You make it to the office and find that a bad day is getting worse- your meeting has been brought forward, and you go straight in to make a non-existant pitch. With the confident facade beginning to crack, you attempt to marshall your thoughts and hope for the best as you arrange your papers. You can detect at least 3 different bodily fluids on the page, but are more concerned by the fact you’ve either gone blind, or you’ve got a sheet of illegible scrawl. All you can make out are the lines:

“Most Haunted, but so men will watch too”
and
“Daphne, you little tease”

Hazy memories begin to seep into your mind- the taste of a worm at the bottom of a now-empty bottle of Mezcal, performing headstands while watching Cartoon Network… and it hits you like an electric shock. With new found confidence, shoulders back and chest out, you begin your pitch (secretly believing you’re invincible)

“Imagine an episode of Scooby Doo, but without the scruffy hippy, his dog, or that smug blonde prat. Combine it with Most Haunted, and we have greatness in the making!”

At least that’s the only way I can imagine someone coming up with the idea for “Hot Girls in Scary Places”. The title says it all really… or rather it outlines what the plan was. The reality is that the contestants may have the IQ of a squirrel, but that’s where the comparison with glamour models ends. As for the “Scary Places”, well they are just big buildings that are no longer in use so it’s like being the last one in work after your colleagues are in the pub.

So in this week’s thrilling and terrifying episode (thrilling as it gave me something to write about, terrifying because I’m one hour closer to death), 3 cheerleaders armed with torches, blankets, and teddy bears, are taken to an abandoned mental asylum. How do we know it’s a mental asylum? Well the big neon sign outside says so. Their mission: survive 3 deadly and terrifying encounters with the supernatural in order to receive 3 numbers, which form the combination for a safe that contains $10,000 cash.

These tasks by the way are given by some bloke on a TV monitor, who has a face like a melted pig. No make-up or anything, the guy just looks like crap. Anyway, he is the only genuinely creepy aspect of the show because he’s like a weird uncle who REALLY has been looking forward to spending time with kids. There’s something quite unsavoury about a television screen asking 3 college students to do a cheer for him… like Max Headroom at a lapdancing club.

Anyway, task one requires Wannabe Number 1 to go to “the examination room” (Cue Uncle Furtive to drool a little), while the second and third little pigs stay in their slumber-party mode and talk about how scary it all is. Apparently, 70 years ago cruel and unusual experiments were performed on the mentals in the asylum. Now the ghosts of these patients are able to communicate through a “Connector”. Now I’m not going to embarass you ignorant fools who don’t know what a “Connector” is. You know who you are, and frankly I expect some background reading from you so step it up Mr or you’ll be out of here faster than shit from a goose.

A “Connector” converts EVPs (Electronic Voice Phenomena), so we can hear the voices of the retarded-departed. Let’s ignore the fact that if this thing worked as it’s supposed to, we’d probably have heard about first it on the news, or any channel that isn’t E! The words of wisdom from this device (which definitely is communicating with the dead, and not just a walkie-talkie) are limited to “Danger”, before we cut to the other 2 discussing the colour of paint in the “safe room”. Unfortunately, the effect is as if the robot from Lost in Space has just seen a stray dog running down the street and wants everyone to be scared! In any event, the task actually turns out to have nothing to do with the robotic voice, but actually requires the bimbo to pull different levers until a scrap of paper drops out with the numbers on it. Spooky!

So back to sanctuary, for something to add credibility to this farce. That’s right, time for a medium to come in and explain what the spirits are revealing about the 3 muskahounds. I won’t bore you with the details, especially as I could predict them from seeing the short clips of them just chatting amongst themselves. Perhaps I’m psychic… perhaps the medium is talking toss. You decide.

The third task was to experience the presence of a spectral doctor (I swear I’m not making this up), by wearing some sort of helmet. One of the other bints was there taking notes to chronocle the experience. There was nothing at all more than general suggestions of feeling cold and scared, before Dr Evil appeared on a TV and gave them a task of finding a scrap of paper with another digit on it, that was hidden in some cold porridge.

It would be cruel of me to spoil the suspense of whether or not the trio did survive the night, and whether they got their money-shot. What I will say is that it was like watching an episode of Pat Sharpe’s Funhouse, with poorer production values, and Derek Acorah’s less convincing auntie. Whoever thought of it must have had a fetish for Daphne from Scooby Doo buried in their subconscious.

Could have been worse though. It could have been Velma.