… I was impressed by the originality of an idea in the new Celebrity Big Brother series.

It’s like admitting addiction to heroin… having to publicly state something that flies in the face of everything that society expects!

Rather than risk yet another catastrophe involving small minded, e-list celebrity flotsom acting like ignorant pieces of rat-shit, this year the housemates aren’t really celebrities. Some (including me) would say this isn’t much of a change, as most contestants over the last few years have been vacuous non-entities that are unheard of before they drop their arses live on Channel 4. At least this year C4 has pre-empted this criticism by deliberately picking “up and coming” people from the world of sport, politics, music, and… erm… the circus.

The real fun comes through the “hijacking” of the show by actual celebrities (or at least people that I have heard of). This works by the day’s celebrity taking the role of Big Brother, and essentially playing the role of puppet master in this televised dolls’ house. I am genuinely looking forward to Brian Sewell taking the reigns, which he will do according to something I read somewhere (there’s a reliable source for you people!). Sewell, by way of explanation, is an English art critic who has the most ridiculous accent you’ll ever hear. It manages to go beyond that of Loyd Grossman, and I can only describe it as an upper class interpretation of Dick Van Dyke’s cockney codswallop in Mary Poppins- it is that exaggerated!

We’re still in the early stages, as it only began last night. If it all turns to shite before your very eyes, don’t come crying to me. Yesterday’s Hijacker was Matt Lucas- the round/bald/gay comedian from Shooting Stars and Little Britain fame. In a masterstroke of television, he gave the first housemate to enter the house a challenge. John, the big ginger happy Scottish political activist, had to wear a stereotypical tartan hat to hide an earpiece. Through this earpiece, Lucas gave John instructions on how to act in front of each new housemate as they entered the place in turn.

TS and I only caught this half way through, but it was great to see the faces of men being approached by this big, smiling ginger loon, who would give them an unsolicited back rubs. The confusion that gradually spread as John had to go up to each of them in turn and say the word “cake”, before just nodding and walking away. All of a sudden, it was like having an out of body experience… that is the sort of random behaviour that I have grown used to from TS, but there it was happening to other people in an intentionally bizarre scenario. I actually checked TS’ ears last night to try and see if she’s been controlled by some unseen camp celebrity. Unfortunately I couldn’t find any receivers, so any voices must just be inside her pretty little head. Oh well.

Anyway, what was I on about? Oh yes, John had to satisfy his invisible manipulator in order to win a party for the rest of the house, and a free pass to the grand final for himself. Without wanting to ruin the surprise (not that there is any) for you dear readers, he passed the test thanks to successfully collapsing to the floor as if shot, and holding his leg while complaining of spontaneous cramp. Well done to him!

So there we have it. Hell has frozen over, and I have written positive things about an episode of Big Brother. However, normal service will be restored.

Smoking Monkey will return in: A Review of Celebrity Fitness Videos (working title)

ps… it has been pointed out that apparently we know Liam. By this, I mean that TS knows him from back in the ghetto of Widnes. He’s not a web designer/entrepreneur as he claims… though I got lost in TS’ ramblings and so can’t give any more information. If I remember, I’ll let you all know

Well, it’s a slow Saturday- the day that God decreed that men without kids should loaf around the house all day, reading the paper and drinking tea. For the record, all went well with that rule, until the Devil invented Ikea and shopping, thus damning such men to a life of infernal torment as penetance for having girlfriends.

That’s by-the-by however. i think it only right to share another little news review with you dear readers. And yet again, I will start with the pinacle of British Journalism: The Sun

There are 2 fantastic wildlife stories to begin with. The first is the capture of a 7 metre long python in India, who has eaten 11 guard dogs in an orchard. As a snake lover myself, I quite like the idea of an 11 stone python slowly picking off the dogs. I doubt he really needed the dogs to guard the place, if he had a snake that big there.

