For it has arrived!

Yes, Father Christmas has delivered my present one day early thanks to the Teutonic efficiency of DHL, and I have my suit.

I will update this post more at a later date, but as I’ve left ebay feedback referring people to this site for a full review I though I should at least give a preliminary assessment. In due course, there will be photos and more info. You’ll have to wait though, as I have a few more pressing things to sort out.

But I digress. The jury is back, and the foreman is asked for the virdict:

The suit is an absolute winner.

Yes, the miserable SmokingMonkey is very content and extremely pleased with the suit. It was well packaged, and while there are one or two light creases it’s no worse than if it’s been in a suitcase. Considering that it’s been posted from Pakistan, it’s in remarkably good shape.

The material is excellent (certainly for the price), and put together as well as any other suit in my wardrobe.

The measurements were taken by me, so I can’t be critical of the manufacturer for any size problems. If I was going to have any criticisms of the suit it would be that it’s a slightly generous fit round the waist/belly. It’s perfectly fine for wearing though, and I prefer the slightly roomy feeling for a change. I will be getting buttons sewn in for braces anyway, so I won’t have to worry about losing my strides like some kind of French Farce!

In hindsight, the purple lining might have been a bit brave, particularly as the back of the waistcoat is a very vivid purple. Still, nothing wrong with adding a splash of colour to the muted world of criminal law.

Just wish I’d received the fabric swatches I requested, as I will certainly be planning to order again (with perhaps one or 2 minor measurement adjustments). I’ve asked them for one to be sent over though. Perhaps I should set up as their official UK agent!

If anyone does order as a result of my review, please feel free to quote my ebay name in your order (badgerific). Also let me know. I like feeling influential!

For now though, may I wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas. I might even try to make a Christmas Speech to the SmokingMonkey Commonwealth, though a much simpler one than Her Majesty the Queen’s!

The good news is that I have a few embryonic post ideas, so when things are a little more settled I’ll be bombarding you with tirades of random crap like a chimp flinging shit in the zoo.

For today though, I thought I would set out the grounding for a future post. I have found, courtesy of ebay, what claims to be a ridiculously cheap website for the sale of besoke suits. I make it clear, this is not an endorsement or a criticism yet. Only time will tell which way the wind will blow, and I am hoping that given the high turnover of readers of this site I could be the making or breaking of this particular site.

While I am determined never to be a slave to fashion, or even a servant to style, I do know what I like clothing wise and what I tend to look good(ish) in. By and large, I look good in suits. This is a bonus considering I spend at least 5 days a week suited and booted for work.

However, it has been a lifelong ambition (well, not lifelong but quite a while) to have a bespoke suit rather than the off the peg items you find in Next or Burtons. While there’s nothing necessarily wrong with these shops, the suits can be a bit samey and lack any elements of personalisation. There are options out there for bespoke suits but sadly they cost massive amounts of cash that I simply can never hope to afford. Therefore, this could be the way forward.

The site in question is BespokeWay which looks like it could be a perfect budget way to have a suit made to measure to your own design specifications. Now obviously I’m not expecting Saville Row quality, and there is a relatively limited selection of colours and materials. However, the design process does let me choose colour, lining, and a lot of little details of my suit. There aren’t many other things I would like to add at this stage so it’s worth a bit of a punt.

There is a risk, and this is based on the feedback on ebay, that I will get a crumpled bundle of  a suit turned into an origami frog. Alternatively it will look like some cheap polyester monstrosity that makes me look like a model in a 1976 Freeman’s Catalogue.

To negate the idea of wasting money, this will also be my Christmas present. The shipping time means that (subject to Royal Mail not going back on strike like petulent toddlers) I will be looking like the Pimp Chimp in time for the festivities. If the suit’s crap though, I will go on a Godzilla-style rampage and you can all watch the live footage of the hostage scenario unfolding on Sky News. Imagine the site of a man with the worst crumpled suit, standing atop Manchester Town Hall, threatening to jump unless someone with a Corby Trouser Press sorts out his waistcoat by noon. It’ll be beautiful.

I can tell that each of you is already dying to know what options I am going for. Well, if all goes to plan I will receive a charcoal grey 3 piece suit with purple lining (well it has to be done). The jacket will be 2 button with peak lapels, external ticket pocket, and opening cuff-buttons; the waistcoat will be 5 button with notch lapels, and 4 pockets; while the trousers will have waist adjusters and no belt loops.

