This week, I am proud to be reviewing the Mail on Sunday. By way of introduction, its probably fair to say that the Mail tends to have a pro-Conservative/anti-Labour flavour… all with fervent support of what makes Britain Great (and loathing for anything that could in any way undermine it).

My favourite story of the day has to be: “The pups of war” What more could your average Mail reader want on a Sunday, but a detailed account of how good old British Tommys are taking time out from battling the terrors of the Taliban, to look after puppies? I am no animal hater, but it is a little frustrating that the British seem to give more of a toss about dogs than their fellow man. Perhaps that’s the reason why I have a pet snake… the very notion seems to repel some of the sort of people I have no wish to know!

Having just scrolled to the end of this lengthy piece to try and work out who the frigging author was, I was faced with this surreal preview to the next part in the piece: “NEXT WEEK: The Army engineer panicked and shot the gentle giant dead. Now I wanted to kill him.” I have to be honest… there’s a good chance I’ll look into this again to find out what the hell happened next!

If you do read this article though, please make sure you check out the comments at the end. I swear I didn’t post these!

- “You guys are what ‘we’ are all about. Thank you my friend! Bob Baillie, Southampton” [Just what's this "we" business... I can't help but feel that this is some veiled reference to the difference between jolly old Britannia, as opposed to those Taliban johnnies!]

- “What a wonderful but heartbreaking story. I do wish the media would report more on beautiful stories like this one! What an amazing man. Poppy, Lindon” [Anyone else agree with Poppy, that the media shouldn't focus on all those depressing Afghan civilian deaths and that whole dreary War on Terror, and instead focus on this Bravo Two Zero/Spot's First Christmas hybrid? Anyone?]

- “Best story in the paper today [no argument here!]…..Well done daily mail. better than reading about two and a 1/2 billion going to Russian crooks and Bottler giving another two billion to the banks. etc etc- Roge Wheeler, Mexico” [Now hold on a minute Roge, if that is your real name... why are you reading a newspaper if you aren't interested in current affairs, and just want to read saccharine bilge about fwuffy puppies?]

Right, I think it’s best to move onto another story before I feel the urge to go and punt a pooch simply to anger these numbskulls.

Moving on, let’s bask in the warming glow of anger directed at the BBC’s relocation package I find this just generally amusing, as it’s fairly standard for large companies to offer financial assistance when employees are relocating. The real beauty if the annoyance of “The TaxPayers’ Alliance (who) described the package as ‘a slap in the face to the ordinary taxpayer forced to subsidise such generosity when they are facing the consequences of hard economic times.’

Now hold on for just a second… firstly, who the chuff are the “Taxpayers’ Alliance?” As a taxpayer myself, when was this set up and where the hell was my invitation. Secondly, from a strictly grammatical perspective (foolish me for thinking a national newspaper would be correct on these points) is this really an alliance that belongs to taxpayers? Then finally, what does it have to do with them anyway? The license fee is not actually a tax, so you have about as much right to comment on this as you do about the presence of gherkins in a Big Mac!

Sadly there have been no comments on this story, as I was waiting for some herbert from Bedfordshire to make some snooty comment about the price of fabrics in the Northlands. Sadly I’m disappointed. Just shows though… if there’s no puppies, you just don’t care.

Speaking of puppies… if you fancy ogling surgically crafted sag-bags, have a look at the News of the Screws’ journalistic masterpiece on Kerry Katona. She now has tits like Evan Davies’ eyes.

So that’s about all the news that the Mail sees fit to print. It seems to have totally ignored anything outside the shores of dear old Blighty, and has made absolutely NO reference to the ceasefire between Hamas and those wacky fun-loving Israelis. Well let’s face it. The only way a paper can report that is to show compassion for innocent arabs who’ve been disproportionately twatted by the IDF… which flies in the face of all this paper holds dear!

All told… you’d get more hardhitting journalism in Bella!

Well, it’s a slow Saturday- the day that God decreed that men without kids should loaf around the house all day, reading the paper and drinking tea. For the record, all went well with that rule, until the Devil invented Ikea and shopping, thus damning such men to a life of infernal torment as penetance for having girlfriends.

