The Um Bongo Call To Arms!
This is progress?
It all becomes clear. All those tree-hugging-hippy-anarchist-wannabe-tosspots who smash up windows in anti-capitalist demonstrations might actually be onto something. I have seen the devastating impact corporations are having on Third World countries first hand, and it makes me sick to my stomach. It’s like taking the blue pill and waking up from the Matrix.
Which sick bastard changed Um Bongo?
For those who may not know about Um Bongo, allow me to explain. Or even better, watch the video below and allow Youtube to explain more eloquantly than I ever could. I don’t think it’s sold outside the UK, but I make no apologies for sounding parochial.
Um Bongo is more than simply a juice drink, and it’s not simply nostalgia either. It was a perfectly blended cocktail of apricots, guavas, mangos, passion fruits, and mandarins. It was also a rare employment opportunity for the diverse wildlife of hippos, pythons, marmosets, and parrots.
And when you mixed it with Blavod (black vodka), it created an astounding colour/taste sensation.
But imagine my horror when the other day TechnoScouse returned from a supermarket that doesn’t deserve naming, to find that my memories of childhood have been pillaged by the adulterated felch-juice now being called Um Bongo!
This picture of a serving suggestion from wikipedia would be perfect if it was the old stuff with it’s charming packaging (painted by parrots remember), and contained what afficionadoes refer to as “the good shit.” As it is, look at the poxy, human-designed carton and recoil in horror at the rancid spluff that is contained therein:
I mean that orangutan (a primate that lives in Sumatra in Asia, as opposed to the Congo in Africa) looks like it’s been given rohypnol and has had those fruit items mercilessly inserted into it’s furry pocket of happiness!
And what fruits are they? Orange, pineapple, and banana. Vile. I loathe bananas. They are the staple food of geriatrics and monkeys who don’t smoke. You can’t get a smoothie half the time (and I don’t even bother trying 90% of the time) which doesn’t have a banana rammed into it like a hooker dating a grocer. Just look at a banana with fresh eyes. They look like the fetid todger of a jaundiced clown. And I’d imagine the taste isn’t far off either. Yet some absolute shithawk had to dip his into the juicebox.
Hanging’s too good for some people.
And so it is time to act. We must take to the streets to spread the word on this dispicable outrage. The people walk in darkness, unaware that there are hippos out of work, watching Trisha (well, the Congo equivalent), and living a hollow existance. Pythons used to have a job for life in the passion fruit picking plantations, now they spend all day smacked of their tits listening to Libertines records. As for the poor parrot, well life as an artist is always tough and regrettably they all died out recreating the absinthe excesses of Toulouse Lautrec.
It’s no wonder the Democratic Republic of Congo fell into civil war. That’s not just because they have French as their official language you know (though the risk was increased because of this).
Don’t be fooled by any other campaign to Bring Back Um Bongo. If you see these pages, you’ll discover that they are actually being done by the producer of the new filth itself! Clicking on www.umbongo.com will actually take you to the petition. They lure you in with their old-chool images, but they still have that abused ape on their boxes. You can’t trust anyone these days.
So, I need you dear readers to suggest ways to reclaim what is rightfully ours. If anyone has anything we can use to blackmail heads of state to put international pressure on these bastards, let me know. That’s the level of action we’ll need to overcome the corporations on this.
To arms Comrades! You have nothing to lose but your cordials!
Ey Up,
I’m the sick bastard you refer to, congratulations on an EXCELLENT piece!
I’d love to hear from you…I got calls from Robert Mugabe, Vladamir Putin and The Nolan Sisters after you posted this…you certainly got my attention.
Ah, so my nemesis reveals himself.
I must confess I expected more of a fight to identify you. While flattery about the quality of my piece is always welcome, I shall not call off the dogs. Sorry, it’s a little harsh to call the Nolan’s that.
