Firstly, allow me to make yet another apology for the huge gap since my last post. Yes, I know I’ve actually missed an entire horoscope. I hope each of you did the only sensible thing possible in the circumstance and didn’t leave your house in case destiny was planning to violently offend you the second you stepped through your door.

It was the only option.

Anyway, I have been very busy, very stressed, and much as I enjoy writing for you dear people it would possibly have killed me.

So what is it that has stirred my mind and dragged me away from the unending tide of shite that fills my desk/bag/brain on a daily basis? Well it’s an old thing that I used to explain to people over and over on MSN messageboards when I could be bothered to irritate and undermine the other opinionated tosspots who bothered with those sites.

Last week, a businessman called Munir Hussain received a 30 month sentence for wounding with intent, after he assaulted a man who had burgled his home and tied him and his family up before threatening them with knives. This has caused absolute outrage in the tabloid media, and the Conservatives are now trying to make political capital out of it by saying they would allow homeowners to use anything but “grossly disproportionate” violence against anyone who breaks into someone’s house.

Now let me make one thing clear: I have sympathy with anyone who has their home broken into. Burglary is one of those crimes that always leaves an impression on the victim, as the sanctity of their home has been tainted by the incident. I have been victim to burglary, and know many others who have, so I mean it when I say I can understand the desire to get some form of revenge. But that doesn’t make it right, and it certainly doesn’t make it legal.

Contrary to what the Tory Smugs would have you believe, members of the public are already allowed to use reasonable force (i.e. force that isn’t grossly disproprtionate) to protect themselves and their property. It’s the principal of self defence, and it’s something I have probably explained to dozens of confused clients over the past few years.

The key issues or phrases though are self defence, and reasonable force.

Let me explain. You can use force if you have a genuine and reasonable belief that it is necessary to use force to protect yourself, someone else, or property. However, once you/they/it is no longer at risk, you are no longer defending it. You are retaliating. For example, someone comes at you with a wild look in their eye, and a fist raised. You use your years of ninja training, and deftly knock the assailant to the floor with the skill of a grand master. They are humiliated, and crawl away regretting ever breaking into the home of Chuck Norris’ harder brother. If you then run up behind this person and give them a few more kicks to teach them a lesson, you are not protecting yourself but assaulting them. This is illegal.

So, back to Munir Hussain. He and some of his family got free and chased the burglars off. As the assailants were running away, one got caught and overpowered and attacked. I’ll go into more details below, but I wanted to firstly clarify that Hussain was not defending his property.

Ok, so second point is that force used must be reasonable. Or, of you’re a Tory not “grossly disproportionate”. Actually, if you’re a Tory why are you reading this. You are officially banned. I’m not looking for political censorship, it’s just you seem to be favouring a party with very few actual policies other than those designed to support the massively wealthy, and other pathetic publicity seeking twoddle like the one we’re debating here. So you’re banned from reading this. Bastards.

Sorry, where was I? Ah yes, reasonable force. The best explanation of this I can give is that if we go back to our example before and someone runs towards you with a fist raised, it would be excessive to shoot him in the face with a Dirty Harry-style Magnum (the handgun, not the ice cream). The force you use to protect yourself must be proportionate to the perceived threat against you or your collection of Sylvanian Family beavers.

Now the Courts have made it very clear that if you think you are about to be attacked, you cannot weigh up the precise level of force needed to protect yourself and nothing more. Much of the case law on this point is making it very clear that what matters is what’s reasonable in the circumstances as they appear to the person claiming to defend themselves. That’s pretty accomodating really, and allows for the grey areas that exist in the real world.

What isn’t allowed under the principal of reasonable force is the following: the use of a pole, a hockey stick, and a cricket bat to beat someone so severely that you fracture their skull and cause permanent brain damage. Step forward Mr Hussain, and take a bow. Not only did you attack someone who no longer posed any threat to you, but you absolutely twatted him! (possibly not the terms used in the Judge’s summing up). Again, this is illegal.

I have seen a number of comments and articles referring to the level of provocation that Hussain had suffered as a result of this burglary. Well, yes he clearly was more than a little pissed off by what had happened, and I’m sure that that anger fuelled him as he took a few extra swings with his cricket bat. But provocation is not a defence to assault. I wish it was- my already impressive (hey it’s my site so I’m allowed to blow my own trumpet) record of trial wins would be even better if I could rely on the playground-level defence of “he was asking for it!” At best though, provocation is mitigation. It may put his actions in a proper light, but it doesn’t make them right or lawful.