The next animal tail is slightly less jolly. Poor little colobus monkey Sokojoo has been abandoned by its mother in a Cornwall zoo, because it has the hiccups.

Anyway, enough of that. The main story in the paper today is about “Paedo number 2″ to avoid a prison sentence because of overcrowding in jails across the land. Obviously, The Sun is outraged by this, and reading the article you would think that the Government and the judges were pimping kids to sex offenders up and down the length of the country.

I quote “But other judges were accused of being opportunist and using Reid’s plea to jail only the worst-case criminals as an excuse to go SOFT on other menaces to society.” This is, frankly, bollocks. Having had the experience of a range of judges (including the legendary Judge Fish in Minshull Street, Manchester, described by the Sun as the most lenient judge ever by the tabloids last year), I can offer first hand assurances to everyone that Judges are well aware of their duty to society. An illustration of this- if you or I were to be arrested having supplied a single wrap of heroin to an undercover police officer (street value 10 quid), you would be bloody fortunate if you got a prson sentence of less than 3 years. That is the level of punishment that anyone supplying Class A drugs will receive, even for a first offence. Does that sound soft?

The 2 “paedo” defendants who have supposedly avoided custody were both actually convicted of posessing indecent images of a child on their computers. I know this is a criminal offence, and I do understand the impact it has had on the unfortunate children who were victimised and photgraphed. However, neither of the men has directly harmed a child, nor do they present an immediate risk to the public.

Moreover, both defendants received suspended prison sentences. This means that if they fail to cooperate fully with the Probation Service (gobshites that they are), they will be back in Court and their prison sentences can be activated. For a period of 18 months, each of these men is at risk of being sent to prison for 6 months. Their sentences can also become active if they commit a further offence, no matter how minor. Considering one of these men claims that the pictures were on his computer when he bought it (a claim backed up by his wife), I think this sentence is actually appropriate.

The blame can’t easily be placed at the Government’s door either. Much as I would love to blame them, considering how they have brutally f*cked the legal aid system in the last year, Labour has actually created 20,000 prison places since it took over from the dirty Tory Party. The downside is that Labour have also created hundreds of new criminal offences (ironically enough including posession of indecent images of a minor), which has led to these places being filled as fast as they have been created. Yes more prisons are needed, as are more hospitals, more schools, more staff for every institution, and more money for criminal defence solicitors… but let’s just have the full picture before we kick off.

Of course we also had the typical comments from neighbours of the most recent offender to get a suspended sentence. One woman was worried “he could look through my window and see my son.” Seriously, if he was that much of a risk that he would see your kid and try and leap through the window, he would be inside prison. And I also think that his wife would have checked with Social Services to check it was ok for their young son to live in the same house as him. Do the comments of these people remind anyone else of Brass Eye? Have a look at this link to see what I mean. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brass_Eye#2001_paedophilia_special

Another neighbour says (presumably while looking for her pitchfork and arranging a lynch-mob) “What more serious offence can there be than paedophilia? It ruins a child’s life. It’s worrying he could be wandering around and looking at my child and others in the street. I want signs and photos of him and to put them around the area. People need to be aware of the risk.”

Perhaps the Sun is a little bit outraged at the moment because of someone who didn’t get a suspended prison sentence. Royal Editor of the News of the Screws… sorry, News of the World (the Sun’s sister paper)… will be spending 4 months in Her Majesty’s prison service, after he intercepted mobile phone calls from Prince Charles and his staff [which reminds me, I need to rant about the Royals at some point]. There is something pleasing about journalists going to prison for reporting on stuff that no-one really gives a toss about. Maybe it’s just me.

In other news, Jade Goodey is (rather sensibly) avoiding speaking to Herfordshire Police following the allegations of racial bullying. Is this really an “international incident”? Surely around the world, there are marginally more significant issues than some jumped-up eejit demonstrating how ignorant she is. As an ashamedly middle-class white bloke who has never really had to deal with any issue like this, I am not sure what to make of it. I find myself thinking that it falls just short of racism… and is in fact just showing how stupid and brainless Jade, Jo, and Danielle really are. i freely admit I may be wrong, and if there are any British-Asians who feel differently, please let me know. However, my opinion is that it just shows the level of ignorance that sadly exists in the country.

