I’m sorry, there is no other explanation. Fact.

On top of this superb example of my advocacy skills, this is the 50th post to be published on the site. There are a few other posts in the mental fermentation tanks, but they are not fully matured or worth putting up yet. Anyway, 50 not out. Can’t complain!

So it tied in quite nicely by allowing me to post (or get TechnoScouse to post) this video. No it’s not me before you ask.. but he looks like he’s been celebrating something nearly as cool as my trial victory! (see bottom of post)

I also thought I would share the words of wisdom that echoed through Smoking Monkey Mansions this morning. I was up trying to find a client’s number (who I will probably refer to in the future as he’s already a total pain in the arse), when I hear this majestic cry eminating from the bedroom:

“Hun… I’ve got a brilliant idea!”

Now this is usually a signal that I am going to need a notebook to write down some of the greatest philosophy since Plato. I was not disappointed

“We should fit solar panels to turtles… they travel round the world in the sun, and then when they die we could use them as batteries.”

I don’t think that really needs much more said.

She then went off on one saying how Mike Shinoda had been in a cupboard in her dream, and romantically played the theme music from Final Fantasy for her.

In return, I am having a healthy breakfast. My definition of healthy being that I am in better condition than the pig that has been sliced, diced, and minced to appear on my plate. Relatively speaking, I’m in perfect health!

First, I must confess that I am now a fully paid up player of this online phenomenon. I received a call from TS one day at work, which simply told me (not asked, told) that after I had picked her up we were off to Gamestation to buy 2 copies of WOW. I was less than enthusiastic, despite the excellent episode of South Park where they play it. I won’t go into details, just try to find it on YouTube or something. Dutifully, I did as told, and £30 later I was then proud owner of 2 copies of the same game (as required) and had taken the brave step of letting TS have my credit card details.

By way of a side note, letting her have my magic numbers has not always been successful. There was the time we ended up with 4 tickets to see War of the Worlds, courtesy of online cinema ticket sales and someone not paying attention. The other instance is even more entertaining. Without going into details, TS was going to set up a website that would make us millions thanks to redirecting people to other sites. Oh I don’t know how it was meant to work, I just try to keep her out of prison. Anyway, part of the site’s title was “Bargain.” The plan may have worked if someone hadn’t missed out the second “a.” This error was only identified after the registration fee for the site (whose name is not suitable for publication whether spelled correctly or not) had gone onto the Mastercard of doom.

Anyway, so on we cracked with installing the bugger. 6 discs of it… which TS managed to install on 2 machines at more or less the same time.

I don’t know enough about the game to give you all an update of all the character races and jobs, so at least that saves a few hours of typing for me. However, any player needs to select whether they will join the goodies (The Alliance, I think), or nasty scumbags called the Horde (again, I think)

I probably don’t need to say which way we both went!

I am now Raskolnicov… an undead rogue. To be honest, considering how little sleep I’ve had since getting the game, that is a fairly good description of how rough I look. TO explain, the name comes from the lead character from Crime and Punishment. He’s a law student, who kills a pawnbroker just to prove to himself that he is superior to other people. Read the book. The only downside is that TS can’t spell it.

So that we can play with each other from the outset (oh stop sniggering at the back), TS also picked undead for her race. However, in an attempt to prove that she’s Florence Nightingale she has become a priest. This means that once again, I have the joy of death by late healing spells!

I have to admit, I’ve really got into the game more than I thought I would. In fact, last night I was so stuck in that I almost took the laptop to bed with me to continue my current quests. I decided against that though… for the sake of my health and the fact I only had 6 hours before i had to get up as well.

Well expect more online highjinx soon kiddies… time to go n kill blue pig-dogs!

And todays subject is something close to my heart… Techno Scouse. However, I am considering renaming her for blog purposes to Nibbler, after the strange small creature with pointy teeth and an appetite for destruction on Futurama. I probably don’t need to say much more to justify that change, other than to explain why TS may not be suitable any more.

We are now in our shiny new flat, and have eventually got broadband internet installed. Oh happy day! Well, TS was keen to get the wireless connection up and running, so she could once again ridfe ostriches and attack goblins with glove puppets on Final Fantasy.  So out comes all the old router equipment (which was a challenge to find in

…sorry, just to interrupt she’s almost knocked the TV overwhile tidying up. Genius…

where was I? oh yes, finding the router was a challenge in itself as certain things were not really packed that strategically.

SO eventually the router is wired up, and the foul mouthed imp is ranting about getting it all sorted. The network is apparently beaming internet godness throughout the flat and all is well apart from the fact that the network is not secured.

And with that, a tirade of language that would offend Roy Chubby Brown pours forth from my usually demure fiance! This is caused by the Beklin website being “f*cking sh*te”, it apparently being impossible to secure the network, and there being no password written down anywhere. To remind you all, TC works in web design, and has in the past worked in product support for internet connection problems.

I, on the other hand, am a dispicable lawyer who only uses the internet to spew forth my opinions on this blog and to but cut-throat razors on ebay.

So guess which one of us calmly points out the fact that it requires the WEP code, which is written down in at least 3 locations that I know of, as well as being saved on TC’s computer.

I won’t explain who was right and who was wrong, as I really wouldn’t want to embarass the little eejit. Needless to say it went very quiet for a few minutes. What a result!

I was representing a client in the police station, and had no idea what he was accused of. He is a friend of one of our “regular” clients, so frankly it could have been anything from hijacking trucks to carrying knives.

