You may mock, and you may scoff. I just have scoffed as a matter of fact, a substantial amount of Chinese food but that’s not relevant right now. How can you deny the science behind astrology? How can anyone question the concept of 1/12 of the population of the whole planet having an identical day purely based on which month they were born in. You fucking nay-sayers, always nay-saying. Just open your mind. Next you’ll be saying that mediums are talking toss as well, and that Derek Acorah is a fraud.

Oh, wait… I do say that, don’t I?  Never mind. This is different.

To explain, each month I shall do a detailed prediction and analysis of the star charts for the relevant star sign. Hence this month Libra has the benefit of my galactic insight. All other readers will have to make do with snapshots of what the stars have revealed to me.

Of course for a very reasonable fee, I’ll be happy to give detailed predictions for anyone who is interested. Post a comment with how much you’re willing to pay to know the future (nb: results may vary from predictions. This is only because you have read the predictions, and adjusted your actions accordingly. It’s a space-time paradox. Watch the whole Back to the Future trilogy and you’ll understand.)

And without further ado, I present The Future:

Libra:This month will pose you a number of challenges and seem to skimp on the rewards. Rest assured that the cosmic balance shall even itself out, especially once Neptune has ended its polka through the constellation of Herman the Hyena.

Half way through the month you may find guidance from an unexpected but unquestionable source. Or you may not find it around that time, in which case you deserve all you get from not looking at this website frequently enough. I’m only trying to help, so don’t come crying to me if you were too busy looking for less fortifying material on the internet. And no, it’s not normal to be aroused by videos of women knitting. Get some help you freak.

Anyway, the Mystical Smoking Monkey is not here to judge. I do in any event, but that’s not why I’m here.

Autumnal equinoxes always bring out the soothsayer in me, and this month I have studied the entrails of a squirrel who foolishly ran out in front of the car while storing food for the winter. The message of this alone is clear- stop fiddling with your nuts when you should be paying attention to the traffic.

Examinations of Tufty’s gizzards also suggest that you wil need to invest in hiring a carpet shampoo machine due to a visit from a family member with no stomach for Absinthe. It would also be a good idea to invest in some air freshener as you appear to be runnin low.

Towards the end of the month, you will need to start to plan for a number of financial outgoings. The influence of Tarka the Otter on Mercury means that you should delay these decisions however. The people you were going to buy for don’t actually like you, and they were not going to get you anything in return. You’d be better off buying yourself a nice new teapot and some loose leaf Lapsang Souchong.

In summary, stop naval gazing and reflecting on where you are or what you are doing with your life. Instead take guidance from someone you’ve never met, but who writes in an italic fountain pen. You will know them when you see them.

Quick-fire predictions:

Most likely to be arrested for: attempting to impersonate a glove puppet at a primary school
Drink to avoid: soya milk, and the people who drink it
Lucky hat: the bowler
Weapon to select if challenged to a duel: blowgun and curare-tipped dart
Aura colour: purple
Cause of death: over-zealous happy slap incident by 17 marauding badgers on amphetamine
Lucky bar snack: scampi fries
Pub quiz answer that could win you amazing cash prizes: Word Up, by Cameo (1986)
Unlucky TV programme: Crimewatch
Downfall: gravity, combined with the mistaken belief that your coat is just like Batman’s cape
Astrological allergies: Nitrogen, low fat spreads, and your own eyebrows.

Scorpio: Love is in the air. Not for you, but for your best friend who will then realise that you’re a loser and completely ignore you from now on.

Sagittarius: You will go on a blind date, only to find out your date is actually blind. Being one to make the most of any situation, you try all sorts of shameful actions,  safe in the knowledge that you’ll never be identified. Result.

Capricorn: You celebrate a rare triumph on Monday, when you win a coin-toss for the first time in your life.

Aquarius: Devastation on Sunday when your entire Tupperware collection is struck by lightening.

Pisces: Wednesday will not begin well, when your paperboy has a heart attack. Such a tragic loss at the age of 12, but he was a tubby little bastard. You manage to extract your copy of Heat from his hands, and then focus on retarded celebrities while ignoring the corpse on your doorstep.

Aries: Thursday brings relief when the police confirm that no charges are being brought. Sadly this means you wasted a lot of money on a new identity, and paying a deposit on a caravan in Rio.

Taurus: You will develop a clinical addiction to chestnuts, that will drain your finances faster going to an auction while drunk. And if your name is Bono, you will have the piss ripped out of you by a small but influential blogging website.

Gemini: The influence of Jupiter on you would suggest that it’d be safer all round to just spend Tuesday in a bunker at least 15 feet under ground. It’s better you don’t know why, but say goodbye to any family pets.

Cancer: Fame and celebrity will come calling after you are discovered in a celebrity orgy. This will be followed by crippling embarassment when it’s disclosed that the other participants were the Chuckle Brothers. Cries of “To me, to you” will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Leo: Friday night will end in disaster when a badly constructed fajita unfolds, and coats your shirt with salsa.

Virgo: That rash will clear up in time for the big date, but the stars regret they can’t do anything about your ears.