What’s also significant is that by taking the law into his own hands, Hussain effectively prevented the legal process from dealing with the burglar in the proper way. Due to the level of injury caused in the incident, the burglar was not fit enough to enter a plea to the charge of unlawful imprisonment.

Perhaps I’m just defensive because I am part of the justice sytem and I like to try and justify my own existance. It confuses me though that the press are making such an issue of the fact these men were convicted, considering they  were found guilty after trial by a jury of ordinary citizens (not an “out-of-touch” judge).  Perhaps the sentence of 2 and a half years is a bit much, and I’m sure that the Court of Appeal will be asked to reduce this.

So hopefully I’ve put things across in a reasoned way that will help people to have a better understanding of the way the criminal justice system here in England views these cases. Whether it’s right or wrong is something each person has to consider for themselves. Let me pose a few rhetorical questions though to encourage a bit of reflection:

Do we really want a world where people are allowed (and therefore encouraged) to exact summary justice against an individual who has wronged us?

What if they had got the wrong man, or someone who had looked like the burglar?

What if they had killed him- would the press be sanctioning mob justice and a non-judicial death sentence?

Where do we draw the line if we go down that route? If someone takes a parking space or blocks you in, are you entitled to poke them in the eye or smash their headlights with a crowbar?

One other question though… if anyone can look at the details of Steven Gerard’s trial for affray earlier this year, when he managed to successfully run a self-defence argument, and explain how the whiny scouse gimp got away with it, please let me know. Obviously it’s not the case that a Liverpool Jury would be influenced by the prospect of sending their football club captain to prison, is it? And I’m not saying for a second that it’s remotely improper that the trial Judge and Prosecutor were both fans of Liverpool FC… am I?

Right. Sorry there weren’t many chuckles in this. Will try to rectify that soon, with tales of TechnoScouse or something similarly jovial.

For further reading, please feel free to laugh at the indignation of the Daily Mail readers at the bottom of this handy link. I hate Middle England, mainly becuase I grew up there!

Well, it’s a slow Saturday- the day that God decreed that men without kids should loaf around the house all day, reading the paper and drinking tea. For the record, all went well with that rule, until the Devil invented Ikea and shopping, thus damning such men to a life of infernal torment as penetance for having girlfriends.

That’s by-the-by however. i think it only right to share another little news review with you dear readers. And yet again, I will start with the pinacle of British Journalism: The Sun

There are 2 fantastic wildlife stories to begin with. The first is the capture of a 7 metre long python in India, who has eaten 11 guard dogs in an orchard. As a snake lover myself, I quite like the idea of an 11 stone python slowly picking off the dogs. I doubt he really needed the dogs to guard the place, if he had a snake that big there.

The next animal tail is slightly less jolly. Poor little colobus monkey Sokojoo has been abandoned by its mother in a Cornwall zoo, because it has the hiccups.

Anyway, enough of that. The main story in the paper today is about “Paedo number 2″ to avoid a prison sentence because of overcrowding in jails across the land. Obviously, The Sun is outraged by this, and reading the article you would think that the Government and the judges were pimping kids to sex offenders up and down the length of the country.

I quote “But other judges were accused of being opportunist and using Reid’s plea to jail only the worst-case criminals as an excuse to go SOFT on other menaces to society.” This is, frankly, bollocks. Having had the experience of a range of judges (including the legendary Judge Fish in Minshull Street, Manchester, described by the Sun as the most lenient judge ever by the tabloids last year), I can offer first hand assurances to everyone that Judges are well aware of their duty to society. An illustration of this- if you or I were to be arrested having supplied a single wrap of heroin to an undercover police officer (street value 10 quid), you would be bloody fortunate if you got a prson sentence of less than 3 years. That is the level of punishment that anyone supplying Class A drugs will receive, even for a first offence. Does that sound soft?

The 2 “paedo” defendants who have supposedly avoided custody were both actually convicted of posessing indecent images of a child on their computers. I know this is a criminal offence, and I do understand the impact it has had on the unfortunate children who were victimised and photgraphed. However, neither of the men has directly harmed a child, nor do they present an immediate risk to the public.

Moreover, both defendants received suspended prison sentences. This means that if they fail to cooperate fully with the Probation Service (gobshites that they are), they will be back in Court and their prison sentences can be activated. For a period of 18 months, each of these men is at risk of being sent to prison for 6 months. Their sentences can also become active if they commit a further offence, no matter how minor. Considering one of these men claims that the pictures were on his computer when he bought it (a claim backed up by his wife), I think this sentence is actually appropriate.