That’s by-the-by however. i think it only right to share another little news review with you dear readers. And yet again, I will start with the pinacle of British Journalism: The Sun

There are 2 fantastic wildlife stories to begin with. The first is the capture of a 7 metre long python in India, who has eaten 11 guard dogs in an orchard. As a snake lover myself, I quite like the idea of an 11 stone python slowly picking off the dogs. I doubt he really needed the dogs to guard the place, if he had a snake that big there.

The next animal tail is slightly less jolly. Poor little colobus monkey Sokojoo has been abandoned by its mother in a Cornwall zoo, because it has the hiccups.

Anyway, enough of that. The main story in the paper today is about “Paedo number 2″ to avoid a prison sentence because of overcrowding in jails across the land. Obviously, The Sun is outraged by this, and reading the article you would think that the Government and the judges were pimping kids to sex offenders up and down the length of the country.

I quote “But other judges were accused of being opportunist and using Reid’s plea to jail only the worst-case criminals as an excuse to go SOFT on other menaces to society.” This is, frankly, bollocks. Having had the experience of a range of judges (including the legendary Judge Fish in Minshull Street, Manchester, described by the Sun as the most lenient judge ever by the tabloids last year), I can offer first hand assurances to everyone that Judges are well aware of their duty to society. An illustration of this- if you or I were to be arrested having supplied a single wrap of heroin to an undercover police officer (street value 10 quid), you would be bloody fortunate if you got a prson sentence of less than 3 years. That is the level of punishment that anyone supplying Class A drugs will receive, even for a first offence. Does that sound soft?

The 2 “paedo” defendants who have supposedly avoided custody were both actually convicted of posessing indecent images of a child on their computers. I know this is a criminal offence, and I do understand the impact it has had on the unfortunate children who were victimised and photgraphed. However, neither of the men has directly harmed a child, nor do they present an immediate risk to the public.

Moreover, both defendants received suspended prison sentences. This means that if they fail to cooperate fully with the Probation Service (gobshites that they are), they will be back in Court and their prison sentences can be activated. For a period of 18 months, each of these men is at risk of being sent to prison for 6 months. Their sentences can also become active if they commit a further offence, no matter how minor. Considering one of these men claims that the pictures were on his computer when he bought it (a claim backed up by his wife), I think this sentence is actually appropriate.

The blame can’t easily be placed at the Government’s door either. Much as I would love to blame them, considering how they have brutally f*cked the legal aid system in the last year, Labour has actually created 20,000 prison places since it took over from the dirty Tory Party. The downside is that Labour have also created hundreds of new criminal offences (ironically enough including posession of indecent images of a minor), which has led to these places being filled as fast as they have been created. Yes more prisons are needed, as are more hospitals, more schools, more staff for every institution, and more money for criminal defence solicitors… but let’s just have the full picture before we kick off.

Of course we also had the typical comments from neighbours of the most recent offender to get a suspended sentence. One woman was worried “he could look through my window and see my son.” Seriously, if he was that much of a risk that he would see your kid and try and leap through the window, he would be inside prison. And I also think that his wife would have checked with Social Services to check it was ok for their young son to live in the same house as him. Do the comments of these people remind anyone else of Brass Eye? Have a look at this link to see what I mean. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brass_Eye#2001_paedophilia_special

Another neighbour says (presumably while looking for her pitchfork and arranging a lynch-mob) “What more serious offence can there be than paedophilia? It ruins a child’s life. It’s worrying he could be wandering around and looking at my child and others in the street. I want signs and photos of him and to put them around the area. People need to be aware of the risk.”

Perhaps the Sun is a little bit outraged at the moment because of someone who didn’t get a suspended prison sentence. Royal Editor of the News of the Screws… sorry, News of the World (the Sun’s sister paper)… will be spending 4 months in Her Majesty’s prison service, after he intercepted mobile phone calls from Prince Charles and his staff [which reminds me, I need to rant about the Royals at some point]. There is something pleasing about journalists going to prison for reporting on stuff that no-one really gives a toss about. Maybe it’s just me.