So… I turn up at the guy’s house (because clients are always worried they will be remanded and have to arrange for someone to take their car home), and after he has filled a bag with assorted things we are off.

Driving along, I explain that as he has previously been arrested he should tell me what the police have already put to him. This stops him from telling me all about something that he may need to change his account about later on. After a day in the office, the last thing I need is having to get shot of a client because of a professional conduct clash.

[Yes, there are rules of conduct... we're not ACTUALLY scum-sucking maggots who only care about fees and causing misery]

Anyway, en route, the client roots around in his plastic bag and pulls out a few packets of sweets. initially he asks if I’ve got any kids, then says I can have them for the fiance. Funny how other people sometimes equate being with Techno Scouse with looking after a small child. Ok… nothing too dodgy about sweets. So far, so acceptable.

However, he then pulls out half of the L’Oreal Paris Men Expert Range… including Skin Renovator, Hydra Energetic anti-fatigue, and Hydra Energetic anti-dull skin (price about 10 quid each)… and my heart sank as he generously said “pick one of these as a thank you for helping me out today”

Now this was a very kind gesture, and it was the first time in my varied career that i have been faced with this problem. This guy is accused of a crime… and his mate (who I have yet to write about on here) is frankly a professional criminal. It is therefore quite reasonable to be a little suspicious of where these items came from.

Thinking almost as quickly as I was driving, I tried to decline, saying it was very kind of him to offer, but I was really ok thanks. Sadly, he insisted… so I had to pick something. He then said that if I wanted, I could have the other 2 thigns for a fiver as well. This I did manage to decline!

After a brief discussion about what the police wanted to speak to him about, I had pretty much worked out the way forward… now all i needed to know was whether the fella was going to be questioned about the theft of a van or posession of heroin.

Eventually we got to the police station, and after a 30 minute wait we were actually joined by the police officer doing the interview. We were all being very friendly… which from previous experience means nothing, as a police officer can become a complete and utter hemmorhoid when they start the interview tape… and while the client was being booked in, I had a chat with the copper.

I won’t go into too many details… because it’s dull as anything, and it’s all confidential. However, it soon became clear that the interviewing officer had had this job dropped on him like a hot turd, and he just wanted to get it dealt with and out of the way. This is always a good sign, as it means that as long as we dont admit to anything but give a fairly good explanation, the officer will try and get the case NFA’d (no further action).

It turns out that the police had given up on working out who had stolen a van [which, by the way, was nicked when the driver left the engine running and went into a bakery to get a butty... pillock], but wanted a chat with our boy because a bag was recovered from a car and contained 5 wraps of heroin. The client wasnt in the car at the time, and hadn’t been seen anywhere near, but it was his bag (helpfully had an envelope with his name and address in it). The big worry is that 5 wraps could be interpreted as posession with intent to supply. This means that chappy would be facing about 3 years inside. No pressure on me!

Well… the answer was straightforward. Bag was left at someone’s house (friend of a friend), client asked a friend to bring it back, and person or persons unknown must have left the Smack in it. Can’t arrest him for posession- he wasn’t even there. This was the client’s account, so in light of the policeman’s apparent attitude we should be on a winner.

As it turns out, I was spot on. Gave the account, officer really wasn’t in the mood to question it, sorted. If it wasn’t for the ridiculous need for a CPS (Crown Prosecution Service) to double check everything, the police would just drop the whole lot, and no further questions for anyone. I somehow doubt that the CPS lawyers are going to try and charge him with anything… though it would be bloody hilarious if they tried to take it to Court.

So what does all this mean… well, 1 new client for the firm, who was so pleased with how i represented him that he gave me the rest of the [definitely not stolen] L’Oreal stuff as a bonus, and he texted the big boss to say what a great job I’d done, and how I had a great career ahead of me.

That is what I call a result

What was strange, however, was the thing she was actually excited about. On the way home, she turned to me, with big wide-eyed joy and said “Guess what’s happening a week on Thursday?”

Now, obviously I did the usual bloke thing and went through the possible dates I had forgotten. Too early in the year for our anniversary or TS’ birthday… I’m the one sorting out the purchase of the flat, so nothing to do with that. It’s a bloody good job we didn’t play the guessing game, as it would have taken a long time to work it out.

This great highlight, worth 10 days’ anticipation was… Crimewatch is on.

Well, I was overwhelmed.

For anyone not familiar with the programme, Crimewatch is on once a month and features reconstructions and appeals to try and solve various crimes from around the country. I can imagine that each and every one of you is already planning ahead to 9pm next thursday night now!

TS loves the programme. I’m not entirely sure why, if I’m honest. She is often slightly less than enthusiastic about my line of work, so it’s not like she has a massive love for crime. The obvious suggestion, which I no longer suggest in any seriousness, is that she is just keen on catching up with what her friends from Widnes are up to.

Never make suggestions that your lovely scouse fiance knows lots of criminals. Even more importantly, never insinuate that her family are crooks either. It hurts.

For the record, we have never watched Crimewatch and seen a member of TS’ family. She has never looked at CCTV footage of the robbery of a jewellery store 10 miles away from where her family lives. In this non-existant CCTV material, the crook did not look anything like one of her cousins. The perpetretor did not then get away on a motorbike. TS’ cousin does not have a motorbike.

I do hope we have avoided any unfortunate misunderstanding there.

I still don’t get why we have got Crimewatch on the calender. What REALLY confuses me, is why she seemed so much more excited about it than the Alienware. I am sure this will change very soon though, especially when we have perfect graphics for Final Fantasy.

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