Changing subject yet again, St Bono of Dublin has apparently tried to put pressure on Tony Blair about aid to Africa, and trying to ensure that the promises are met. I am a huge U2 fan, and I do think it’s good to see a musician trying to use his fame for a greater purpose than getting shagged. Unfortunately, I have to admit that Bono is becoming a parody of himself. If things continue at this rate, I will have to start “Bono Aid” in a few years. This will involve another cover-version of Do they know it’s Christmas, and a plea for donations to help purchase a crane and diving team to help extract him from his own arse.

Luckily though, we have the ultimate tabloid story today. How do we know it meets such high standards? Simple… it involves the word “bonking.” A nurse has been struck off the professional register after having sex… sorry, for “bonking TWO patients.”

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never genuinely used that word… it’s too much like being part of a Benny Hill sketch.

Anyway… this nurse got a warning after the first incident, then 2 years later, she went and did it again. Crazy. Apparently, she sent the bloke rude texts, called him, and had sex with him on several occasions. The chief  of the Nursing and Midwifery Counsil said “The only sanction to protect the public is to remove her from the register.

Thank God that the public are now protected. My heart goes out to the poor bloke who was clearly abused by this nurse… each and every time he shagged her. If it was such an issue for him that he reported it, why did he go along with it???

Well, that’s about it I think.

Firstly, I will offer a caution and sincere apologies for my current attitude. I am on a major buzz as i have been read by people other than Techno Scouse (Monkeh to some). I have to be honest, and admit I had my doubts that anyone would read this, let alone enjoy it.

Anyway, today’s rant is brought to you by the vacuous chunks of crap that appear to float on the top of the pool of society. I speak of course of the Celebrity culture, documented by the high-class journalism of Heat magazine.

These people are the scabs that drop off pre-fabricated pop groups, or brain-dead slappers who are only known for banging a married footballer. And instead of gently encouraging these unfortunate wasters to get a proper job, what happens? They spend the next 18 months appearing in magazines (usually retelling the same bullshit stories, or being “spotted” in a London club known as a regular haunt for such no-hopers), or appearing on chat shows such as Trisha offering guidance to the unemployed scrubbers who watch.

Ok… so everyone has to do something in life, whether it’s signing on for benefits, smuggling class A drugs, or joining the rest of us in salaried employment. However, when you have the likes of David Beckham (don’t get me started)’s former PA or that one who shagged Sven Goran Erikson, we have people who are only known for being caught having adultarous affairs with people with a modicum of talent.

What example does this create for the otherwise hopeless kids growing up? The media focus on these tossers so much, that kids actually view them as role models! I am not expecting kids to have realistic, or frankly boring, ambitions like becoming a bin-man or an accountant [I hope to God they aren't deluded enough to want to be criminal lawyers either]. Kids should want to do things that are extreme… that stretch their imagination like being a spaceman, an explorer, or a train driver.

Instead, you get a generation of little girls who want to be a Footballer’s Wife. It pains me to say this… but what happened to feminism???

Lads are quite different- when I was at school (ok, I hate myself for how old that one line has made me sound) there were a few who wanted to be footballers. As one who was very aware of my skills on the pitch (i could bring down anyone, and usually make them think twice about ever touching a football again). Now though, they don’t want to play for united for its own sake, they want it for the trappings of obscene wealth.

So let us have a quick look at the “A-list” celebrities I’m on about:

Chantelle Houghton: This genuine nobody inevitably became a celebrity, when she was put into Celebrity Big Brother as a glorified practical joke. Of course, she went on to win the thing, and marry that humourless twat from the Ordinary Boys (one of the most accurate band names ever). She was nothing, did nothing, and has gone onto achieve… NOTHING.

