A few years ago, courtesy of being dragged on painfully lengthy runs by a mate of mine, I was a much more streamlined version of my current corpulant self. However, time (and more significantly a love of fast food and kebabs) have caused my physique to become well wrapped with a few layers of flab. The ultimate humilation has come by virtue of the internet, which informs me that I have a body mass index (BMI) that just slips into the “obese” category. Now, however, it is time to do something about it.

Luckily for someone who’s arse has gradually expanded to try and fill an entire sofa, there are plenty of dvds released in January that are full of minor (and I mean very minor celebrities) showing you how to exercise. Obviously I had more sense than to actually go along with these bits of crap, but I thought I’d share a little bit about the figures we should be aspiring to:

First, let us aim high and slowly sink to the depths. I present Danielle Lloyd. Readers may not be aware of who Ms Lloyd is. Truth be told, I’m not entirely sure what she did to become famous, but last year she was on the ill-fated Celebrity Big Brother, and was possibly the worst of the coven of small minded “racists” who were picking on Shilpa Shetty like vultures on a prize winning cow. Somehow, she managed to avoid the tabloid crucifixion, and unlike Jade Goody didn’t have an effigy burned in the streets of Bombay. When trying to understand why she would escape professionally unharmed, compared to professional pig-dog Jade Goodey, perhaps we should compare the 2.

As opposed to:

Now, I’m not suggesting that the papers would focus attention on someone who had said less offensive things, but was less photogenic… but they REALLY did!

Anyway, Lloyd’s dvd is “…all about having fun whilst giving your body a serious full upper and lower body and cardiovascular workout. Together with the help of personal trainer Steve Rich and celebrity fitness instructor Troy Dureh, this programme has been designed to be fun and energetic but still give you a complete workout. ” To clarify, that means that there is a personal trainer and a fitness instructor who are actually responsible for the workout, but they needed some jumped up bint in lycra to stick on the front cover to appeal to the sweaty Heat-reading huffers who will be deluded into thinking that the model used to look like an orca whale before she started doing a 30 minute aerobic workout once a week.

It’s worth noting that one chunky monkey who did release a dvd after a miraculous weight loss was none other than the moose pictured above… well, the real Jade Goodey at least. Unfortunately for her, she failed to mention the cosmetic surgery that also took place around the time of the reduction in her arse-girth, and inadvertently gave the impression it was all down to her workout dvd. What a mistake to make!

Next, we come to Natalie Cassidy, aka Sonia the frumpy huffer from Eastenders. Now I have been forced to watch Eastenders for the best part of 3 wonderful years with Binky the clown… I mean TS. During that time, I have had to watch this turgid mass of misery slouch round the screen like one of Jabba the Hutt’s sullen teenage nephews. However, it would seem that since leaving the show, Sonia has been unable to afford food, and has lost weight as a result. Unlike danielle Lloyd, at least this celebrity endorsement is made by someone who needed to lose the pounds (says the man inhaling Smarties as he types)

As we can see, she has had some benefits from this workout, and good for her. I hope she lives a longer and happier life as a result. It is quite odd though that she’s morphing into Sarah from Hollyoakes (look it up yourself… I really can’t be arsed finding more photos to titilate you!)

Not to be outdone by their mockney-cockney rivals, the producers of Manchester’s third best export (after Indie Music and mass-marketed MDMA) Coronation Street have pulled out the big guns. Yes, the improbably named Vicky Binns (Molly) has also shed 2 and a half stone as a result of following an easy to follow dvd routine.

This cover also shows the progress made, as if we couldn’t quite imagine that loosing 35 pounds of flab would be a good thing. I particularly like the fixed stare to the left of the picture, like proud citizens earnestly facing the flag in a Soviet propoganda film.

Anyway, that’s probably enough discussion of sweaty celebs in lycra, gyrating passionately on dvd to capture a few more perverts from Google. I took a different approach, on the basis that I am a man and couldn’t give the pope’s scrote about celebrities or aerobics. I spent a small fortune on joining the gym (and a proportionately larger fortune on getting TS a membership as well). Lost over 120 pounds in a single day… now that’s a result!

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