Clearly the most risky topic of conversation relates to web design. Something I know nothing about, and am happy to maintain this status quo. Therefore when this very site was being formed in the intellectual crucible of TS’ brain (or being sketched out on the padded walls of her cell with crayons), there were a number of aspects that I just agreed to without really comprehending. These included Google Analytics.

If, like me or any normal person, you have no idea what Analytics does, I’ll try to keep the explanation brief. It shows how many people have visited your site, where they live (generally… though I wish I was able to track each and every one of your home addresses down. For nice reasons of course), and how they found your site.

Having looked at this a few times over the last couple of weeks, it’s been very encouraging to see that there were approximately 20-30 people who’d stumbled across this little meaningless jumble of words, and some of them had returned and possibly enjoyed the experience. One of you even posted a comment, which was extremely encouraging and for all my gruff exterior touched me in a way that was not entirely unpleasant.

All was nice, simple, and I’d sort of forgotten about my ability to spy upon you all. Then I was encouraged to have a look today.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED ON WEDNESDAY?????

The graph showing the number of views on a day to day basis has a massive spike for Wednesday 6th May, where no fewer than 240 of you beautiful and intellectually elite people came to the site!

Some of my posts may suggest otherwise, but I do tend to be quite modest and sceptical about people’s desire to read my thoughts. It has therefore become a mystery why I experienced a 1000% increase in visitors on one specific day.

Not to worry though, I won’t let this go to my head, and normal service will be resumed soon… particularly after seeing some of the worst TV programming ever on Sky TV recently. More of that another day though.

I would, however, like to take a moment to comment on the details of visitors to this site. It’s probably unsurprising that the majority of visitors come from the UK (335), followed not very closely by the US with 73.

Surprisingly in joint third, are Germany and Japan. Wilkommen and Konichiwa to you all. The really unexpected results were my determined following in Sweden and Switzerland, as well as Yemen, Qatar, and Bangladesh. What an intercontinental phenomenon I appear to be!

Anyway, enough ego-stroking. It’s time to point out some of the more unusual Google searches that have led people to this site. Now if you are responsible for any of these, I am not mocking you and hope you weren’t too disappointed with what you found. And I swear these are true:

“Beauty in a depressing world”- I’m sure I cheered you up no end!
“How many people play the lottery”- I have no idea, but you ended up reading about Richard Dawkins
“Brian Sewell is shit”- Speaks for itself really
“Celeb tentacle sex”- Now you really have some explaining to do!
“Teens with muffin tops”- You’re even worse than Squidworth above!

Now I’ll be honest- I’m happily amused by these results. Actually, I’m totally overwhelmed! Given that there seems to be some regular (and irregular) visitors to the site, I’d welcome any suggestions or comments you would like to make. Within reason, everything except spam will be posted- including any criticism.

So tell your friends, graffiti the site name on walls… today the Netherlands and Qatar, tomorrow we shall crack Lithuania!

I write this having just had the pleasure of a trip to Borders in Leicester. After the joys of Starbucks and looking through the magazines, I started to just wonder why they had such a dazzling array of magazines for the discrening gentleman. That’s right… why does a huge book-shop have such a variety of jazz-mags? (nb. i mean magazines with non-biodegradable bap action, rather than magazines about jazz… they are on a different shelf)

 Most of the times I ever buy anything in Borders (as opposed to the times I go and just read stuff before leaving it in innappropriate shelves), there is always a spectacular queue to pay the well meaning goth freak girl. I just can’t imagine they have many punters who go in and pick up the latest copy of Perfect 10 or Playboy’s Girls of Summer before lining up patiently before laying their chosen periodical on the counter. Maybe I’m wrong… never having bought such a magazine, I really wouldn’t know.

 What worries me though, is the prospect of someone like me, who will pick something up, take it to Starbucks, and have a quick flick through (so to speak) while drinking an overpriced cup of coffee. I now just have terrifying visions of a bloke in his early 30s, goatee beard, career in IT (think the owner of the comic book store in the Simpsons), sitting down with a fwapachino and browsing through the Penthouse review of the year. Does he wait to see if anything flicks his switch before deciding whether to splash out on the magazine (excuse the phrasing)? If nothing raises his interest, does he go and leave it amongst the bridal magazines to cause mild distress to the bride-to-be’s mother?

 Who can say. And before I am questioned about my knowledge of such publications, I hasten to point out that they are placed along with Loaded and GQ above the place where the Chap Magazine is kept. If I wanted to look at things like that, i am reliably informed that my fiance’s computer has a vast library catering to every taste known to man or octopus.

 I think that about sums it up for now. In addition to any ramblings that crop up in future, I plan on giving you (dear reader) the outsider’s guide to Leicester, and some background information about me, my better third, and our jovial lives.

 I’ll also be correcting the spelling, punctuation, and grammar.

Farewell for now, gentle reader.