The blame can’t easily be placed at the Government’s door either. Much as I would love to blame them, considering how they have brutally f*cked the legal aid system in the last year, Labour has actually created 20,000 prison places since it took over from the dirty Tory Party. The downside is that Labour have also created hundreds of new criminal offences (ironically enough including posession of indecent images of a minor), which has led to these places being filled as fast as they have been created. Yes more prisons are needed, as are more hospitals, more schools, more staff for every institution, and more money for criminal defence solicitors… but let’s just have the full picture before we kick off.

Of course we also had the typical comments from neighbours of the most recent offender to get a suspended sentence. One woman was worried “he could look through my window and see my son.” Seriously, if he was that much of a risk that he would see your kid and try and leap through the window, he would be inside prison. And I also think that his wife would have checked with Social Services to check it was ok for their young son to live in the same house as him. Do the comments of these people remind anyone else of Brass Eye? Have a look at this link to see what I mean. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brass_Eye#2001_paedophilia_special

Another neighbour says (presumably while looking for her pitchfork and arranging a lynch-mob) “What more serious offence can there be than paedophilia? It ruins a child’s life. It’s worrying he could be wandering around and looking at my child and others in the street. I want signs and photos of him and to put them around the area. People need to be aware of the risk.”

Perhaps the Sun is a little bit outraged at the moment because of someone who didn’t get a suspended prison sentence. Royal Editor of the News of the Screws… sorry, News of the World (the Sun’s sister paper)… will be spending 4 months in Her Majesty’s prison service, after he intercepted mobile phone calls from Prince Charles and his staff [which reminds me, I need to rant about the Royals at some point]. There is something pleasing about journalists going to prison for reporting on stuff that no-one really gives a toss about. Maybe it’s just me.

In other news, Jade Goodey is (rather sensibly) avoiding speaking to Herfordshire Police following the allegations of racial bullying. Is this really an “international incident”? Surely around the world, there are marginally more significant issues than some jumped-up eejit demonstrating how ignorant she is. As an ashamedly middle-class white bloke who has never really had to deal with any issue like this, I am not sure what to make of it. I find myself thinking that it falls just short of racism… and is in fact just showing how stupid and brainless Jade, Jo, and Danielle really are. i freely admit I may be wrong, and if there are any British-Asians who feel differently, please let me know. However, my opinion is that it just shows the level of ignorance that sadly exists in the country.

Changing subject yet again, St Bono of Dublin has apparently tried to put pressure on Tony Blair about aid to Africa, and trying to ensure that the promises are met. I am a huge U2 fan, and I do think it’s good to see a musician trying to use his fame for a greater purpose than getting shagged. Unfortunately, I have to admit that Bono is becoming a parody of himself. If things continue at this rate, I will have to start “Bono Aid” in a few years. This will involve another cover-version of Do they know it’s Christmas, and a plea for donations to help purchase a crane and diving team to help extract him from his own arse.

Luckily though, we have the ultimate tabloid story today. How do we know it meets such high standards? Simple… it involves the word “bonking.” A nurse has been struck off the professional register after having sex… sorry, for “bonking TWO patients.”

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never genuinely used that word… it’s too much like being part of a Benny Hill sketch.

Anyway… this nurse got a warning after the first incident, then 2 years later, she went and did it again. Crazy. Apparently, she sent the bloke rude texts, called him, and had sex with him on several occasions. The chief  of the Nursing and Midwifery Counsil said “The only sanction to protect the public is to remove her from the register.

Thank God that the public are now protected. My heart goes out to the poor bloke who was clearly abused by this nurse… each and every time he shagged her. If it was such an issue for him that he reported it, why did he go along with it???

Well, that’s about it I think.

And so, I thought I would give a little look at what’s in the papers. It will give our non-UK cousins a chance to get a flavour of the Nation that spawned an empire. In light of this grand aspiration, it is only proper that I use the finest daily publication as my source of news. I speak of course of The Sun:

Starting on a cultural high point, the paper has very patriotically commemorated 300 years of the Treaty of Union between England and Scotland by showcasing “our countries’ gorgeous girls.” It makes a proud Briton’s heart swell to know that the treaty that ended centuries of war, and created one of the leading nations is marked in such a way.

Speaking as a Scotsman of sorts (born in Aberdeen, so that’s enough for me), I am slightly let down by the collection of “tartan totty.” I mean is it really the best we can offer to have Sheena Easton, Lulu, and Lorraine Kelly in the top 10?  And I thought Isla Fisher was Australian (though I may be wrong). I haven’t voted in The Sun’s online poll, but I suspect that the Scots may have to take the runner’s up medal in this one. I’m surprised that they didn’t put Wee Jimmy Krankie in for good measure!

