but sadly they cost massive amounts of cash that I simply can never hope to afford. Therefore, this could be the way forward.

The site in question is BespokeWay which looks like it could be a perfect budget way to have a suit made to measure to your own design specifications. Now obviously I’m not expecting Saville Row quality, and there is a relatively limited selection of colours and materials. However, the design process does let me choose colour, lining, and a lot of little details of my suit. There aren’t many other things I would like to add at this stage so it’s worth a bit of a punt.

There is a risk, and this is based on the feedback on ebay, that I will get a crumpled bundle of  a suit turned into an origami frog. Alternatively it will look like some cheap polyester monstrosity that makes me look like a model in a 1976 Freeman’s Catalogue.

To negate the idea of wasting money, this will also be my Christmas present. The shipping time means that (subject to Royal Mail not going back on strike like petulent toddlers) I will be looking like the Pimp Chimp in time for the festivities. If the suit’s crap though, I will go on a Godzilla-style rampage and you can all watch the live footage of the hostage scenario unfolding on Sky News. Imagine the site of a man with the worst crumpled suit, standing atop Manchester Town Hall, threatening to jump unless someone with a Corby Trouser Press sorts out his waistcoat by noon. It’ll be beautiful.

I can tell that each of you is already dying to know what options I am going for. Well, if all goes to plan I will receive a charcoal grey 3 piece suit with purple lining (well it has to be done). The jacket will be 2 button with peak lapels, external ticket pocket, and opening cuff-buttons; the waistcoat will be 5 button with notch lapels, and 4 pockets; while the trousers will have waist adjusters and no belt loops.

Now I’m off to the bedroom with a tape-measure to note down my dimensions. There’s a first time for everything!