Ok, so I will try and do some detailed proper posts soon as i feel like mouthing off a bit about drugs and Government. Let’s face it, the internet and wider world have been on pause waiting for me to pass comment on the new world of British politics. Fear not brave readers, I will provide a definitive appraisal of this all when I get my arse in gear.

I am also going to be working on a new blog site, dedicated to my professional life. This means that I can divide my writing between legal ramblings, and the mature correspondence such as my Um Bongo observations.

I may even make it mandatory that I have to post at least once a week… but we’ll see about that for now.

Clearly the most risky topic of conversation relates to web design. Something I know nothing about, and am happy to maintain this status quo. Therefore when this very site was being formed in the intellectual crucible of TS’ brain (or being sketched out on the padded walls of her cell with crayons), there were a number of aspects that I just agreed to without really comprehending. These included Google Analytics.

If, like me or any normal person, you have no idea what Analytics does, I’ll try to keep the explanation brief. It shows how many people have visited your site, where they live (generally… though I wish I was able to track each and every one of your home addresses down. For nice reasons of course), and how they found your site.

Having looked at this a few times over the last couple of weeks, it’s been very encouraging to see that there were approximately 20-30 people who’d stumbled across this little meaningless jumble of words, and some of them had returned and possibly enjoyed the experience. One of you even posted a comment, which was extremely encouraging and for all my gruff exterior touched me in a way that was not entirely unpleasant.

All was nice, simple, and I’d sort of forgotten about my ability to spy upon you all. Then I was encouraged to have a look today.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED ON WEDNESDAY?????

The graph showing the number of views on a day to day basis has a massive spike for Wednesday 6th May, where no fewer than 240 of you beautiful and intellectually elite people came to the site!

Some of my posts may suggest otherwise, but I do tend to be quite modest and sceptical about people’s desire to read my thoughts. It has therefore become a mystery why I experienced a 1000% increase in visitors on one specific day.

Not to worry though, I won’t let this go to my head, and normal service will be resumed soon… particularly after seeing some of the worst TV programming ever on Sky TV recently. More of that another day though.

I would, however, like to take a moment to comment on the details of visitors to this site. It’s probably unsurprising that the majority of visitors come from the UK (335), followed not very closely by the US with 73.

Surprisingly in joint third, are Germany and Japan. Wilkommen and Konichiwa to you all. The really unexpected results were my determined following in Sweden and Switzerland, as well as Yemen, Qatar, and Bangladesh. What an intercontinental phenomenon I appear to be!

Anyway, enough ego-stroking. It’s time to point out some of the more unusual Google searches that have led people to this site. Now if you are responsible for any of these, I am not mocking you and hope you weren’t too disappointed with what you found. And I swear these are true:

“Beauty in a depressing world”- I’m sure I cheered you up no end!
“How many people play the lottery”- I have no idea, but you ended up reading about Richard Dawkins
“Brian Sewell is shit”- Speaks for itself really
“Celeb tentacle sex”- Now you really have some explaining to do!
“Teens with muffin tops”- You’re even worse than Squidworth above!

Now I’ll be honest- I’m happily amused by these results. Actually, I’m totally overwhelmed! Given that there seems to be some regular (and irregular) visitors to the site, I’d welcome any suggestions or comments you would like to make. Within reason, everything except spam will be posted- including any criticism.

So tell your friends, graffiti the site name on walls… today the Netherlands and Qatar, tomorrow we shall crack Lithuania!

Both TS and I are both quite encouraged, and more than a little confused, by an external site that has linked to that post. It’s good to know that somehow I have tapped into the Adult Entertainment market, although I suspect we’re likely to get more traffic from them than they are from our little community of conviviality!

Anyway… I’m off to find a subject for my next little feature, and then to think of ways to make it visible on Google when people search for smut!

Crafty, don’t you think?

So what better subject for this Blue Monday than a little background on everyone’s favourite redhead from liverpool [no, not Cilla Black... come on, no-one can genuinely stand that whining mare]. Well, at the time of writing, TS is 21 years old and approximately 3’2″. I can safely say these things, as she is busy playing Final Fantasy online (pretending to be a hybrid of Bernie Clifton and Paul Daniels for those who have enjoyed that post), so she cannot kick me for fear of knocking her laptop onto the floor.