In other news, Jade Goodey is (rather sensibly) avoiding speaking to Herfordshire Police following the allegations of racial bullying. Is this really an “international incident”? Surely around the world, there are marginally more significant issues than some jumped-up eejit demonstrating how ignorant she is. As an ashamedly middle-class white bloke who has never really had to deal with any issue like this, I am not sure what to make of it. I find myself thinking that it falls just short of racism… and is in fact just showing how stupid and brainless Jade, Jo, and Danielle really are. i freely admit I may be wrong, and if there are any British-Asians who feel differently, please let me know. However, my opinion is that it just shows the level of ignorance that sadly exists in the country.

Changing subject yet again, St Bono of Dublin has apparently tried to put pressure on Tony Blair about aid to Africa, and trying to ensure that the promises are met. I am a huge U2 fan, and I do think it’s good to see a musician trying to use his fame for a greater purpose than getting shagged. Unfortunately, I have to admit that Bono is becoming a parody of himself. If things continue at this rate, I will have to start “Bono Aid” in a few years. This will involve another cover-version of Do they know it’s Christmas, and a plea for donations to help purchase a crane and diving team to help extract him from his own arse.

Luckily though, we have the ultimate tabloid story today. How do we know it meets such high standards? Simple… it involves the word “bonking.” A nurse has been struck off the professional register after having sex… sorry, for “bonking TWO patients.”

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never genuinely used that word… it’s too much like being part of a Benny Hill sketch.

Anyway… this nurse got a warning after the first incident, then 2 years later, she went and did it again. Crazy. Apparently, she sent the bloke rude texts, called him, and had sex with him on several occasions. The chief  of the Nursing and Midwifery Counsil said “The only sanction to protect the public is to remove her from the register.

Thank God that the public are now protected. My heart goes out to the poor bloke who was clearly abused by this nurse… each and every time he shagged her. If it was such an issue for him that he reported it, why did he go along with it???

Well, that’s about it I think.

And so, I thought I would give a little look at what’s in the papers. It will give our non-UK cousins a chance to get a flavour of the Nation that spawned an empire. In light of this grand aspiration, it is only proper that I use the finest daily publication as my source of news. I speak of course of The Sun:

Starting on a cultural high point, the paper has very patriotically commemorated 300 years of the Treaty of Union between England and Scotland by showcasing “our countries’ gorgeous girls.” It makes a proud Briton’s heart swell to know that the treaty that ended centuries of war, and created one of the leading nations is marked in such a way.

Speaking as a Scotsman of sorts (born in Aberdeen, so that’s enough for me), I am slightly let down by the collection of “tartan totty.” I mean is it really the best we can offer to have Sheena Easton, Lulu, and Lorraine Kelly in the top 10?  And I thought Isla Fisher was Australian (though I may be wrong). I haven’t voted in The Sun’s online poll, but I suspect that the Scots may have to take the runner’s up medal in this one. I’m surprised that they didn’t put Wee Jimmy Krankie in for good measure!

OOH!!! My favourite silicon brain-fart is in the news again, and once more it’s courtesy of poor little… ok, poor lardy… Harvey. The good news is that he’s out of hospital. I must have been working or something when the shock admission to hospital was on the news, as I now feel ashamed for not sending him a get well soon card. Apparently, the 4 year old, partially sighted, disabled child suffered majot burns to his leg. How did he get such injuries? he climbed into a bath and turned on a hot tap, scolding himself in the process.

Once again, to avoid any undue suggestion I’m a heartless bastard, i don’t have a go at harvey because of his condition. However, I do wonder about the high standard of care clearly shown by whoever is probably paid to look after the little mite when he’s not being photgraphed for Heat magazine. Indeed, his injuries were made worse by the fact “his rescuer” (no mention of WHO that actually was… interesting) pulled his jeans off and tore the skin off his leg.