Jordon: She had tits. She had surgery. She then had big tits. She then had more surgery. Guess what, she got bigger tits. Now have i missed something, or has this girl managed to somehow create something from nothing (with the aid of silicon). As with others, she achieved the start of publicity by shagging pop stars and footballers. Somehow, she has become her own industry. Some say that she has engineered it herself, and deserves credit. Underneath it all though, she’s still just a pair of non-biodegradable norks.

-One footnote on Jordon: her son, Harvey. I have sympathy for anyone who has a child with a disability, and I don’t want to sound like I’m taking the piss out of him because of his condition. I mean that. However, Mrs Peter Andre has turned him into yet another method to stay in the glossy magazines by having to talk about his latest difficulty. If you are under so much strain, how is a magazine article and photoshoot going to help? I know how- BY GETTING PAID FOR IT YOU PARASITE. And in those photoshoots, she is always glammed up, tits hanging out while Harvey is sat on his lardy-arse with one eye on the camera and the other on the wall. It’s seen as cruel for circuses to exploit animals for performances, but fine for a bimbo to use a sick child to get pity and payment. Curious.

Jade Goody: She’s thick. So thick, that she tried to get away with saying her recent weight loss was because of her exercise regime (DVD now available, unsurprisingly). Unfortunately, it had more to do with the liposuction she had.

David beckham: yes he can kick a ball, and I suppose he’s not the ugliest bloke on the planet. But at the end of the day, how is that worth so much money? join me in the Beckham Boycott: Do not buy anything that the pillock advertises. The money that he is paid is not exactly needed. it could educate kids in LA, help the homeless or drug addicts… anything but buy that pillock another fleet of cars.

Victoria beckham: Oh just don’t get me started.

Rebecca Loos: Started by shagging a clothes horse. Last noticed wanking off a pig. That’s quite a carer progression.

Pete Doherty: OK- I wanted to like the Libertines. They looked cool- dressed as Napoleonic generals on tour. But try as I might, I just couldn’t get into the music. Then Pete Doperty (for the record, I’ve not read that pun in any of the tabloids. If it suddenly appears, I want everyone to give me the credit, ok?) gets chucked out of the band because he’s a raging smackhead. I don’t have a problem with drug addicts- they pay the mortgage indirectly. This is the problem- anyone other that that pasty-faced prick would have been remanded in custody the second time he was arrested for drug posession while already on ail for the same offence. Instead, because he has the money to go to the Priory Clinic (instant PR payoff), he just goes on reoffending and gets bail every time. And babyshambles are shit.

Princess Diana” She’s dead. She was not murdered, she was in a road traffic accident and turned into a saint courtesy of the Daily Express. Despite the fact she died 10 years ago, she still made it into the top 10 most mentioned celebrities of last year, simply because the Express did at least 2 covers on her a week. And why? because the people of this country somehow believe she was one of us, and represented that which is good about Britain. But let’s just examine this- she was born into one of this country’s many pointless aristocratic families, groomed into the equivalent of an arranged marriage, and then got divorced after both she and Prince Charles (wait for that blog entry) had affairs. And don’t go on about her bloody charity work… do you REALLY think that when she was wearing body armour in Cambodia, there was the SLIGHTEST risk that a landmine would actually blow her cosmetically sculpted nose back to Highgrove? Don’t talk arse.

-Yes it sucks when anyone dies in a crash, and it’s worse if they have kids. However, the media shit-storm at the time was so overblown that Radio Stations just took requests for songs that meant something to the listeners at that emotional time. Radio 1 hung up when i requested “Ding Dong the Witch is Gone” from the Wizard of Oz. Bastards.

If anyone has any other celebs or comments they wish to share, feel free to post them. Or if you don’t agree, post that too… would be fun to have a second opinion!