In quite an unusual set of circumstances, I met TS online. I was off work with whiplash (wahaay) following a car wreck [the other git was at fault, and I am STILL awaiting my compensation]. I therefore had nothing else to do but sign on to a dating website and try to find a genuine and normal person. I half managed.

In the meantime, in a distant business park near Warrington, an overweight munter was looking for men who believe that vampires are real. Said freakshow was trying to find fresh meat that she could torment and probably slow-roast.

Luckily for me, the Queen of the Damned had a little friend who had some free time due to a cancelled meeting. She was then dared to send me a message (as my picture was suitably modified to make me look interesting). One thing led to another… which led to me spending ludicrous amounts of time online before I met a certain pocket-cutey in Yates’ Wine Bar, Piccadilly Station, Manchester. To date there are no plans to put a blue plaque up to commemorate the location, but I may start a petition on here.

The rest is history… and has involved various jobs, flats, and some spectacular nights of heavy drinking. She may be the size of Yoda, but this girl can put Malibu away like a Merchant Seaman.

By way of adding further embarassment, you should hear the random stuff she comes out with when legless. The most romantic thing ever had to be when (talking about me going back to my flat) she explained “I miss you… like a moose… misses another moose… when it’s very… far away”

The written word can’t quite capture the slight slur of the words… or the hand gesture that somehow was meant to add gravitas to the declaration.

Sadly, the following morning brings a hangover and amnesia for the little tyke, which led me to take notes for future reference. I am hoping that our forthcoming move will allow me to relocate this mighty tome, for your reading pleasure.

Other than alcohol, TS enjoys the musical efforts of Linkin Park, watching the bloke with the harp on the Jameson’s advert… and the blonde bloke on the Coca-Cola Zero advert… and Johnny Depp (you get the picture), as well as any meal that comprises a large quantityof chicken.

She dislikes wine/grapes/raisins on the grounds that they may kill her, being called Techno Scouse (but don’t let that put you off), and watching adverts for The Last King of Scotland.

I should give some explanation to the origins of the name Techno Scouse I suppose. Obviously, part of it comes from her Liverpudlian origins. However, instead of the standard scally criminal activity of nicking hub caps and trashing bus-stops, she got into the wonderful world of the internet.

For the avoidance of any doubt, I am not saying she got into internet crime. I just mean she uses the net a lot, and now works as a web designer for a wonderful company in Coventry. She has never tried to hack into a website. Ever. She has never been cautioned by the police either, unlike her half-sister (which will certainly come as a surprise to the half-sister, if she ever gets arrested for anything and discovers a secret history)

Anyway… one day I was chatting about her to a barrister friend of mine, and we just decided to celebrate her non-criminal computer profiency, and her non-criminal mersey-ness, the name techno Scouse was appropriate. And with that, a simple alias for the benefit of a Blog was born!

However, I am afraid that is all I have time for tonight ladies and gentlemen, as I have work to do and a lovely lady to hug.

Today I would like to share a little information about one of Techno Scouse’s favourite past-times. Don’t get your hopes up, I am not allowed to tell you all about her life as a burlesque performer, or how the act involves fire-eating, sequins, and usually several members of the audience passing out through exhaustion. Sorry… but my life’s at stake!

Instead, I will discuss the online game Final Fantasy XI. For thos who have no idea what this is, it is basically a role-playing game (not that kind… filthy reader!) where you have a character that goes on all sorts of “exciting” quests, kills goblins, and interacts with other freaks… i mean players from around the globe.

Characters come from the following different races:

Hume- unsurprisingly, these are human types. Mostly sporting the sort of hair styles not seen since First Division football stars of the 1980s. Long live the Mullet. The male players aren’t much better either. However, you CAN have a rather dashing player, with a shaved head, goatee beard, and big tattoo on his noggin. I opted to make my character look like this.

Elves- These ones look almost human, though their arms and legs seem disproportionaely long, and they have poity ears. and bad haircuts (this is a common feature for all races, so I won’t mention them again). Again, Elven can be male or female.

Galka- these are the bruisers of the game. They look like they could happily stop a small family car in its tracks and eat the inhabitants. They have a fine line of facial hair (sadly you can only have male Galka, as I bet the females are stunners!), and have names like Sweaty Mammoth or Brokeback Mountain.