OOH!!! My favourite silicon brain-fart is in the news again, and once more it’s courtesy of poor little… ok, poor lardy… Harvey. The good news is that he’s out of hospital. I must have been working or something when the shock admission to hospital was on the news, as I now feel ashamed for not sending him a get well soon card. Apparently, the 4 year old, partially sighted, disabled child suffered majot burns to his leg. How did he get such injuries? he climbed into a bath and turned on a hot tap, scolding himself in the process.

Once again, to avoid any undue suggestion I’m a heartless bastard, i don’t have a go at harvey because of his condition. However, I do wonder about the high standard of care clearly shown by whoever is probably paid to look after the little mite when he’s not being photgraphed for Heat magazine. Indeed, his injuries were made worse by the fact “his rescuer” (no mention of WHO that actually was… interesting) pulled his jeans off and tore the skin off his leg.

Meanwhile, in the Celebrity Big Brother House, the model who’s shagging terry Sheringham had the misfortune of her top falling down to reveal her bra during a task. The funniest thing was a comment on digital spy saying that she must be devastated at the embarassment. I suspect she’ll get over it, probably by doing a topless photo shoot when she rejoins society.

Girls Aloud star Nadine Coyle’s flat was gatecrashed by a gang of cocaine dealers, looking for a safehouse to store their drugs. The only reason I mention this one really is that it gives me a chance to pass on old information I had that one of the girl-group used to shag the dearly departed Manchester gangster Dessie Noonan. It’s probably for my own good that I can’t remember which girl it was (I expect she has rather good libel lawyers to hand), but I have good authority that Noonan (stabbed to death by his crack dealer a couple of years ago) was once a close acquaintance.

The crowning story HAS to be “My Sex Tape Nightmare” by Keeley Hazell. Now, Ms Hazell is a Page 3 girl, and has probably got her baps out more times in the last 12 months than I’ve had pies. Unfortunately for her, an ex-boyfriend has released a 10 minute video of the pair up to something (The Sun is surprisingly sparse on details), together with still images from the tape “to a downmarket newspaper.”

Hold on there… The Sun, scandel-mongering tabloid rag that it is can class another paper as “downmarket”? That’s even more entertaining that Keeley’s quote that “Now I feel I have no dignity left.”

So what lessons can we learn from these stories?

1. Don’t leave toddlers alone where they can scold themselves

2. If you’re a glamour model and have taken a camcorder on holiday to tenerife, think twice about letting the bloke keep the tape the morning after you’ve had a steamy session

3. In tabloid land, everything can be celebrated with a picture of Kelly Brook

God Save The Queen!

By way of contrast, The Times has articles on how screw caps on wine bottles can give the wine a smell of stink bombs, and a short article dedicated to a word that starts with C and rhymes with blunt. High-brow stuff!

Firstly, I will offer a caution and sincere apologies for my current attitude. I am on a major buzz as i have been read by people other than Techno Scouse (Monkeh to some). I have to be honest, and admit I had my doubts that anyone would read this, let alone enjoy it.

Anyway, today’s rant is brought to you by the vacuous chunks of crap that appear to float on the top of the pool of society. I speak of course of the Celebrity culture, documented by the high-class journalism of Heat magazine.

These people are the scabs that drop off pre-fabricated pop groups, or brain-dead slappers who are only known for banging a married footballer. And instead of gently encouraging these unfortunate wasters to get a proper job, what happens? They spend the next 18 months appearing in magazines (usually retelling the same bullshit stories, or being “spotted” in a London club known as a regular haunt for such no-hopers), or appearing on chat shows such as Trisha offering guidance to the unemployed scrubbers who watch.

Ok… so everyone has to do something in life, whether it’s signing on for benefits, smuggling class A drugs, or joining the rest of us in salaried employment. However, when you have the likes of David Beckham (don’t get me started)’s former PA or that one who shagged Sven Goran Erikson, we have people who are only known for being caught having adultarous affairs with people with a modicum of talent.

What example does this create for the otherwise hopeless kids growing up? The media focus on these tossers so much, that kids actually view them as role models! I am not expecting kids to have realistic, or frankly boring, ambitions like becoming a bin-man or an accountant [I hope to God they aren't deluded enough to want to be criminal lawyers either]. Kids should want to do things that are extreme… that stretch their imagination like being a spaceman, an explorer, or a train driver.

