Perhaps that just goes to show that if you say something often enough, people (or in this case Google’s army of death robots) will believe it. I’m not actually saying I am the best solicitor, I’m just highlighting the fact that Google will tell you I am. Who am I to contradict Google?

Anyway, I mentioned there was an irony and I wasn’t using the word in the Alanis Morissette way (i.e. prattling on for 3 minutes and 46 seconds and never once coming up with a scenario that is ironic. And by the way, that in itself isn’t an irony, it’s ignorance. There is a very significant difference).

You see, I am a solicitor and I do work in Manchester. It isn’t my firm, as I’m a humble employee. In these times of hardship, and impending doom (see earlier cries for help about Best Value Tendering) it would do the firm, and by extension me, the world of good to get such primo positioning on a search engine without spunking out exhorbitant wads of cash for paid advertising. Clearly my online success is due in no small way to the mighty powers of TechnoScouse and her nimble brain, and so it would be a bonus payday to start marketing her talents on the basis of this also.

The problem, however, is the content of this site. I have my doubts that it would go down to well if I signposted anyone with the power to fire me to such classic features as calling Derek Acorah a fraud, admitting I’d watched episodes of The Hills, or Bap Conkers.

Oh well.

And to make matters worse, I’m not sure that is irony after all. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?

No, probably not.

Clearly the most risky topic of conversation relates to web design. Something I know nothing about, and am happy to maintain this status quo. Therefore when this very site was being formed in the intellectual crucible of TS’ brain (or being sketched out on the padded walls of her cell with crayons), there were a number of aspects that I just agreed to without really comprehending. These included Google Analytics.

If, like me or any normal person, you have no idea what Analytics does, I’ll try to keep the explanation brief. It shows how many people have visited your site, where they live (generally… though I wish I was able to track each and every one of your home addresses down. For nice reasons of course), and how they found your site.

Having looked at this a few times over the last couple of weeks, it’s been very encouraging to see that there were approximately 20-30 people who’d stumbled across this little meaningless jumble of words, and some of them had returned and possibly enjoyed the experience. One of you even posted a comment, which was extremely encouraging and for all my gruff exterior touched me in a way that was not entirely unpleasant.

All was nice, simple, and I’d sort of forgotten about my ability to spy upon you all. Then I was encouraged to have a look today.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED ON WEDNESDAY?????

The graph showing the number of views on a day to day basis has a massive spike for Wednesday 6th May, where no fewer than 240 of you beautiful and intellectually elite people came to the site!

Some of my posts may suggest otherwise, but I do tend to be quite modest and sceptical about people’s desire to read my thoughts. It has therefore become a mystery why I experienced a 1000% increase in visitors on one specific day.

Not to worry though, I won’t let this go to my head, and normal service will be resumed soon… particularly after seeing some of the worst TV programming ever on Sky TV recently. More of that another day though.

I would, however, like to take a moment to comment on the details of visitors to this site. It’s probably unsurprising that the majority of visitors come from the UK (335), followed not very closely by the US with 73.

Surprisingly in joint third, are Germany and Japan. Wilkommen and Konichiwa to you all. The really unexpected results were my determined following in Sweden and Switzerland, as well as Yemen, Qatar, and Bangladesh. What an intercontinental phenomenon I appear to be!

Anyway, enough ego-stroking. It’s time to point out some of the more unusual Google searches that have led people to this site. Now if you are responsible for any of these, I am not mocking you and hope you weren’t too disappointed with what you found. And I swear these are true:

“Beauty in a depressing world”- I’m sure I cheered you up no end!
“How many people play the lottery”- I have no idea, but you ended up reading about Richard Dawkins
“Brian Sewell is shit”- Speaks for itself really
“Celeb tentacle sex”- Now you really have some explaining to do!
“Teens with muffin tops”- You’re even worse than Squidworth above!

Now I’ll be honest- I’m happily amused by these results. Actually, I’m totally overwhelmed! Given that there seems to be some regular (and irregular) visitors to the site, I’d welcome any suggestions or comments you would like to make. Within reason, everything except spam will be posted- including any criticism.

So tell your friends, graffiti the site name on walls… today the Netherlands and Qatar, tomorrow we shall crack Lithuania!