However, the contrition shown by acknowledging that you are the said “sick bastard” will afford you some mercy when the inglorious revolution catches up to you. This may simply mean you get a blindfold when you’re before the firing squad, or perhaps you can atone for your sins by spreading the Gospel of the Smoking Monkey.
Smoking Monkey i’m guessing that you’re getting to old to embrace change! The new Um Bongo that Mr Short purports to have blended, is superb! (although i agree that the packaging is poor). My children love it, and it mixes rather well with Bacardi.
I urge you to take another taste Monkey boy.
“Too old to embrace change”?
I’m endorsing absolute revolution. I think that may involve an element of change!
What I can not condone is completely changing the contents and nature of the drink, but still using the original name. Relying on previous goodwill and publicity of a fine product, but changing 100% of the fruits used in the drink is bordering on dishonesty. If I released a line of toys for children and called them Care Bears, but instead of the cuddly toys of times gone by, they were now aerosol cans filled with viral anthrax, would you still be suggesting I should embrace change? I think not sir!
And nothing justifies the use of bananas. Ever. If I enjoyed such tastes, I would establish a business of felching geriatrics.
I accept though, that some people do like bananas. I try not to associate with them, but like left-handed people they walk amongst us unidentified. They (currently) have their freedom to engage in such depravation. As my one and only concession, perhaps Um Bongo should bring back the proper drink, and then re-name their current vile offering. I have a few suggestions on the new name, but doubt they’d be accepted!
Well now, faced with nicotine chewing primates carrying AK47s, I may well opt for that blindfold.
Fynnzo, thanks very much for the feedback, although being a responsible Juicer I urge you not to make your kids a Rum Bongo just yet (although I have to say it’s much more appealing than alcopops).
OK chaps…how do I keep you both happy? The 100% Juice Drinks is for the kiddies, cos being a Dad myself I don’t believe in filling them full of additives, HOWEVER, as you’ve seen from Face Book, there is a growing number of juice monkeys out there who are calling me all sorts of expletives cos it’s not the original recipes….Hmmmm…Ok, how about we bring out an “Original” Um Bongo to sit alongside the 100% Juice one? We are turning over every leaf in the jungle to find the original formula but I give you my solemn pledge, I won’t return from The Congo without it!! Ok, we need some new design too…I’ll speak to my sicko corporatist agency about that.
Smoking Monkey, in the spirit of free enterprise (cos I know you’re a closet capitalist) I wish you well in your new business venture of felching geriatrics. I’d trade mark it soon as I’m pretty sure I once came across a web site of the same name (or maybe not, we have a pretty strict internet appropriate usage rule book in Corporatesville).
Anyway my friends, thank you for your input…stand back and prepare to be part of Um Bongo history!!
PS. Coleen and Linda say “hi”
Long time reader first time poster.
After watching this Um Bongo related post unravel, curiosity had the better of me and I too bought a pack of the new Um Bongo. Nick what have you done! For shame!
This does not mix well with any of my usual alcoholic preferences. I have tried Vodka, Rum, Tia Maria (wish I hadn’t) and Gin. I was left huddled in a corner cradling my Vimto!
How do you expect my children to learn how to binge drink now? Surely you cant expect them to drink Cider!? For the sake of the children bring the original back!
Hehe much love x
It’s astounding that given some of the topics I’ve rambled about on here, it’s Um Bongo that has caused the greatest response.
Nick- I think together we should receive the Nobel Peace Prize for resolving this issue with the minimum number of casualties possible. It’s certainly put the Cola Wars of the ’80s into perspective! The only sensible option is to have both flavours. That way the banana deviants are satisfied. More importantly though, the righteous folk who rely on the original blend to ensure they get their 5 portions of fruit a day in a single alcoholic drink can safely fend off scurvy and other diseases.
Sarah- many thanks for your comment. When the Revolution takes control, you shall be awarded a medal for injuries sustained in the name of the Republic. Um Bongo and Tia Maria… good Christ woman, that was brave!