Now I’m off to the bedroom with a tape-measure to note down my dimensions. There’s a first time for everything!

It seems only fair to say that I hope you all got what you wanted from Father Christmas (I refuse to call him Santa). I have had the usual disappointment that I think all people over the age of 22 must have when they spend Christmas with their parents. That’s right, a piss-poor selection of presents.

Why is it that just because you get a proper job, you suddenly become ineligible for imaginative or exciting presents? I mean last year the highlight was a bin for my car.

I will just re-iterate that. To celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, my parents bought me something to put McDonalds cups in when I’m driving. Oh sure it’s practical, and yes my car was verging on Biohazard status… but seriously!!!

So this year, they played it safe with a cheque to be shared between TS and me (and I have made good use of mine by finding something genuinely worth having in the post-Christmas Sales). But what did I have to open on Christmas morning? A selection of plain long-sleeved t-shirts (luckily I don’t have a weak heart), some fudge (quick, i feel faint with the thrill), and… erm… actually that’s pretty much it. Oh, sorry… I also got a bottle of whisky.

In virtually every other respect, a return trip home usually results in my parents ignoring the fact I’m 27, engaged, have a mortgage, and can represent car thieves in the Magistrates Court. No, instead they treat me like i’m 17 and shouldn’t be trusted with scissors! However, when it comes to this time of year (well, Christmas or my birthday, when present quality is inversely proportionate to my age), suddenly my maturity is at the forefront of my parents’ imagination and they think that I am able to get whatever I like on a daily basis.

I can’t complain too much though. Due to a combination of work, family issues, and my usual festive denial that I have any deadline at all for buying presents. I did actually venture into the biggest shopping centre in the North of England in an attempt to buy a PS2 game for my brother. I even went into the ridiculously overcrowded shops to try and buy the sodding thing, but was denied by the lack of interest in Ice Hockey simulations by the masses of Manchester.

As for the folks, well I have got a present idea but it’s an experience (of sorts), so I can’t buy it until I know precisely when they are going to be free to use it. Not really a bad excuse that one!

As for TS… well we’ve not actually got anything for each other yet. She has bought me a couple of books written by a guy called Charlie Brooker (more about him in future posts I think), but other than that we’ve agreed that we need to save as much cash as I can for the Masterplan (again, sorry to be making promises for the future of the blog, but you’ll have to wait for that).

So there you have it. Christmas ’07 has been and gone. And you know what made it even more drab? The fact that the only Bond films shown featured Roger Moore. Next year, I’m dreaming of a Connery Christmas!

Oh well, no point in trying to solve that mystery or it’ll be April by the time I actually do anything useful.

So how is everyone? I was going to call, I swear… I just got called out on an emergency, then when I came back the cat had clawed up the paper with your number on it. So that’s why I’ve not been in touch until now. Honest.

With 2 weeks left until Christmas Day, I am surrounded by Christmas decorations and the trappings of the festive season. Obviously this has nothing to do with me, other than finally giving in to Techno Scouse’s “suggestions” that I should take her to the DIY shop to buy all the stuff. We now have a pleasent metal Father Christmas statue gazing merrily out of the window, and an artificial tree that is dropping more white powder than Amy Whitehouse’ handbag. As I’m sure you all expect, the tree has been decorated with the utmost taste and coordination. This is mainly because the decorations all came in a single pack, but what do you expect?

Anyway, I am proud to announce that this blog has been resurrected. I already have a few ideas for future posts (which is a novelty), and so technically this is more organised than my Christmas shopping. I can even announce a forthcoming Newsletter! That’s right, a regular publication that will feature some stuff when I have thought the idea through a bit more. Excited yet? Good.

If you have any ideas of stuff you’d like to see in the newsletter, or even contributions, then please let me know. As things stand, there’s a strong chance it would get in even if it’s a photo of a cat with a Mr T haircut. Alright, so that’s a brilliant idea and I’ll try to work out a way of making it a regular feature. The point is that any contribution is welcome, even if you’re not confident about it being funny or interesting (Let’s face it, I’m hardly Oscar Wilde).

And so, for now, I will bid you adieu. Fear not True Believers, normal service has been resumed.