Meanwhile, in the Celebrity Big Brother House, the model who’s shagging terry Sheringham had the misfortune of her top falling down to reveal her bra during a task. The funniest thing was a comment on digital spy saying that she must be devastated at the embarassment. I suspect she’ll get over it, probably by doing a topless photo shoot when she rejoins society.

Girls Aloud star Nadine Coyle’s flat was gatecrashed by a gang of cocaine dealers, looking for a safehouse to store their drugs. The only reason I mention this one really is that it gives me a chance to pass on old information I had that one of the girl-group used to shag the dearly departed Manchester gangster Dessie Noonan. It’s probably for my own good that I can’t remember which girl it was (I expect she has rather good libel lawyers to hand), but I have good authority that Noonan (stabbed to death by his crack dealer a couple of years ago) was once a close acquaintance.

The crowning story HAS to be “My Sex Tape Nightmare” by Keeley Hazell. Now, Ms Hazell is a Page 3 girl, and has probably got her baps out more times in the last 12 months than I’ve had pies. Unfortunately for her, an ex-boyfriend has released a 10 minute video of the pair up to something (The Sun is surprisingly sparse on details), together with still images from the tape “to a downmarket newspaper.”

Hold on there… The Sun, scandel-mongering tabloid rag that it is can class another paper as “downmarket”? That’s even more entertaining that Keeley’s quote that “Now I feel I have no dignity left.”

So what lessons can we learn from these stories?

1. Don’t leave toddlers alone where they can scold themselves

2. If you’re a glamour model and have taken a camcorder on holiday to tenerife, think twice about letting the bloke keep the tape the morning after you’ve had a steamy session

3. In tabloid land, everything can be celebrated with a picture of Kelly Brook

God Save The Queen!

By way of contrast, The Times has articles on how screw caps on wine bottles can give the wine a smell of stink bombs, and a short article dedicated to a word that starts with C and rhymes with blunt. High-brow stuff!

Firstly, I will offer a caution and sincere apologies for my current attitude. I am on a major buzz as i have been read by people other than Techno Scouse (Monkeh to some). I have to be honest, and admit I had my doubts that anyone would read this, let alone enjoy it.

Anyway, today’s rant is brought to you by the vacuous chunks of crap that appear to float on the top of the pool of society. I speak of course of the Celebrity culture, documented by the high-class journalism of Heat magazine.

These people are the scabs that drop off pre-fabricated pop groups, or brain-dead slappers who are only known for banging a married footballer. And instead of gently encouraging these unfortunate wasters to get a proper job, what happens? They spend the next 18 months appearing in magazines (usually retelling the same bullshit stories, or being “spotted” in a London club known as a regular haunt for such no-hopers), or appearing on chat shows such as Trisha offering guidance to the unemployed scrubbers who watch.

Ok… so everyone has to do something in life, whether it’s signing on for benefits, smuggling class A drugs, or joining the rest of us in salaried employment. However, when you have the likes of David Beckham (don’t get me started)’s former PA or that one who shagged Sven Goran Erikson, we have people who are only known for being caught having adultarous affairs with people with a modicum of talent.

What example does this create for the otherwise hopeless kids growing up? The media focus on these tossers so much, that kids actually view them as role models! I am not expecting kids to have realistic, or frankly boring, ambitions like becoming a bin-man or an accountant [I hope to God they aren't deluded enough to want to be criminal lawyers either]. Kids should want to do things that are extreme… that stretch their imagination like being a spaceman, an explorer, or a train driver.

Instead, you get a generation of little girls who want to be a Footballer’s Wife. It pains me to say this… but what happened to feminism???

Lads are quite different- when I was at school (ok, I hate myself for how old that one line has made me sound) there were a few who wanted to be footballers. As one who was very aware of my skills on the pitch (i could bring down anyone, and usually make them think twice about ever touching a football again). Now though, they don’t want to play for united for its own sake, they want it for the trappings of obscene wealth.

