Anyway, back to the future:

Scorpio: This month the Mystical Smoking Monkey has had a trip to Whittards, and bought some lovely loose-leaf tea. Never one to miss out on a spot of tasseography, I have read the tea leaves to decipher what lies in store for all you adorable little scorpions.

Your hopes of setting a world record with the hula hoop will be shattered, much like your hips. Perhaps it wasn’t a good idea to try it in the middle of a busy road in front of a truck. However, you will be runner up for “most retarded ambition of the week”. Congratulations.

Towards the end of the month you will find yourself inundated with surprise visitors. Sadly you will feel obliged to show levels of hospitality upon complete strangers, even lavishing sweet gifts upon them for fear of reprisals. You will be amazed that your neighbours have the same problems, as if the 31st has some sort of stupid tradition about little bastards demanding sweets off you for fear of egging your house. Random!

Over the next few weeks, you will have difficulties sleeping and may be troubled by dreams of trench warfare. This is quite natural, as Mars (bringer of war) has been watching Derren Brown, and thinks it’s funny to screw with your head. Just have a large brandy each night before bed, and the Stars will see you right.

The presence of Venus in the constellation TopCat means that you are being watched over by one whose purpose is to give you a clearer view of the world outside. Not everyone appreciates their window cleaner appearing at their bedroom window at night, however, so perhaps you should invest in curtains.

An unexpected twitch in the rings of Uranus will mean that financial constraints ease slightly around mid-November. The wisdom of Jupiter does question whether it is a sound investment to collect die-cast replica fire engines though.

Quick-fire predictions:

Most likely to be arrested for: stealing the hearts of a pretty girl. This will also cost you your job in the hospital morgue.
Drink to avoid: the milk in your fridge has been there a while. I’d stay clear if i were you.
Lucky hat: beanie cap with a propeller on it.
Weapon to select if challenged to a duel: catapult.
Aura colour: aquamarine.
Cause of death: natural causes. Well if you get stabbed that many times, it’d be unnatural not to die!
Lucky bar snack: Pork Scratchings.
Pub quiz answer that could win you amazing cash prizes: The Clockwork Orange, novel by Anthony Burgess (1962), film directed by Stanley Kubrick (1971), never actually banned in the UK, inspired the names of top-notch musical acts Moloko and Heaven 17.
Unlucky TV programme: Animals do the Funniest Things.
Downfall: fingerprints… it’s always the bloody fingerprints.

Astrological allergies: paper, the light off a computer monitor, and fish

Sagittarius: You will question every aspect of your life and evaluate what you have achieved thus far in life. Particularly after your mother reveals the secret that your father is actually Bob Holness, host of Blockbusters in the 80s and 90s. It would seem you are the result of a triumphant third Gold Run. Congratulations

Capricorn: Around the 3rd of this month, you will stub your toe due to a mischievous rearranging of your furniture by Mars.

Aquarius: On or around the 16th you may want to take particular care you’re not being followed home. In fact it may be better not to go to your house. Ever Again. Look out, he’s found you! JUST GET OUT! DON’T STOP RUNNING!

Pisces: You will receive kind words and flowers from seemingly all of your closest friends. Sadly you won’t be able to thank anyone as they are guests at your funeral. The Stars do like the buffet at the wake though.

Aries: An exciting new career awaits, when a wealthy, mysterious, and eccentric billionaire is recruiting in your home town. All goes well until it turns out that you are a henchman for a villain in a James Bond film.

Taurus: You will start an international dance craze, thanks to your natural rhythm. And epilepsy.

Gemini: If you’re married, your spouse will reveal a secret love of cross-dressing. In response, you will balloon in weight which at least means you can share the same outfits. Sadly you will also bend over at work and split your trousers quite spectacularly. The Stars don’t like you. Get over it.

Cancer: The congurance of Saturn and Uranus in the third House of Bulimia will have an unexpected impact upon you. I’m not allowed to ruin the surprise though. Sorry.

Leo: This month you are destined to win the lottery, find true love, and become a star of stage and screen. Now all you need is to find a way out of this cell…

Virgo: You will reach a new low when the Priory Clinic refuses to acknowledge your addiction to KFC Popcorn Chicken as a genuine illness. 32 chickens and one hapless mole die during the resultant binge.

Libra: You will face a challenge all month not to bitch-slap a jumped-up little twerp in the work place. However, your use of waistcoats will gain you immense respect from all you cross your path.

You may mock, and you may scoff. I just have scoffed as a matter of fact, a substantial amount of Chinese food but that’s not relevant right now. How can you deny the science behind astrology? How can anyone question the concept of 1/12 of the population of the whole planet having an identical day purely based on which month they were born in. You fucking nay-sayers, always nay-saying. Just open your mind. Next you’ll be saying that mediums are talking toss as well, and that Derek Acorah is a fraud.