And on the issue of packaging for the new/old flavour… I can think of a certain simian face that would appeal to young and old alike. Just scroll to the top of the page, and I’m sure you’ll agree that my picture is perfect for every market going.
Imagine the Smoking Monkey, looking out at each one of you from the supermarket shelves. Did anyone else just get a tingle? Thought so.
Nicks desire for the drink to be 100% juice is indeed a commendable one. I think there is plenty of room for two 100% Um Bongos, one with the new concoction and one with the original fruits (without the polystyrene ceiling tiles, pork heads and beetle gizzards the 80s recipe no-doubt included).
Sales figures will tell you which is the best.
I have not tried the new version. Unlike the Smoking Monkey I quite like bananas however my body does not as I am visciously allergic to them. I once went to the doctor and commented on how bananas make my pee hurty and he suggested that maybe I was sticking them in the wrong hole.
Good on you SM for raising this important issue and good on you Nick for not hiding away in your corporate tower and instead listening to the people, however strange.
PS, the Innocent Smoothy people recently brought out a banana-free smoothy after people asked for it (I believe banana allergies are relatively common). It’s quite pleasant but far too expensive for a plebian like me to quaff on a regular basis.
Thanks Baj.
What interests me most is that even a doctor associates bananas with improper insertion into body orifices! That suggests that medical science is only confirming what I have suspected for so long: Bananas are for wrong ‘uns!
Top use of the word plebian also. I will endeavour to include that in my next post, so stay tuned!
**********CAN I PLEASE MAKE IT CLEAR******************
Libbys are bring back the original um bongo drink THIS YEAR. It will be branded as “UM BONGO Topical” Alas it will have the new packaging. it been in preparations for the past 18months, since everyone complained about it since 2003.
In 2003 it had to get changed because it had to much sugar ( even if it was Fruits sugars ) this lead to a re-banding of the cartons.
You can EVEN phone the company and speak to the umbongo office and there will tell you there are bring back the original um bongo as um bongo topical, there just making sure it tastes right.
Facebook group/ NEW website was only really use to get people attention, which it has done so, Thus Libbys have already done want people have asked for.
why original um bongo website was never update in 2003 No idea, I dare say there just forgot! there own website libby is never been updated in years either
have been out of the uk for five years and one of the things have been dreaming about was um bongo. was so so so happy to find it on my first trip to sainsburys so so so disappointed when i took my first sip. PLEASE bring back the original um bongo.
This new Um Bongo is SHITTTTTTTT!! It tastes just like a banana smoothie!! I was so happy to see it in the supermarket i bought 4 packs of the pissing things and there awful! Bring back Libbys all the way!!
erghhh erghh erghhhhhh!!!! Bring back the original all the way and make me re-live my childhood again!!
I knew my memory wasn’t failing me, it does taste different. Terribly different, and generally terrible. TERRIBLE!
I am very happy to know that they are bringing back to original recipe but I think it’d make more sense to call it Um Bongo Original. Also it will be in plastic bottles! One of the many delights of this beloved fruity drink is the brightly coloured carton and THE STRAW!
In my eyes we have only won half of the battle, cartons add that extra bit of nostalgia. And seeing as the ‘new’ Um Bongo will still be in cartons I don’t see why the original can’t be too.
One more thing. How do we know that Nick is the real deal, I bet he’s a phony.
It’s modeately depressing that the one thing I have done in my life to attract most attention is to speak about Um Bongo. Still, we all stand on the shoulders of giants, so it may lead to greater things.
It’s been a little while since this originally came up, but I do vaguely remember doing something remotely smart with Nick’s IP address and he did seem to be legit. Well, as legit as any of the people who stumble across the site!
Well, this is my primary check out for your webpage! We’re a group of volunteers and commencing a brand new initiative in a community in the identical niche. Your weblog offered us useful data to work on. You have done a marvellous occupation!
SM retort: And you have used a relly interesting thesaurus when trying to write this message. It’s ok, I just assumed that the website you were trying to link to was a mistake as well, si I deleted it from the post. You’re welcome