So let us have a quick look at the “A-list” celebrities I’m on about:

Chantelle Houghton: This genuine nobody inevitably became a celebrity, when she was put into Celebrity Big Brother as a glorified practical joke. Of course, she went on to win the thing, and marry that humourless twat from the Ordinary Boys (one of the most accurate band names ever). She was nothing, did nothing, and has gone onto achieve… NOTHING.

Jordon: She had tits. She had surgery. She then had big tits. She then had more surgery. Guess what, she got bigger tits. Now have i missed something, or has this girl managed to somehow create something from nothing (with the aid of silicon). As with others, she achieved the start of publicity by shagging pop stars and footballers. Somehow, she has become her own industry. Some say that she has engineered it herself, and deserves credit. Underneath it all though, she’s still just a pair of non-biodegradable norks.

-One footnote on Jordon: her son, Harvey. I have sympathy for anyone who has a child with a disability, and I don’t want to sound like I’m taking the piss out of him because of his condition. I mean that. However, Mrs Peter Andre has turned him into yet another method to stay in the glossy magazines by having to talk about his latest difficulty. If you are under so much strain, how is a magazine article and photoshoot going to help? I know how- BY GETTING PAID FOR IT YOU PARASITE. And in those photoshoots, she is always glammed up, tits hanging out while Harvey is sat on his lardy-arse with one eye on the camera and the other on the wall. It’s seen as cruel for circuses to exploit animals for performances, but fine for a bimbo to use a sick child to get pity and payment. Curious.

Jade Goody: She’s thick. So thick, that she tried to get away with saying her recent weight loss was because of her exercise regime (DVD now available, unsurprisingly). Unfortunately, it had more to do with the liposuction she had.

David beckham: yes he can kick a ball, and I suppose he’s not the ugliest bloke on the planet. But at the end of the day, how is that worth so much money? join me in the Beckham Boycott: Do not buy anything that the pillock advertises. The money that he is paid is not exactly needed. it could educate kids in LA, help the homeless or drug addicts… anything but buy that pillock another fleet of cars.

Victoria beckham: Oh just don’t get me started.

Rebecca Loos: Started by shagging a clothes horse. Last noticed wanking off a pig. That’s quite a carer progression.

Pete Doherty: OK- I wanted to like the Libertines. They looked cool- dressed as Napoleonic generals on tour. But try as I might, I just couldn’t get into the music. Then Pete Doperty (for the record, I’ve not read that pun in any of the tabloids. If it suddenly appears, I want everyone to give me the credit, ok?) gets chucked out of the band because he’s a raging smackhead. I don’t have a problem with drug addicts- they pay the mortgage indirectly. This is the problem- anyone other that that pasty-faced prick would have been remanded in custody the second time he was arrested for drug posession while already on ail for the same offence. Instead, because he has the money to go to the Priory Clinic (instant PR payoff), he just goes on reoffending and gets bail every time. And babyshambles are shit.

Princess Diana” She’s dead. She was not murdered, she was in a road traffic accident and turned into a saint courtesy of the Daily Express. Despite the fact she died 10 years ago, she still made it into the top 10 most mentioned celebrities of last year, simply because the Express did at least 2 covers on her a week. And why? because the people of this country somehow believe she was one of us, and represented that which is good about Britain. But let’s just examine this- she was born into one of this country’s many pointless aristocratic families, groomed into the equivalent of an arranged marriage, and then got divorced after both she and Prince Charles (wait for that blog entry) had affairs. And don’t go on about her bloody charity work… do you REALLY think that when she was wearing body armour in Cambodia, there was the SLIGHTEST risk that a landmine would actually blow her cosmetically sculpted nose back to Highgrove? Don’t talk arse.

-Yes it sucks when anyone dies in a crash, and it’s worse if they have kids. However, the media shit-storm at the time was so overblown that Radio Stations just took requests for songs that meant something to the listeners at that emotional time. Radio 1 hung up when i requested “Ding Dong the Witch is Gone” from the Wizard of Oz. Bastards.

If anyone has any other celebs or comments they wish to share, feel free to post them. Or if you don’t agree, post that too… would be fun to have a second opinion!