Oh, wait… I do say that, don’t I?  Never mind. This is different.

To explain, each month I shall do a detailed prediction and analysis of the star charts for the relevant star sign. Hence this month Libra has the benefit of my galactic insight. All other readers will have to make do with snapshots of what the stars have revealed to me.

Of course for a very reasonable fee, I’ll be happy to give detailed predictions for anyone who is interested. Post a comment with how much you’re willing to pay to know the future (nb: results may vary from predictions. This is only because you have read the predictions, and adjusted your actions accordingly. It’s a space-time paradox. Watch the whole Back to the Future trilogy and you’ll understand.)

And without further ado, I present The Future:

Libra:This month will pose you a number of challenges and seem to skimp on the rewards. Rest assured that the cosmic balance shall even itself out, especially once Neptune has ended its polka through the constellation of Herman the Hyena.

Half way through the month you may find guidance from an unexpected but unquestionable source. Or you may not find it around that time, in which case you deserve all you get from not looking at this website frequently enough. I’m only trying to help, so don’t come crying to me if you were too busy looking for less fortifying material on the internet. And no, it’s not normal to be aroused by videos of women knitting. Get some help you freak.

Anyway, the Mystical Smoking Monkey is not here to judge. I do in any event, but that’s not why I’m here.

Autumnal equinoxes always bring out the soothsayer in me, and this month I have studied the entrails of a squirrel who foolishly ran out in front of the car while storing food for the winter. The message of this alone is clear- stop fiddling with your nuts when you should be paying attention to the traffic.

Examinations of Tufty’s gizzards also suggest that you wil need to invest in hiring a carpet shampoo machine due to a visit from a family member with no stomach for Absinthe. It would also be a good idea to invest in some air freshener as you appear to be runnin low.

Towards the end of the month, you will need to start to plan for a number of financial outgoings. The influence of Tarka the Otter on Mercury means that you should delay these decisions however. The people you were going to buy for don’t actually like you, and they were not going to get you anything in return. You’d be better off buying yourself a nice new teapot and some loose leaf Lapsang Souchong.

In summary, stop naval gazing and reflecting on where you are or what you are doing with your life. Instead take guidance from someone you’ve never met, but who writes in an italic fountain pen. You will know them when you see them.

Quick-fire predictions:

Most likely to be arrested for: attempting to impersonate a glove puppet at a primary school
Drink to avoid: soya milk, and the people who drink it
Lucky hat: the bowler
Weapon to select if challenged to a duel: blowgun and curare-tipped dart
Aura colour: purple
Cause of death: over-zealous happy slap incident by 17 marauding badgers on amphetamine
Lucky bar snack: scampi fries
Pub quiz answer that could win you amazing cash prizes: Word Up, by Cameo (1986)
Unlucky TV programme: Crimewatch
Downfall: gravity, combined with the mistaken belief that your coat is just like Batman’s cape
Astrological allergies: Nitrogen, low fat spreads, and your own eyebrows.

Scorpio: Love is in the air. Not for you, but for your best friend who will then realise that you’re a loser and completely ignore you from now on.

Sagittarius: You will go on a blind date, only to find out your date is actually blind. Being one to make the most of any situation, you try all sorts of shameful actions,  safe in the knowledge that you’ll never be identified. Result.

Capricorn: You celebrate a rare triumph on Monday, when you win a coin-toss for the first time in your life.

Aquarius: Devastation on Sunday when your entire Tupperware collection is struck by lightening.

Pisces: Wednesday will not begin well, when your paperboy has a heart attack. Such a tragic loss at the age of 12, but he was a tubby little bastard. You manage to extract your copy of Heat from his hands, and then focus on retarded celebrities while ignoring the corpse on your doorstep.

Aries: Thursday brings relief when the police confirm that no charges are being brought. Sadly this means you wasted a lot of money on a new identity, and paying a deposit on a caravan in Rio.

Taurus: You will develop a clinical addiction to chestnuts, that will drain your finances faster going to an auction while drunk. And if your name is Bono, you will have the piss ripped out of you by a small but influential blogging website.

Gemini: The influence of Jupiter on you would suggest that it’d be safer all round to just spend Tuesday in a bunker at least 15 feet under ground. It’s better you don’t know why, but say goodbye to any family pets.

Cancer: Fame and celebrity will come calling after you are discovered in a celebrity orgy. This will be followed by crippling embarassment when it’s disclosed that the other participants were the Chuckle Brothers. Cries of “To me, to you” will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Leo: Friday night will end in disaster when a badly constructed fajita unfolds, and coats your shirt with salsa.

Virgo: That rash will clear up in time for the big date, but the stars regret they can’t do anything about your ears.