Mithra- Frankly, these ones are just a little unsettling. This female-only race has a feline look to it… so little kitten ears, tail etc. The worrying thing is that the animation for these seems to automatically make them do failry suggestive poses. They will be sat on a set of steps, and it’s vaguely reminiscent of Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. Also, the armour/clothing somehow is more revealing than you’d expect- which surely makes it less protective in battle. For advanced players, who use the site www.ffxidats.com (and frankly EVERYONE should have a look at the pure beauty and quality of the design for that site) seem to enjoy making even MORE revealing clothing for Mithra. If you’ve ever wondered what a humanoid cat would look like in bondage gear, perhaps this is the game for you.

Just as a record, if there is anyone reading this blog who is interested in that sort of thing, can they leave a response at the bottom… just so we can all know? Thanks

Taru-taru- So gormless they named them twice. These little jobbies look a little bit like Mogwai in chainmail. They are meant to be extra magical, but are only about 3 feet tall. Think of Paul Daniels covered in Fuzzy Felt, and you get the idea. Techno Scouse’s character is a Taru. I wonder if she somehow felt an affinity to them (by which i mean that TS is magical. not that she’s short). However, having played the game (yes, I confess it), Taru are bloody irritating. They talk in this kind of baby-language, referring to moggy-woggys etc. Seriously… why would anyone think that is a smart thing for them to do???

Once you have chosen the race of your character, you pick a job. Frankly, life is too short for me to go through the different options, so I will pick out a couple in particular to outline:

Mage- these come in a variety of colours… white/black/red/blue. If you want to know more about the difference, get out more. They do magic, and make lots of lights flash on your screen. This makes them handy in battles and power-cuts

Warriors- Again, there are different types of damage-dealers, and they are handy at waving big choppers around. I wish I could make a sound effect play at this point, of Sydney James laughing from a Carry On film. I think it would be quite fitting.

Summoners- Right… these are the ones I want to mention in more detail. Summoners are great apparently. Techno Scouse is one of these, and a very good one for that matter (she didn’t even make me say that either). What they do is summon (hence the name) some kind of animal to come and fight the battle for you. You then tell the little beastie what to do, and it dies trying. This may not make much sense, so I have found the perfect illustration, which I hope will appear here

That’s right… the summoner is essentially Matthew Corbett, summoning the mighty magical power of Sooty to defeat an Orcish Bumlicker!

The wonderful world of Final Fantasy involves several different cities. Look em up yourself if you care . To get from one city to another you can walk (which takes forever and you run the risk of dying), taking the airship… which looks like a boat with helicopter propellers, or you can ride a chocobo. This is a bit like riding a horse, it’s faster than walking, and looks like it’ll give you a sore arse (insert punchline here). The key difference between horse and chocobo (other than one of them exists and the other is made up by a japanese programme designer) is that Chocobos are birds.

They look EXACTLY like this:

That’s right… ths internationally enjoyed game seems to have taken an idea from legendary 1980s light entertainer Bernie Clifton! What next… the Diddy-men a race of tax-evading Scousers with daft hair who attack the enemy with tickling sticks? Genius!

As I originally stated, Techno Scouse [note how I am mentioning her name as much as possible... she really loves it when her workmates call her by it, but she may pretend that she doesn't like it.] plays this game pretty much all the time. Sadly, that means that she will stay up til about 4 in the morning, to get some spandex jockstrap or sequined tiara on some quest, just so her little character has better equipment. She then usually wakes me up to tell me of her triumph. I never seem to share her joy.

One of TC’s other jobs in game is a White Mage. These are meant to be good magic bods who specialise in healing/strengthening themselves, their friends and anyone else they run into if they like the cut of their gib. When I started playing the game, I was told “Don’t worry, I’ll power level you” This means she would follow me along, I could kick off with oversized sheep and kill them, getting lots of experience points, while she kept me alive.

Sadly, she seemes to have learned the art of healing from the likes of Dr harold Shipman and Dr Crippen. I will hear the magic words “I’m just going to look for a notorious monster”, and then my character’s laying flat on his face as a huge wasps pisses on my corpse. It’s almost a standing joke that if I die less than 3 times in a night, she’s done a good job!

So… the moral of today’s post is that if you want to be a freakisah creature, dressed in bondage gear, and want to ride a pretend ostrich until you get killed by a sheep, Final Fantasy could be the best way to lose an evening