Instead, you get a generation of little girls who want to be a Footballer’s Wife. It pains me to say this… but what happened to feminism???

Lads are quite different- when I was at school (ok, I hate myself for how old that one line has made me sound) there were a few who wanted to be footballers. As one who was very aware of my skills on the pitch (i could bring down anyone, and usually make them think twice about ever touching a football again). Now though, they don’t want to play for united for its own sake, they want it for the trappings of obscene wealth.

So let us have a quick look at the “A-list” celebrities I’m on about:

Chantelle Houghton: This genuine nobody inevitably became a celebrity, when she was put into Celebrity Big Brother as a glorified practical joke. Of course, she went on to win the thing, and marry that humourless twat from the Ordinary Boys (one of the most accurate band names ever). She was nothing, did nothing, and has gone onto achieve… NOTHING.

Jordon: She had tits. She had surgery. She then had big tits. She then had more surgery. Guess what, she got bigger tits. Now have i missed something, or has this girl managed to somehow create something from nothing (with the aid of silicon). As with others, she achieved the start of publicity by shagging pop stars and footballers. Somehow, she has become her own industry. Some say that she has engineered it herself, and deserves credit. Underneath it all though, she’s still just a pair of non-biodegradable norks.

-One footnote on Jordon: her son, Harvey. I have sympathy for anyone who has a child with a disability, and I don’t want to sound like I’m taking the piss out of him because of his condition. I mean that. However, Mrs Peter Andre has turned him into yet another method to stay in the glossy magazines by having to talk about his latest difficulty. If you are under so much strain, how is a magazine article and photoshoot going to help? I know how- BY GETTING PAID FOR IT YOU PARASITE. And in those photoshoots, she is always glammed up, tits hanging out while Harvey is sat on his lardy-arse with one eye on the camera and the other on the wall. It’s seen as cruel for circuses to exploit animals for performances, but fine for a bimbo to use a sick child to get pity and payment. Curious.

Jade Goody: She’s thick. So thick, that she tried to get away with saying her recent weight loss was because of her exercise regime (DVD now available, unsurprisingly). Unfortunately, it had more to do with the liposuction she had.

David beckham: yes he can kick a ball, and I suppose he’s not the ugliest bloke on the planet. But at the end of the day, how is that worth so much money? join me in the Beckham Boycott: Do not buy anything that the pillock advertises. The money that he is paid is not exactly needed. it could educate kids in LA, help the homeless or drug addicts… anything but buy that pillock another fleet of cars.

Victoria beckham: Oh just don’t get me started.

Rebecca Loos: Started by shagging a clothes horse. Last noticed wanking off a pig. That’s quite a carer progression.

Pete Doherty: OK- I wanted to like the Libertines. They looked cool- dressed as Napoleonic generals on tour. But try as I might, I just couldn’t get into the music. Then Pete Doperty (for the record, I’ve not read that pun in any of the tabloids. If it suddenly appears, I want everyone to give me the credit, ok?) gets chucked out of the band because he’s a raging smackhead. I don’t have a problem with drug addicts- they pay the mortgage indirectly. This is the problem- anyone other that that pasty-faced prick would have been remanded in custody the second time he was arrested for drug posession while already on ail for the same offence. Instead, because he has the money to go to the Priory Clinic (instant PR payoff), he just goes on reoffending and gets bail every time. And babyshambles are shit.

Princess Diana” She’s dead. She was not murdered, she was in a road traffic accident and turned into a saint courtesy of the Daily Express. Despite the fact she died 10 years ago, she still made it into the top 10 most mentioned celebrities of last year, simply because the Express did at least 2 covers on her a week. And why? because the people of this country somehow believe she was one of us, and represented that which is good about Britain. But let’s just examine this- she was born into one of this country’s many pointless aristocratic families, groomed into the equivalent of an arranged marriage, and then got divorced after both she and Prince Charles (wait for that blog entry) had affairs. And don’t go on about her bloody charity work… do you REALLY think that when she was wearing body armour in Cambodia, there was the SLIGHTEST risk that a landmine would actually blow her cosmetically sculpted nose back to Highgrove? Don’t talk arse.

-Yes it sucks when anyone dies in a crash, and it’s worse if they have kids. However, the media shit-storm at the time was so overblown that Radio Stations just took requests for songs that meant something to the listeners at that emotional time. Radio 1 hung up when i requested “Ding Dong the Witch is Gone” from the Wizard of Oz. Bastards.

If anyone has any other celebs or comments they wish to share, feel free to post them. Or if you don’t agree, post that too… would be fun to have a second opinion!